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Oh shut it! I still don't have my secret santa gift :( |
nice post, jack. "you read it. you can't un-read it." haha, great reference. awesome gifts too. makes me wish I woulda participated :(
(Longwood SUCKS!) |
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It twas the holiday season, no different from the last, until the population of earth looked skyward and expelled a collective gasp. All ran for shelter, to the warm glow of the TV, for they knew there would be monumental events to see. The box crackled, spat and snowed. Then all were amazed by the picture it showed. This is Zbrtz of the Nubtebula Empire! Attention Santa! What the fuck? Why all the hate? The inhabitants of the Nubtebula Empire, the “Nubs” as we are known back in the hood, have been good. We’ve been saintly. Compared to us, Jesus was a trouble maker. We’ve been a peaceful race for well over an eon. We’ve helped countless words. We’ve sacrificed resources, developed technologies to serve entities everywhere and we’ve peacefully arbitrated treaties between worlds that had been at war for millennia. Why then, have 1000 years of letters and gift requests been ignored? Why do my kids cry EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS!!! It’s a slap to the face Nicolas. It’s worse than a slap to the face; your abject neglect is like a spiked wrecking ball into the left eye of every Nub, puncturing our fibrous tunic, spraying viscous eye fluid onto baby Jesus. YOU SELFISH, FESTIVE REINDEER MOLESTOR. What? Are you too good for us you racist. That’s right, I said it. I’m playing that card. You are a racist Nick. What is it? You don’t like the look of our eye-stalks? Does the fact that we lack bodies or any disernable genitalia freak you out? Well, that kind of freaks us out too. But FUCK YOU Mr. I Wear Red Pajama’s Every Day. You are Santa! You should be above prejudice! You dick. You Douche-Fag! You shit on us Santa. Really you do. I’m sure you do. Every year, you gather up all our sincere letters into a nice big pile. You then drop your baggy balloon pants to your ankles, squat and squeeze real hard. You’ve spent the day eating soft foods, full of fiber, so the shit comes out of you like a Christmas train – as one long strand that, even from space, we can’t see the end of. It just keeps coming, your asshole like some sort of demented soft ice cream machine. Then, once you finish and after you turn to see our dreams, hopes and wishes covered in a rope of chocolate coloured shit, you laugh a great big belly laugh and light up your corn-cob pipe. I HOPE YOU GET CANCER YOU JOLLY SON OF A BITCH! What big red balls you have Chris. To stand there, with that shit-eating grin on your bulbous face. You drink Coke while my kids are crying because you brought them JACK SHIT! All you brought them was disappointment, YOU FAT BASTARD! By the way Einstein, stop drinking Coke! No wonder you weight a metric ton. You FAT BASTARD! We are done Santa! The Nubtebula Empire are tired of being shit on. The tides have turned you tubby pedophile. THE TIME HAS COME! IT IS OUR TURN TO SHIT ON YOU! YOU! HUMAN! LAUNCH THE ATTACK! Click Above to launch the attack. Thanks to Uncle_Sham for the googly hand puppet and 'ammunition'. |
I don't have mine either :(
AND NOW I AM IN MY HOME TOWN (AGAIN) IN LOUISIANA FOR CHRISTMAS AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO POST MY STORY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER CUZ I DON'T HAVE A GIFT TO POST A STORY WITH! MY I-MOCKERY LIFE IS RUINED! YOU RUINED MY I-MOCKERY LIFE WHOEVER DIDNT SEND MY SECRET GIFT! |
alrighty here is my secret santa stash, which was sent so graciously by Schimid.
First item up is the Blowpop Nightlight It looked tasty, being a Blowpop and all so i took a lick. Sadly I realized that despite the Blowpop title it was indeed just a nightlight. But it was still rad. Second item is the girlie notepad. Perfect for writing my to do lists. I really enjoy making lists to help me keep my priorities in order. Third is this awesome dvd I cant comment on it because i havent watched it yet, i plan on doing so on Christmas Eve while I am hiding from my family gathering that will be going on. But this is awesome cuz i actually was going to buy this. and it has already found a home on my dvd tower next to my VHS copy of Slugs Lastly we have the daily Mustache disguise kit. and since it is wed i get to use the "BRUISER" 'stache. So i put this sucker on to see how good of a disguise it is WOW! i look JUST LIKE Tom Selleck! it amazing! you cant even recognize me! (By the way, this picture really is me, even though i know you all were fooled and think that its a pic of the REAL Tom Selleck. well i had fun with my gifts and i really wanna thank you Schimid for sending me some rocking gifts! Merry Xmas and happy holidays everyone! |
HEY GUYS!
HERE IS MY SUPER SECRET SANTA SEXCELLENT SELLEBRATION 2007! IT IS LONG AS FUCK. L MLE: WHO GOT YOU JERK MLE: TELL ME Sam: :O Sam: OKAY I WILL TELL YOU MLE: I AM WAITING IN SUSPENSE Sam: MLE I WILL TELL YOU BUT KEEP IT SECRETS OKAY MLE: OKAY Sam: I GOT Sam: IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD Sam: 2007 Sam: FOR I-MOCKERY SECRET SANTA MLE: i am waiting patiently Sam: P Sam: O Sam: P Sam: P Sam: E Sam: R Sam: S Sam: 6 Sam: 2 Sam: 0 MLE: did she get you cool stuff Sam: YES MLE: AWESOME MLE: TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT Sam: WELL Sam: THE UPS MAN Sam: HE BROUGHT IT TO MY HOUSE Sam: I WAS AT WORK :O MLE: ;o Sam: I CAME HOME Sam: AND IT WAS THERE Sam: AND I WAS LIKE "OH SNAP" Sam: because I KNEW what it was Sam: I KNEW MLE: SO WHAT WAS INSIDE Sam: and i was like "awsome" and I opened IT Sam: AND THERE WAS A CARD Sam: WITH A CANDY CANE Sam: AND INSIDE THE CARD IT SAID MERRY CHRISTMAS SAM XOXO POPPERS620 MLE: XOXO! Sam: ISN'T THAT LIKE SKULL AND CROSSBONES MLE: KISS HUG KISS HUG MLE: SHE WANTS YOU MLE: UH OH Sam: WHAT Sam: WHAT UHOH MLE: X = KISS MLE: O = HUG Sam: OF COURSE Sam: LADIES LOVE SAM MLE: ;O Sam: HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MLE: NO PRON OKAY MLE: i'm on my work laptop Sam: Sam: THIS IS WHAT THE LADIES WANT MLE: <3 MLE: COMPLETE WITH RE POSTER Sam: DO YOU SEE HOW IT LOOKS LIKE I AM WINCING IN PAIN MLE: LOOK AT ALL THOSE GAMES Sam: THAT IS BECAUSE I AM TAKING A PICTURE OF MYSELF AND IT HURTS LIKE A KNIFE MLE: HOW COULD LADIES PASS UP A MAN WITH SO MUCH GAME Sam: GAME RECKOGNIZE GAME Sam: THAT IS NOT EVEN ALL MY GAME Sam: THAT IS BUT A MERE PITANCE MLE: OH SNAP MLE: ;O Sam: SO ANYWAYS WHERE WAS I BEFORE I WENT OFF ABOUT HOW MUCH GAME I GOT MLE: XOXO - POPPERS Sam: OH YEAH MLE: OH YEAH Sam: so what is that like reverse skull and crossbones Sam: jeez Sam: IS SHE THREATENING ME Sam: BUT SERIOUSLY LADIES LOVE COOL SAM Sam: LL COOL S MLE: haha ;o Sam: OKAY SO I TAKE THE CARD AND I GO HOLD IT IN MY BED FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES AND JUST WEEP INTO IT MLE: ;o Sam: AND WHEN I AM DONE I FEEL REALLY DIRTY SO I GO TAKE A SHOWER AND HIT THE OLD EYES WITH SOME VISINE MLE: ;o Sam: i haven't even looked at the presents yet Sam: MIND YOU Sam: I am already so touched and deeply moved by this CARD MLE: ;o MLE: ;o ;o ;o ;o ;o Sam: I MEAN THE CARD WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH Sam: I WOULD HAVE SAID Sam: I YEILD Sam: you know Sam: I YEILD MLE: ;o Sam: SO'S Sam: I LOOKS AT THE GIFTS Sam: THERE ARE 4 MLE: ;o ;o ;o MLE: 4 Sam: ALL WRAPPED INDIVIDUALLY Sam: AND I SAID "FUCK I SHOULD HAVE WRAPPED MINE INDIVIDUALLY TOO BUT MY PERSON GOT LIKE 20 THINGS IT WOULD HAVE TOOK FOREVER" Sam: I GOT 4 Sam: BUT IT IS OAKY Sam: I OPENED THE SMALLEST Sam: FIRST Sam: IT WAS WRAPPED WITH SUCH CARE Sam: I WAS TOUCHED Sam: IN MY HEART Sam: THERE WERE TEARS MLE: WHAT WAS IT Sam: IN MY EYES MLE: VISINE TEARS? Sam: A SMALL TIN OF HOLIDAY CHEER MLE: ;o MLE: COAL? Sam: GROG FLAVORED PIRATE MINTS MLE: OH SNAP Sam: OH SNAP WAS CORRECT Sam: THE SECOND PACKAGE Sam: ALSO SMALL Sam: BUT SLIGHTLY BIGGER Sam: ONLY SLIGHTLY Sam: IT CONTAINED A SMALL MOIST TOWLETTE Sam: SPECIFICALLY FOR THE USE Sam: OF WIPING AWAY MY SINS MLE: ;o Sam: GOD KNOWS I AM COVERED WITH THE FILTH OF SIN Sam: AND SO DID THIS YOUNG KIND PERSON WHO SENT ME SUCH A THOUGHTFUL GIFT MLE: ;o Sam: MY SINS Sam: MLE Sam: COULD NOW BE RIDDEN MLE: ;o Sam: THE 3RD PACKAGE Sam: CONTAINED Sam: NOT ONE Sam: BUT TWO Sam: BENDY MONSTERS MLE: I LOVE BENDY MONSTERS MLE: SO MUCH Sam: LORD HYDRA Sam: VS Sam: PRINCE REPTILLIA Sam: BENDY MONSTERS MLE Sam: MY BREATH Sam: WAS TAKEN AWAY MLE: ;o Sam: THE LAST Sam: THE FINAL Sam: PRESENT Sam: IF YOU WILL Sam: I WILL PAUSE HERE Sam: TO ALLOW YOU TO BUILD YOUR SUSPENSE Sam: PERHAPS A NICE COLD BEVERAGE BREAK MLE: i have water, thanks Sam: THEN Sam: THE FINAL Sam: THE LAST PACKAGE Sam: AS SOON Sam: AS I HELD IT Sam: I KNEW WHAT IT WAS MLE: ;o MLE: A GAME Sam: NO Sam: NOT A GAME Sam: THINK OF LAST YEAR MLE: I DON'T KNOW MLE: I CAN'T REMEMBER Sam: UNICORNS MLE Sam: UNICORNS Sam: THERE WERE UNICORNS... REMEMBER HOW CAPTAIN CAVEMAN GOT UNICORNS AND WAS LIKE "UH THIS IS GAY UH I SUCK" MLE: ;O Sam: SIGH Sam: i am just oging to take our AIM conversation Sam: make some edits Sam: and use that for my story Sam: and interject pictures MLE: haha MLE: i wasn't that interesting, though Sam: I will edit it Sam: and you will say Sam: "OH SAM YOU ARE SO CLEVER AND SENSITIVE" MLE: hahaha MLE: go ahead Sam: "OH SAM YOU ARE SUCH A CARD" MLE: hahaha MLE: go ahead MLE: ;> Sam: "OH SAM NO WONDER SO MANY LADIES WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND AND WALK THROUGH A PARK" MLE: hahahaha MLE: <3 MLE: i like these lines Sam: "AT DUSK" Sam: "WHILE DUCKS FLY OVERHEAD" MLE: I AM JUST SWOONING MLE: WITH PASSION FOR YOUR SENSITIVITY Sam: YES INDEED MLE: I AM OVERWHELMED Sam: "OH SAM YOU ARE A WORD-SMITH" MLE: MASTER OF VERBIAGE Sam: "YOU ARE LIKE IF A BLACKSMITH USED WORDS INSTEAD OF METALS AND ORES TO MAKE WEAPONS" Sam: "AND YOU HAVE CREATED A +3 AXE INSIDE OF MY HEART" MLE: BUT INSTEAD OF WEAPONS, YOUR WORDS ARE THE MOST DELICATE OF JEWELS MLE: DELICATE OF BELLS HUNG IN MY HEART MLE: *FAINT* Sam: "OH SAM YOUR WORDS ARE LIKE A WILD ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTION THAT SOMEHOW MAGICALLY CAN LIKE DO LOOP DE LOOPS AND BARREL ROLLS BUT ALSO IT FEELS LIKE EATING WARM CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP AFTER PLAYING IN THE SNOW" MLE: hahahaha Sam: "SAM YOU DISPLAY THE GRACE AND QUIET DIGNITY THAT REMIND ME OF A YOUNG RANDAL ORTON SETTING UP JOHN CENA SO HE COULD GIVE HIM AN RKO ON A STEEL CHAIR OUTSIDE OF THE RING" Sam: "HE WAS LIKE A LION Sam: AND A GAZELLE" MLE: RANDALL Sam: "I THINK HE WAS A GAZELLION" Sam: "OR A LIOZELLE" Sam: RANDALL ORTON MLE: CORRECT Sam: INDEED QUITE :POSH MLE: POSH INDEED Sam: THIS IS GREAT Sam: I WILL AHVE THE MOST MAMAZING STORYT Sam: MORE AMAZING THEN THE BOYHOOD DREAM OF SHAWN MICHAELS MLE: AMAZING MLE: MAH GAWD Sam: SHE'S LIKE A TIGER RARWWRARWARRW MLE: BRB Sam: go ahead Sam: wipe your nose THE SHORT VERSION: I RECEIVED MYTHICAL ANIMALS AND GROG MINTS FROM POPPERS620. THE MYTHIC BEASTS ATE THE MINTS AND HAD A DRUNKEN ORGY. THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WIPE-AWAY-SINS TOWEL! Thank you for awesome things Poppers! MERRY CRIMMUS TO ALL OF I-MOCKERY! Love, Sam |
Lol... Good one Sam
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i couldnt resist sending the unicorns again. something about unicorns that you can make battle to the death.... plus last year the magical gift of unicorns didnt get appreciated.
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Where do you find those toys? :eek
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SO GUYS TODAY IS THE LAST DAY FOR POSTING PICS
THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO ROG >: >: >: >: >: |
Indeedy, and good things come to those who wait patiently. :O
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www.hyaenagallery.com and a place called dark delicacies out here in Burbank, CA www.darkdel.com |
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The Hyaena Galley, and Darkdel. Poppers, you have great taste! There has been some great stuff posted thus far. Pretty light on the commentary around here though. |
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One question though, what exactly did he send you besides the hand puppet and fake poo? Those things are pretty cheap and I guess I'm just unclear as to what he sent ya. Just wanna make sure you got at least $15 worth o' gifts per our Secret Santa requirements 'n all heheh. Quote:
Schimid gave you some damned good stuff there. I love those Blowpop night lights and you just can't go wrong with the Pee-Wee's holiday special DVD and a healthy set o' moustaches. Quote:
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dude i just brought home that radiactive squid! Bill gave it to me as the box was fucked up. he now sits next to my bed.
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Also I want to say "I'M SORRY" for my pictures being all blurry, but I am a notoriously terrible picture taker. Just think of them all as action shots. :(
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I'm glad you liked them Poppers :D
I got the Christmas DVD purely because of the look Santa is giving Pee-Wee. I mean, look at that. |
Didja get that thing I sentcha?
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Pretty neat stuff. Where did that Puppet face J. Tithonus Pednaud got come from? I have been hunting one of those guys down for a long time.
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MarioRPG with the deadlines yeah yes yeah. Ok, so originally I was going to just post the pictures and be like this stuff is cool, k? But then I realized it was late and the people deserved a story, so I whipped this mother up.
I awoke on a dull December night, only to be blinded by a camera flash light (Yeah, I'm not going to rhyme anymore). I grabbed my Christmas cap, which I often wear after a nap (DAMNIT). I was quite sad you see, for my present less self had the right to be. But what did I hear, but a knock most queer (lol queer) Twas but postman Jack, with a box from his pack. A box of joys... ...By which I mean TOYS! I splayed them out for all to view, I figured I would owe it to you. I played with the goo what a squish it would make... But touching it to skin was a bad mistake. I looked around and no toys did I see, were they in the box, waiting for me? Away to the computer I went like a flash, to yell at JTP for wasting his cash. Alas, the toys had a mind of their own... ...With plenty of backup guarding the phone. As it turned my back, I heard doors close with a smack. Why it was a sheep and a thing, with me to do their bidd-ing (sorry). "We will kill you if you do not comply!" So what did could I do... Wink with my eye?!? "Eat the sourest candy (from fall), after that you will be done with this all" My power was instantly sapped, and I felt angered... my sheep yelled back: "After all was said and done, we will now tag you and have won" "Why would you do this?" I asked much pissed. I was offered not another demand, but with a large magnetic "hand". "NO!" I screamed, for my robotic brain would be creamed. But what could I do, without a weapon or two... I recalled dear old JTP, gave the most odd present to me: POP-ROCKS to make a makeshift bomb, whould've thunk it to be there all along? I gave the bomb a mighty toss, and with that I knew all was lost... I do not recall what happened then, but I guess I'll never see them again. I looked to my lamp with a new-found glee... ...It really spruced up my scene of nativity! P.S JTP also sent me his brain, which in a jar I shall have it remain. ---Merry Christmas everyone! I'm surprised rhyming was this easy and fun!!!--- |
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