CRIMEBEAT
 

while i technicially live in a city of sorts, this is a low population area. they print a local paper weekly, but there's barely enough to talk about to fill even a few pages so they print fun things like the arrest reports and anything someone decides to complain to the cops about. there's always at least one blurb a week that captures my imagination. maybe i will post them here in the future :o

How descriptive. Someone at the paper is having fun with those.

"arranged his DVD collection into a phallic shape", hahah

Awesome. Reminds me of my local paper.

I see the beige slipper bandit is still at it. Stealing people's medication and then leaving a beige slipper at the scene.

that fools gonna be fucked when they arrest him at the end of home alone

What are we at now, like home alone 5? Does it even go straight to dvd anymore, or is it an abc television special?

This is the best thread in a while.

Yes it is, I need to green pickle it.

I can't have anything like this since I live in San Antonio and that shit would be like a collector's edition Sports Illustrated every week. With Mexicans, CRIME DOESN'T NOT PAY.

I've been to San Antonio and there truly are more mexicans there than I think mexico has. Did they flock there just because the name sounded comforting?

They're here because they've already lowered the property value of everything else to the south.

better than fuckin wops am i right??????


also i love crime reports

Are you just using this to show off your own bizarre crimes?
Training attack goats and egging cars i see right through you!

I'm actually pretty impressed that you put on a wig and dress to do two of the crimes.

i just like the shoes on the fan

come home, turn on the fan, KICKED IN THE FACE

A guy up the street from me just stripped butt naked except for a steak knife. He went door to door until an elderly woman answered and her stabbed he to death. I used to see the woman he killed all the time when I get breakfast at the deli.

Also I found a bullet hole in the lower right quarter panel of my porsche. Its strange because I havent driven it in over a month.

this uppity dyke my ex used to know flipped off some dude on the freeway who pulled out a gun and shot holes in her car... and ass

dunno if thats a true story but its funny either way

Our paper is always just full of drug deal shootings or small-town politicians who can't control their dicks appropriately.

Front page of today's paper tells of a pizza delivery guy being robbed at knife point of "nearly $200 worth of mixed spirits".

whoa that's my kind of pizza party

In Tasmania, you order booze and they ask you if you want a side order of pizza with that.

those reports are the best thing i've seen today

He was trying to make those guitars and that guitar magazine pile disappear while looking like a goth faggot.

Edit: Just realized it probably worked and he made the kit disappear also. Doesn't have the kit to figure out how to re-summon it so he has to claim it was stolen for insurance purposes.

Isn't a Criss Angel magic set one of those popcorn bucket bags now?

Your town officially has the best newspaper in the world. Please keep posting these!

"alleged shoe-stealing canine"

Loves it. :lol

Whoever is writing these is brilliant.

How the hell do you get a playpen out the window? It's all I can do to get one collapsed enough to get it out the front door.

THAT MUST BE ONE BIG WINDOW! :lol

um i assume they unlocked the door and took it out that way

"She suspects it was her sister since all the items belonged to her."

:lol

That's what I thought after I wrote that, but they didn't say it explicitly so who knows.

I had a whole scenario in my head of some woman flopping in through a window and stuffing everything out through same.

Funny story, I was in detroit a few years ago when I walked into what I thought was a normal pizza place. Apparently they did not sell pizza to the general public. They informed me that I could get a slice of pizza at the liquor store next door. I went over there and sure a shit there was a rotating pizza in a glass case on the counter next to the airline sized bottles of liquor.

if you're wondering why the paper appears pink, they printed a pink paper this week. i dunno.

Crimebeat is just awesome. Because I can actually see shit like that happening. Like the time we built a homemade bow and arrow shooting range. And how at night we had to climb over the back yard fence with a ladder and pull an arrow out of the neighbor's house.

And the time someone broke into my friend's house's back door, stole all of the change off of the table in the living room, then ran out of the front door. He came into the living room in time to catch the guy leaving. He chased him, but the guy got away.

The one about the assassin message on facebook made me laugh really loud. The first story on Monday October 17th is terrifying though.

I swear I laughed so hard when I read the love note on the McDonald's Wrapper.

Huh, this one gets all scary and dangerous on the 16th and 17th. Weird.
And I agree the McLove note was the best one.

It reminds me the time I got really drunk and wrote a love note to this girl on my friend's application to some steakhouse. I wrote it in fucking crayon. And it talked about how her ass is the best ass I've ever seen. Then we biked to her house and shoved it through the car window. She thought it was from my friend and he said it was a joke. I was fucking serious with my love note at the time.

We had a GPS stolen once :( No chick-fil-a coupons, though. How the fuck did they manage to accumulate $150 in chick-fil-a coupons?

Keep up the good work.:)

Must've been a real "old-timey" type that used to hang outside of windows so the babies wouldn't overheat during the summer.

As I said, I thought after I hit reply that it was probably just out the door, but I had a picture in my head of this woman climbing in like a cat burglar and cramming baby junk back out the window and it was pretty hard to erase.

That must have been one lousy kitten.

:lol

you gotta be kitten me

i missed a week somewhere

Hahaha...I should try that magic man thing. The neighbors across the street just had a baby boy due to their large sign that says so, and his name. Time for the magic man to travel.

was this what was on the note

SHAKE THE CRIME STICK!

flashbacks I'm having just now

hahaha set up a facebook page just to make fun of her! CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME

The first two sound like things that Kitsa would complain about.

-Well, I always used to smoke up my apartment and get caught by the landlady.
-And I used to always drive around and yell at random people.
-I've gotten into a friends house to mess stuff up before they get home to see if it freaks them out.
-I've stolen a grill from a neighbor.
-I have driven through one of those stupid gates.
-I have made a myspace page of someone just to make fun of them.
-Never did any of the other stuff.

Man, I am pretty sure if I lived in your area, half of the crime beats 5 years ago would be about things I did.

"A heavy set customer shoplifted a cookbook"

Makes sense.

i wonder if that's connected to the barbecue theft, or the theft of the ribeye/butter/olive oil earlier

PICNIC CRIME SYNDICATE :eek

These guys probably stole the bbq and all of that other stuff.

me and my friend stole a shrimp platter and some wine from a grocery store once :HIgHSCLASS

me and another friend wandered around till we found an open garage and raided their fridge for booze :lol

I remember every time I went to the store with my roommate last year, I slipped a tin of pillsbury biscuits into my pocket. I could pay for them, but just the thought of stealing only biscuits made me laugh.

You're pretty far off in your assessment of me, zomboid, and I'm not quite sure how it got to be that way but if the thought entertains you that's fine.

Kitsa is pretty lenient on her tenants and as long as they don't smoke the doob on the lawn in public view, they're cool.

Who raised my garage door dammit >:

don't give a fuck who smokes what really

kitsa is a pimp

not quite, but I don't give a fuck who smokes what.

can i smoke meth in your house

I'd prefer not, but by all means destroy your teeth in your own household.

:lol

I like the garage door one the best though. Are you sure you didn't just forget to close it all the way? Well, better call the cops then.

http://news.yahoo.com/battle-black-f...165358707.html


:lol

I went out black friday at midnight to shop to see people acting awesome but nothing cool happened. Not like this anyway.

I remember one black friday my roommate got the girl in front of us in line's number by pretending he was going to beat her up after the lines started moving. He just kept threatening her for about 2 hours. Then when they finally did, he started miming punching her. She enjoyed it so much she gave him her number. Girls are fucking weird.