Go Back   I-Mockery Forum > I-Mockery Site Forums > Article Discussion > The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie
FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Thread: The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie Reply to Thread
Image Verification
Please enter the six letters or digits that appear in the image opposite.

Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

Topic Review (Newest First)
Feb 8th, 2010 04:15 PM
Jul 14th, 2009 02:59 PM
Jeanette X I know its been a while, but I just thought of one:

If you are in a zombie movie and people get turned into zombies by being bitten, wear a wide leather collar with spikes on it around your neck, and improvise armor from whatever you have lying around, such as athletic gear. Especially guard your calves, zombies like to hide under things and then bite exposed legs. Just don't leave any more skin exposed than is absolutely necessary.
Oct 15th, 2008 07:33 PM
Robodie III Don't be a specialist in things related to the monster. They'll make you die one of the worst deaths (like that shark expert in Jaws).
Sep 22nd, 2008 12:04 AM
Primortal And if you're a Native American, and happen to be a IN a horror movie, 9 times out of 10, you WILL, without a doubt, have heard of a legend (preferrably a Native American one) that happens to be tied to said monster you are all facing.

And glad you like my avatar Mister Tea.
Sep 16th, 2008 11:55 AM
Kitsunexus Classic and awesome. Well done.
Sep 16th, 2008 09:50 AM
SPINAL Regarding #1, I cite the the classic bathroom death of Demon from Friday the 13th, Part 5 - A New Beginning.

Demon was doing a number 2 in a portapotty after having Taco Smell and Jason took him out. Of course, Jason did not actually go into the smellhouse-- he impaled through it with a spear!
Sep 15th, 2008 02:45 PM
Mister Tea Exception for mystical Native Americans: if the monster is the product of anything built over a tribal burial ground, however, you're the only one who can stop it. But don't attempt to right away; the other characters have to exhaust every possible attempt to kill the creature first.
Sep 15th, 2008 08:04 AM
Mojomajik9 Seriously, killing your type of character is like black tar heroin to movie monsters.

HAHAHA brilliant. Loved that quote.

Also, if you happen to be of Native American descent, and you figure out there's a monster on the loose before the whities do, don't do something stupid like try to take it on yourself with just a stick and medicine bag.

When running away from the monster into a safe room/house/building after slamming and locking the door, don't then lean against it for a sigh of relief. You're about to be torn in two.

At the beginning of this adventure, when someone says, "Hey, let's NOT go to this spooky place. It's dangerous!" heed their advice. Conversely, if some jackass says, "Hey! Let's go to that place where people get chopped up like they're salmon on Iron Chef!" throw them from the car and keep going.
Sep 15th, 2008 01:40 AM
Mister Tea Further stipulation: if you happen to be a female soldier, do a quick check of the other females in the cast. If any of them are hotter than you, then Primortal's already made your fate clear; the best you can hope for is a heroic death while rescuing the hot chick. If you're otherwise a minority soldier, check for any wisecracking black guys played by L.L. Cool J. If you see one, then shoot him if want to live through this thing. Can't stress it enough.

By the way: love the avatar, Primortal. Rowsdower for Prime Minister!
Sep 15th, 2008 12:28 AM
Primortal *adds a stipulation to Mister Tea's observation about soldiers* This doesn't seem to work for minority members of said group of soldiers, same with "tough-as-nails-but-has-a-heart-of-gold" female soldiers. You might as well stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, because there's very little chance of your survival.
Sep 13th, 2008 09:36 PM
Mister Tea There's another exemption to #2: If you're being played by a rapper, you can kick your heels up and relax; there's a 99% chance that you're going to be just fine. In case you're nervous about those odds, keep in mind that using the phrase "Oh shit! I'm gonna die with all these crazy motherfuckin' white people!" will boost your chances of survival to a full 100%.

There's also another stipulation to #8: While soldiers are often given a break, don't expect the same treatment if you're a police officer. If you are a cop, even if there aren't any others around, then you'd better damn well believe what those hysterical kids are telling you or else you're kicking the bucket very soon.

And GreyWeirdo's observation about being part of a a group of soldiers, is spot on. If you are unfortunate enough to be in this bracket; try to be the only survivor of your squad's inevitable massacre, whereupon you'll then receive the protection offered by Rule #8.
Sep 13th, 2008 12:16 AM
Primortal -If Guns Are Proven Not to Work, Don't Keep Using Them: If someone was just shooting at the monster/alien/killer whatsit and got killed and/or eaten... don't under any circumstances think that shooting at it will work for you either.

-There's Always a Queen Monster: There's almost always a queen somewhere. Even if the species of monster is never known to have a queen of ANY sort... one usually manages to pop up somewhere.

-Close the Resorts: If horrible murders are occurring near, around, or IN your lake, river, beach, or pool resort... 9 times out of 10 that's not a good sign. So be a smart person and close the damn things down. A little low income is a hell of a lot better than having MORE dead bodies on your hands. It also doesn't work well for your P.R. either.

-Scientists Are Always Right: When a scientist is explaining the bad things that can and most likely WILL happen if said experiment/chemical/etc. is used, they are right. That's why they're scientists, and you're not. But if they sport an eyepatch, a scar, or an evil goatee... (or all of the above) be wary of their motives.

-Differing Agendas Stipulation: Scientists may always be right, but will also, almost always, have differing agendas than yours when it comes to monsters/aliens/etc. While it's quite obvious that the monster(s) you're all facing are not of the passive/kind variety, that will NEVER stop scientists from wanting to study them... preferrably alive. Thus, they should NEVER be left near anything with which they could jeopardize YOUR attempts to kill the Monster. EVER.
Sep 12th, 2008 04:01 AM
OxBlood How about I try to be the monster while looking just like my Avatar? That would be pretty creepy I think...a handdrawn chibi-anime-chick...no...not a good idea, IŽll think of something else.
Sep 12th, 2008 03:59 AM
autodidact -Don't be 'The Slut' of the group.
-Don't pick up hitchhikers.
-Don't run out of gas or get flat tires.
-That's not the sound of a branch scraping up against the house.
-Don't know what it is? Don't run up to it and touch it. Curiosity killed that cat and it will get you too.
-Hit or run over something with your car? Keep driving, use the mirrors to look back, that's what they're for.
-The first person you think could possibly help you? They can't. They're already dead at the second their name entered your mind.
-Evil death-bringers can teleport. Just cause every time you see them they're shambling along doesn't mean they won't be where you least expected them to be.
-Disbelief and ridiculing old legends will get you killed. Usually as you speak the words, 'That old lady is crazy. Only an idiot would believe in the...Oh Shit'.
Sep 12th, 2008 01:39 AM
ds394 I had to register to give my advice:

Try to be about 10 years old and cute. You will NOT be killed and everyone will work to protect you. If you can't fake being 10 years old, act really innocent and pretend you have a mental disability. You'll have a much better chance of surviving.
Sep 11th, 2008 10:50 PM
testtube Ok well, to survive a slasher film, but how do you survive a FULCI movie? None of the victims in his movies do anything that makes any fucking sense at all. In fact its as if they're following these exact rules, and they still die.
Sep 11th, 2008 10:12 PM
Orastella Yeah, if you're the monster/killer you're safe until the end of the movie... until they make the sequel.
Sep 11th, 2008 08:55 PM
Drunken_Lemur408 Geminate, I'm not sure I understand. Could you give the class an example?
Sep 11th, 2008 08:42 PM
Beardy Goodness P.S., resident-Adam has a great idea, so do it, goddamn it!
Sep 11th, 2008 08:33 PM
Beardy Goodness Oxblood, you made me think of something: Become the monster/killer. I don't care what you do, go insane, drink chemicals, mess with your DNA, etc. Because if you are the monster, you most likely won't be killed, and even if you are you have a 88.62% chance of coming back, and will most likely gain a lucerative film career! Unless it's a zombie flick, in which case just be badass.
Sep 11th, 2008 08:21 PM
Fear N Loathing Add another rule: Chainsaws never run out of gas, or get dull. Use as frequently as possible. Just like Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Sep 11th, 2008 07:57 PM
Geminate While this is sage advice for the 80s-90s horror, the latest horror and (ugh) porn-horror seems to be breaking most of these rules, especially numbers 1, 6, 8, 14, 17, 23 and 25.
Sep 11th, 2008 04:47 PM
Sleazeappeal Rule 20 Corollary:

If you're in a horror/musical/comedy, only ask to use the phone in the weird, creepy place if you're INTO that sort of thing!
Sep 11th, 2008 02:26 PM
slangislayer 27. If you suddenly hear violins in a stakkato rhythm, youŽre screwed.
Sep 11th, 2008 12:12 PM
RaNkeri -Never take food from the fridge, because

a) The Killer will always be hiding behind the open fridge door, ready to attack you when you close the door

b) The Killer will always attack you when you close the door and turn around

Also, the killer can use the fridge door to smash your head

This thread has more than 25 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:08 AM.

© 2008 I-Mockery.com
Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.