American Boyfriend

[Bod]

The other night I went out to celebrate a friend's birthday. One friend brought out her new hubby.
She's passed 40 and had given up on men, Given the men in our area, I don't blame her. So she pulled a bloke from New York on Myspace. We all thought he was a serial killer, but no. oh lordy, he's dead nice. We all fancied him and he got loads of attention that night, but only had eyes for his wife. Dammit, that guy has left New York to live in, get this, 'Brown Edge', Stoke-on-Trent to be with her.
Well, I thought, there's an idea. There was not one man worth flirting with that night, or any night, this is why I dance so much. So I'm going to hunt americans on Myspace. My criteria is sane (ish), 33-43, intelligent, hilarious, some hair and a damn good shag. Tolerance of a woman who likes a drink. And american of course, preferably from a sunny part or near Canada.

So could anyone direct me to anyone on MySpace who fits the bill?

[Bod]

Canadians can apply too.
I never met a Canadian I didn't like and would live there happily.
xx

[Tadao]

:(

[Bod]

Am I meant to understand the meaning of one lone emoticon?

The english language is a broad, varied and interesting thing, please use it and let me know what you mean.

[Tadao]

Let me just put it this way.
I was faithful to my wife for the 15 years we were married, alos for the 5 years previous that we dated. I'm 38. I have a wealth of knowledge and have made even the most cynical here laugh. I have lots of hair on my head, body is getting hairier :X I love to drink with women and I live in sunny Southern California.

Add to that, I am a peace punk, I love to travel and english accents are hot.

I have this thing though that might "might" make me a burden to anyone who cares about me.

[Bod]

I'm 37.

We don't get to this fine age without baggage.

[Tadao]

Hahah I know. Nothing wrong with baggage. I clean my closet every now and then.

I have a condition in which my bones are fusing together. It can be slowed down with medicine but not stopped. One day in the future I may need a nurse maid. If someone cared about me they wouldn't leave me to live the rest of their life in health and happiness.

I tend to try not to fall in love. It's gay, but in my mind it makes sense.

[Bod]

Does this condition have a name?

[Fathom Zero]

Don't worry. There are robot arms and chairs to do the moving for you.

He mentioned it before in a thread about all sorts of medical maladies the posters had. Hope you're alright, TADDY.

EDITO: http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69699472

I feel like I'm butting in, so I'm just gonna step out.

[Tadao]

Ankylosing Spondylitis.

It sounds fancy.

[Bod]

It's a public forum, thus butting in is impossible.

[Fathom Zero]

Well, I feel really tender moments being forged.

[Bod]

I'm too punk rock to do tender

[Fathom Zero]

Tender, like a body.

[Tadao]

I'm too punk rock to do tender
:rolleyes
You would get all gooey and tender if I bought you a pair of 20 eyes for Valentines day.

[DevilWearsPrada]

sounds like a mutation

[Bod]

A pair of 20 eyes?

[Grislygus]

Well, er, good luck with that whole intelligent American boyfriend thing

From what I understand, you people fucking love shitty cheeses and can't spell basic words while we love Big Macs and can't find Saudi Arabia on a map (with the countries labeled), so the differences between BRITISH MEN and AMERICAN MEN seem cosmetic at best







Speaking of UK men, though, what in the blue fuck is a chav? I have this mental picture of a cockney, eighteen-year old wigger meth freak that thinks bitch slapping random people on the street is an olympic sport

[Bod]

Never heard such a cheese accusation before.
I thought Americans only ate over processed food anyhow and wouldn't know proper cheese unless it came pre sliced and in a cellophane wrapper?
But that's by the by.

[Tadao]

A pair of 20 eyes?

http://www.wildfree.com/Merchant2/graphics/docs/194211021.jpg

[Grislygus]

http://news.scotsman.com/latestnews/Cheese-could-carry-a-health.3834952.jp

Of course, my main source of information on the cheese "epidemic" is the borderline-obsessive dietitian bitch I occasionally see flipping by BBC America when Top Gear and Gordon Ramsey aren't on.

As for Americans and cheese, most of us would probably consider Kraft cheese slices a health food product and only use it on sandwiches. Cheeses that actually taste good are undoubtedly foreign, automatically French, and therefore must be avoided on principle, rather than out of a devotion to processed food and you still haven't answered the chav question, I'm genuinely curious as to what cultural subsect they belong to.

[Bod]

I prefer buckles and zips. All that lacing up takes forever. There's a punk rule around here that you can't answer the door without your boots on. So those with multiple lace holes leave their friends waiting at the door for ages.

[Tadao]

That is so Anarchist!

[Bod]

Too bloody right!
Can't be seen in our socks.

[Shrubfest]

Gus-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav

[Sam]

Never heard such a cheese accusation before.
I thought Americans only ate over processed food anyhow and wouldn't know proper cheese unless it came pre sliced and in a cellophane wrapper?
But that's by the by.

I enjoy a nice Cornish Yarg. :posh

[Bod]

I had to google that

[DevilWearsPrada]

Oh christ, there's actually a wikipedia on british wiggers :lol

[LordSappington]

Anyone else here find the idea of a 38 year old British punk woman extremely laughable?
Not that I mean to ruin your fun, Tadao; LET LOVE BE, FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA
Or something to that effect.

[Tadao]

I keep telling you Lord Sap, Greenday is not punk. It goes back to the late 70s and started in quite possibly England. What is so laughable about a 38 year old punk from England?

[Esuohlim]

I don't know but I googled "38-year-old punk from England" and I laughed when this came up

http://www.thebestgossip.com/uploaded_images/owen_wilson_HOLLYWOOD_GOSSIP_JAMES_EDSTROM-758300.jpg

[LordSappington]

You never hear of a woman old enough to be your mother (in my case) as a self-described punk; you always think of it as one of those Johnny Napalm, safety-pin piercing teens and twenty year olds.
Also, I never knew Greenday was THAT old; I thought it started mid '90s.

[Tadao]

You are amazingly ignorant.

[LordSappington]

It's the American way.

[Tadao]

Damaged girls are hawt.

[Fathom Zero]

God, Sappington, you're such a fucking idiot. Go shoot yourself now. With a gun.

[LordSappington]

lol, waht kind of gun? u dunno waht to do!!!1!11!oneone

[Fathom Zero]

Even your intentional cock-ups are just as embarrassing.

[DevilWearsPrada]

Kick his ass, Hans!

[Bod]

37 as it goes.

I'm struggling to see what is funny about it?

Loads of my friends, people even in their mid to late forties are still into punk and rock and regularly frequent gigs. I have friends that are grandparents yet still dye their hair and wear big boots - we just never grew out of having fun. Some are maybe a bit more wrinkly and fatter, but still have a life. In fact, I enjoy life a lot more now than ever I did in my twenties.

[Bod]

I just don't understand americans

[Tadao]

It's not that he's American. It's that hes 16.
Last time I had a Mohawk I was 36.

[Grislygus]

TRANSLATIONS

A punk rocker in her thirties?! That's like, old. Like my mom. Punk rock's for like, for young people, right? It only started in the nineties, for crying out loud!


Fuck it. I can't even manage to be passive aggressive about this, it's just too stupid not to make fun of directly. LOGIC TIME! Even though you're a dullard of a thirteen year old gutter rat that has no concept of the passage of time, you will still age! It's a shocking concept, I know. STAY WITH ME, KID, I CAN CLEAR UP THE CONFUSING STUFF FOR YA AFTER CLASS. Therefore, even though you are thirteen years old now, at some point in the future, you will be thirty years old. Don't panic, that's in what we call the "future". In this 'future' you will have and will still be going through a process called "aging".

Now, with this in mind, if this applies to you, we can assume that it also applies to other people. So, if we take, say, a twenty year old punk rocker, and look at her in the future, she will have aged! Holy shit! Wow! Looka that brain calculation! It's a fuckin mind popper!

But, you say, "what does this have to do with what I was talking about?" This is because you're not exactly what scientific experts would classify as "the sharpest tool in the shed". You see, punk rock has been around for a long time. More than ten years, in fact! Heck, try more than fifteen! Wow! You know what? It's been around since the seventies!

Now, by this point your eyes have glazed over and you are drooling consistently. This is because your brain has shut down. It's a very special brain, somewhat similar to a that of a bug's. It has received a lot of information, and does not have the capacity to connect it all together, so your mental self defenses have kicked in. But hold on just a bit longer, because I'm about to connect it aaaaaaaall together for you!

You will be older in the future, this is called "aging"! This rule also applies to other people! In fact, the reason other people are older than you is because they were born in what we call the "past"! The "past" extends back to before you were born, and people older than you were actually born before you! Hence, a punk rocker that was "young" in the seventies can now be as old as your mom!


And now with the initial tenderizing done, I was intrigued by Sappington's "Johnny Napalm" comment, so I googled Johnny Napalm! He's apparently a character from Guitar Hero, Sappington's only education in the world of punk rock! Point and laugh!

[Tadao]

STOP BEING FUNNIER THAN ME! I'M TRYING TO SCORE SOME PUSSY HERE!

fucking cockblock geeeeeez

[Fathom Zero]

I've never had mowhawk. I do have a kickass samurai ponytail right now, though.

[Grislygus]

Dude, she wants intelligent, macho type guy, not a greasy half-Japanese vagrant that gets drunk and starts screaming about "filthy Korean mongrels"

[Tadao]

She said nothing about macho or race. Learn to listen to a woman!

[Grislygus]

if God wanted men to listen to women he would have, like, i dunno, made their mouths bigger or something










Shit, we kind of end up destroying threads, don't we

[Grislygus]

Okay, I will attempt to be constructive for once in my godforsaken life and return to the topic at hand. I will now scour myspace for the reason that this thread was created

[Tadao]

Case is closed anyways. I'm the only one here who fits that description. I think she just wanted to get with me and made it very specific. Notice how she left out "in good shape" and "must not have lazy eye".

[Grislygus]

Dear Lord, the outlook is grim. BUT, I have managed to track down several suitable bachelors for you!

Antisocial, even by internet standards, GEOFF!
http://www.myspace.com/axila

The New Jersey High School Graduate!
http://www.myspace.com/jerzeedrive

The fucking VAMPIRE FROM KENTUCKY
www.myspace.com/kynightwalker (http://www.myspace.com/kynightwalker)

Representation from Florida, America's Armpit (and a Vegas import, no less):
www.myspace.com/pornguy69 (http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/www.myspace.com/pornguy69)

And the prerequisite American football fanatic:
PABLO (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=165521706)

[Grislygus]

Prospects getting better!

The pretentious, undoubtedly high-maintenance, but otherwise decent candidate:
www.myspace.com/fergdiesel5 (http://www.myspace.com/fergdiesel5)

The "Call Me" douche:
www.myspace.com/kennyallstar (http://www.myspace.com/kennyallstar)

Dan the Visigoth!
www.myspace.com/rureallyafreaklikeme (http://www.myspace.com/rureallyafreaklikeme)

Fresh Meat
www.myspace.com/mickyhouston (http://www.myspace.com/mickyhouston)

EW aw fuck goddammit WHY
www.myspace.com/brittanymacleod (http://www.myspace.com/brittanymacleod)

Are we supposed to know this guy?
http://www.myspace.com/paultaylorofficialmyspace




Some relatively normal guy (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=2088073)



And with that, I'm bored now.

[Tadao]

Thank god mine is impossible to find.

[MetalMilitia]

All those people look like rapists, Gus!

We don't want your rapists thank you very much. We have quite enough of our own.

[Bod]

Dear Lord, the outlook is grim. BUT, I have managed to track down several suitable bachelors for you!

Antisocial, even by internet standards, GEOFF!
http://www.myspace.com/axila

The New Jersey High School Graduate!
http://www.myspace.com/jerzeedrive

The fucking VAMPIRE FROM KENTUCKY
www.myspace.com/kynightwalker (http://www.myspace.com/kynightwalker)

Representation from Florida, America's Armpit (and a Vegas import, no less):
www.myspace.com/pornguy69 (http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/www.myspace.com/pornguy69)

And the prerequisite American football fanatic:
PABLO (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=165521706)

Thanks for the help.

Geoff has a dodgy tash though, and I'm a little concerned that 3 out of his top 4 friends are dogs. What does this mean? Maybe he's a man of little words and that could work.

'no more goose give me sumfin else" - that's a name? I'm always suspicious of people who use z's instead of s. What's that all about? lolz and thatz. Never seen that's spelt like that before. Choice of reading "anything wit ploice files?" I reckon he could get very boring very quickly

Evil Mystic00. Oh lordy. What has he come as?

Manny, aka pornking69. Does this mean he makes porn or looks at it? Have to say, the hat turned me off and the entire 'about me 'section.

Pablo has too much facial hair.



Maybe this is why I'm single, I'm just far too picky.

[Grislygus]

The talking robot on THIS IS PAUL TAYLOR'S OFFICIAL MYSPACE PAGE was probably my favorite

[Tadao]

So am I flying over there or are you coming over here?

[Tadao]

I'll chase you around the room to Benny Hill's theme.

[Bod]

well the weather's better at your end

[Tadao]

Yes, and you can always run to the embassy when the drugs wear off.

[Bod]

is it close by?

[Tadao]

Yes, and there is candy in my front pocket!

[Bod]

Candy? Bloody americans. What do I want wih candy? I'm an adult. BEER. It's beer I want.

[Sam]

BEER AND A FINE CHEESE.

[Bod]

never mind cheese

[Sam]

BEER AND A FINE BEER.

[Tadao]

My candy is made from stout.

[Bod]

I was promised that I would rue the day I was born when I woke up, and look, it's almost 4pm and I'm totally unrued. Life is just one big disappointment.

[Tadao]

Disappointment is a sure sign of Rueness!

[Bod]

that's a piss poor amount or rue

[Tadao]

It's all part of my rue to woo plan. It will al become apparent over many years.

[Bod]

Years?!! If I have to wait years, I ain't waiting.

[Tadao]

See, you are rueing right now!

[Bod]

Wow- I'm well impressed

[Dixie]

Tad, smear yourself with Marmite.
Marmite to Brits is like crack to Bobby Brown.
THEY CAN'T RESIST IT!

[Tadao]

Or replace my penis with a keg tap.

[Dixie]

Do both and you won't have to drug her!

[Supafly345]

My mom has like the opposite of what tadao has, where here bones are becoming detatched from eachother. Maybe she's your Mr Glass Tadao.

[Tadao]

That sounds painfull.

[Fathom Zero]

a.k.a. Marionette Syndrome.

[Bod]

Or replace my penis with a keg tap.


Am drooling.

Do that and I will love you for a good few weeks.

[kahljorn]

if you really had a keg tap instead of a penis you could only get like pee, blood and other gross chunky things in the cup. And tops your blood alcohol level would be like .2%-.4% so I can't really see that being a satisfying beverage.

kind of disgusticating!

[Tadao]

Yeah but I could turn her around and tap that ass.

[kahljorn]

lol you could do that without a keg penis though. And would you really want to fill her butt with your disgusting beverage?

[Shrubfest]

You had to say that, didn't you?

Do you really want the answer?

[Tadao]

She's got a new boyfriend now. His name is Yamaha.

[Bod]

Don't be sad, he's too big to get into the house. I tried, but failed.

[Tadao]

AH! I can be the rag you wipe off with after a long hard ride ;)

[Tadao]

So, if I finalize my divorce can we get married and I'll live over there and feed your cat. In more ways than one. ;)

[kahljorn]

tadao is going to give your cat food poisoning with his unkempt sausage.

[Bod]

MY cat drinks straight from the toilet, so I'm not concerned

[Tadao]

I'd wreck that pussy.

[Dixie]

WITH A CAR

[kahljorn]

toilet water from a regularly cleaned bowl is more sanitary than an unkempt sausage.

[Tadao]

Unkempt? I lotion it every day! >:

[kahljorn]

lotioning a rotting appendage doesn't help keep it disease free :(

seriously where the fuck did you people go to medical school :rolleyes

[Tadao]

Medical school? Oh yeah, you forgot to take your pills again and you are just making up shit out of the blue.

[kahljorn]

:rolleyes just keep your staph infected penis to yourself where it belongs

also you can't "Make shit up out of blue" what the fuck? Where did you get your engineering degree from anyway :rolleyes

[MetalMilitia]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_qcrhDVVzhs4/SVvQM7QI13I/AAAAAAAAAhI/E900NILPpOs/s1600/CatDoctorResample.jpg