CRIMEBEAT
 

while i technicially live in a city of sorts, this is a low population area. they print a local paper weekly, but there's barely enough to talk about to fill even a few pages so they print fun things like the arrest reports and anything someone decides to complain to the cops about. there's always at least one blurb a week that captures my imagination. maybe i will post them here in the future :o

How descriptive. Someone at the paper is having fun with those.

"arranged his DVD collection into a phallic shape", hahah

Awesome. Reminds me of my local paper.

I see the beige slipper bandit is still at it. Stealing people's medication and then leaving a beige slipper at the scene.

that fools gonna be fucked when they arrest him at the end of home alone

What are we at now, like home alone 5? Does it even go straight to dvd anymore, or is it an abc television special?

This is the best thread in a while.

Yes it is, I need to green pickle it.

I can't have anything like this since I live in San Antonio and that shit would be like a collector's edition Sports Illustrated every week. With Mexicans, CRIME DOESN'T NOT PAY.

I've been to San Antonio and there truly are more mexicans there than I think mexico has. Did they flock there just because the name sounded comforting?

They're here because they've already lowered the property value of everything else to the south.

better than fuckin wops am i right??????


also i love crime reports

Are you just using this to show off your own bizarre crimes?
Training attack goats and egging cars i see right through you!

I'm actually pretty impressed that you put on a wig and dress to do two of the crimes.

i just like the shoes on the fan

come home, turn on the fan, KICKED IN THE FACE

A guy up the street from me just stripped butt naked except for a steak knife. He went door to door until an elderly woman answered and her stabbed he to death. I used to see the woman he killed all the time when I get breakfast at the deli.

Also I found a bullet hole in the lower right quarter panel of my porsche. Its strange because I havent driven it in over a month.

this uppity dyke my ex used to know flipped off some dude on the freeway who pulled out a gun and shot holes in her car... and ass

dunno if thats a true story but its funny either way

Our paper is always just full of drug deal shootings or small-town politicians who can't control their dicks appropriately.

Front page of today's paper tells of a pizza delivery guy being robbed at knife point of "nearly $200 worth of mixed spirits".

whoa that's my kind of pizza party

In Tasmania, you order booze and they ask you if you want a side order of pizza with that.