Dear Hollywood
 

Hello Hollywood, it's me again. Yeah, i'm still just nerding around. Say, do you think you sould see if you could... ah, change... a few things, fer me? Thanks, you're a dear. Here's a short list of things i'd kinda like to have dealt with.

1. Please stop putting Gene Hackman in movies. We've seen him play the same "old, surly professional who gets in over his head this time" character for the past eighteen films he's been in. Please remove him or make him play someone else. Thanks, you're a sweetheart.

2. See to it that Halle Berry is smeared off the face of the earth. or smeared onto pavement. Or just smeared so hard her face is ground off. She's not hot, despite what Entertainment Tonight says and i have seen better acting from a bum begging for lard outside a hog rendering plant.

3. See to it that The House of the Dead and everyone affiliated with it in any way (even the caterers) are destroyed, along with all copies of the film, the commercials, and that damned DMX record that that song is on. You know why this must be done.

4. Please smite anyone proposing a movie about football or basketball immediately.

5. See to it that a children's film gets made sometime this year that contains few enough poop jokes that they do not have to be shown in trailers and commercials for the movie.

6. While you're at it, why not just put commercials at the end and beginning of every show, HBO style? We don't need to be told what to buy every seven minutes.

7. Give Lacy Chabert more work.

8. Laura Kightlinger, too. Fuck Daddy Daycare.

9. See that your rating systems do not necessitate the breaking up of perfectly good three hour films into smaller hour and a half chunks. The film cannot be that bad if you're still showing it.

10. Stop showing Girls Gone Wild! and Hollywood Body Shots videos. I know those are your starlets, but there are enough sluts on TV.

11. Smite MTV.

Thanks so much Hollywood, you're just too great. Say, if you see Internet, can you give him my regards? I've got a few suggestions for him, too. Anyway, i've gotta run, but if you manage to implement any of those things, i think you'll find some more capital will be flowing your way quite shortly.

Yours Truly,
Brian

Yeah for number 7! Lacey Chabert needs some starring or at least significant roles, especially now that she's just about old enough to play an adult character (she's 21 now, right?). Her part in Not Another Teen Movie sucked. >:

(I fell in love with Lacey when I saw Lost In Space. Don't ask.)

When you say that you want to see her in an adult role, you do mean you want to see her in a pornographic picture right? I remember Lost In Space, and if she is who I think she was, she was pretty hot. :wank
Yet another somewhat drunk post. I'm sorry. :(

No, I said an adult character, and I meant it as in not a high school student.

And I meant porn. :wank

who needs a house of the dead movie anyway, just watch the cutscenes in HOTD2 for superb acting (at least compared to some movies)

also, dear hollywood, that new jack black movie sounds like shit.

i mean JB is a funny guy but a movie were he teaches a bunch of pre-teens the meaning of ROCK!!! sounds like another slice of chessy americana

Dear Bollywood,

Please cast people to star in your movies that actually look like Indian people. I have never seen an Indian person in real life look anything like the sexy stars and starlets you have in your films. I don't know they look more Mediterranean, spanish or italian... all I know is that they don't look Indian... the supporting cast, sometimes, but never teh sexies... ah well, I digress.

Baby, I hope you know I'm not saying that Indian people are not attractive, quite the contrary. The people you cast as the lead roles in your films are just way to Aryan looking. You have to stay true to yourself, Bollywood. You're beautiful just the way you are.

Keep your head up, Bollywood.