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-   -   I-Mockery Chat (Lube up those lips) (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8799)

executioneer Apr 7th, 2008 08:36 PM

KNOCK KNOCK

WHOS THERE

POLAR BEAR

POLAR BEAR WH*AUUGH* (gets mauled)

Sam Apr 7th, 2008 08:45 PM

THE JOKE I COULDN'T REMEMBER IS SOMETHING LIKE: HOW DO YOU TRAP A POLAR BEAR?

YOU JUST CUT A BIG HOLE IN THE ICE AND DUMP SOME PEAS BY IT THEN GO HIDE. WHEN THE POLAR BEAR COMES OVER TO TAKE A PEA, YOU KICK HIM IN THE ICE-HOLE.

Or something to that effect. :rolleyes

executioneer Apr 7th, 2008 08:46 PM

hahaha

Sethomas Apr 7th, 2008 08:48 PM

Nobody's brought up the best scrutiny of the original polar bear joke idea.

Let's say he uses that joke at the beginning of his lecture and moves on as normal. Using demographic information we have at hand, namely that it's an engineering-related class setting, we can assume both that a large portion of the students have laptops and that, beyond the well-merited argument that most Asperger kids don't really have Asperger's, this IS an engineering-related class we're talking about. From this we can conclude that there is a large chance bordering on statistical certainty that a student with Asperger's Syndrom will be in attendance with a laptop.

The natural conclusion is that, provided his classroom has wireless as most major American campuses provide in lecture halls, within a few seconds of the joke being told his lecture will have been interrupted by someone providing a zoological answer to the standard weight range of polar bears after having accessed the related Wikipedia article.

10,000 Volt Ghost Apr 7th, 2008 08:54 PM

oh, about the polar bear breaking the ice. Find a video of a polar bear breaking ice looking for seals. I'm at work and don't have access to youtube. A polar bear will smell the air to find an underground seal, then stomp the ice to where the seal is, then....well eat the seal.

Sethomas Apr 7th, 2008 10:02 PM

Wow. Guys, that was scary.

A few months ago my former internet provider sold their hold on this region to Comcast. Comcast continued to provide me with the internet service I've grown to love, but every time I've tried to pay them they've refused to take my money.

I guess I figured it was out of a generosity welling from the depths of their kind hearts. I'd keep trying to pay them, but no! They would not take the bank draft data I had provided them and actually use it.

Eventually I began to notice statements that would include reminders of how much I SHOULD be paying them, replete with indications of the late fees that WOULD be incurred to this point, but since this was always on the same page as which stated that they had my financial information on file along with my preference for automatic withdrawal, I knew they were just teasing me.

I'd even call them just to say hello out of appreciation for their goodwill in giving me internet service, and I'd express my desire to reward them accordingly, but they always managed to employ what those in the humanities call "Socratic Irony". They craftily expressed a point, presumably that they love me, by feigning a lack of knowledge or understanding.

Well, today they shut off my internet and by extreme measures I was able to get it back on without paying their minion another $40 to drive the two blocks from their office to my house.

I'm really not that good at the whole spiteful retort thing, but the image I have in mind that should be expressed in some pithy way is this: they should perform felatio on a hog, but do it in an amateur way such that the swine's coiled phallus ends up ejaculating into their trachea. The image of them (because a nebulous corporation such as Comcast can be personified as a small number of responsible individuals in my mind) drowning to death in pork semen isn't particularly apt, and not really all that good as these things go, but it suits me fine.

10,000 Volt Ghost Apr 7th, 2008 10:08 PM

I hate companies where the callcenter and field techs are nowhere near the same page. They usually only have one thing in common.


(call center ( you getting screwed ) Field Support)

Bad VENN diagram but you get the idea.

Sethomas Apr 7th, 2008 10:21 PM

Wait, I do?

Yeah, I was in fact careful to let the field service guy know that I wasn't mad at HIM because some idiots with three times his salary in another state can't properly code a database.

ElPila666 Apr 7th, 2008 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sethomas (Post 546344)
they should perform felatio on a hog, but do it in an amateur way such that the swine's coiled phallus ends up ejaculating into their trachea. The image of them (because a nebulous corporation such as Comcast can be personified as a small number of responsible individuals in my mind) drowning to death in pork semen isn't particularly apt, and not really all that good as these things go, but it suits me fine.

:orgasm What's happening to you lately? Are you writing an erotic book or something?

Asila Apr 7th, 2008 10:28 PM

I fell down a flight of stairs today and now I can't bend my knee. :( That's probably... not good, right?

Sethomas Apr 7th, 2008 10:34 PM

Maybe it's your body's way of telling you to avoid stairs.

Asila Apr 7th, 2008 10:39 PM

Maybe it's my body's way of telling me to avoid shoes with no tread on the bottom. Or... being so pleased with myself that I've a jaunty step.

Sethomas Apr 7th, 2008 10:54 PM

Well, my point was that it's hard to climb stairs without bending the knees. It's possible, but most people would avoid it because of how society would judge you.

You're right in that it makes putting on shoes more difficult, but since the presence of tread on them is irrelevant and the wearing of shoes has a positive general effect on well-being, it seems unlikely that this is the message your body is trying to send.

Sethomas Apr 7th, 2008 10:56 PM

Ha, mixing up subjects within the same clause is funny.

"most people would avoid [awkward climbing of stairs] because of how society would judge you"

It implies something like "I would walk all crazy-like up these stairs, but people can be so cruel to Asila and Asila doesn't need that."

Asila Apr 7th, 2008 11:11 PM

Quote:

Well, my point was that it's hard to climb stairs without bending the knees. It's possible, but most people would avoid it because of how society would judge you.

You're right in that it makes putting on shoes more difficult, but since the presence of tread on them is irrelevant and the wearing of shoes has a positive general effect on well-being, it seems unlikely that this is the message your body is trying to send
This may fail to surprise you, but that's an excellent point that I had not considered. The extra exercise be damned, I knew there was a good reason for elevators.

Sethomas Apr 8th, 2008 01:51 AM

Sometimes, I also talk to people via instant messaging.

Seth: I haven't seen The Ring, but I get the general idea: people see weird video and get a warning that they will die soon, prophesy comes true
Seth: the thing is, that movie was released just early enough
Seth: that they didn't have to have a character put it on YouTube and thus turn it into a Doomsday scenario movie

Eh.

Seth: it's weird having social networks now
Important Person: hah
Important Person: why?
Important Person: because people are ridiculous like they were in middle school?
Seth: because even if you're not in touch through them, you see that people from your ancient past still exist
Seth: for the most part
Important Person: yeaaah
Important Person: that is weird
Seth: and when you realize that someone from your ancient past ISN'T visible like that
Seth: you just assume they stopped existing
Important Person: hah
Important Person: yeah
Seth: things were so much simpler in the middle ages. you knew how your fellow serfs were doing because none of you were allowed to leave the fiefdom, and at some point you'd attend their funerals and they, yours.
Important Person: haha
Important Person: so true
Seth: it's not like someone would disappear and you'd have to ask, "where'd Isodore go?" and have someone tell you "oh, the Tartars got him"
Seth: 'cuz really, if the Tartars come to get someone, they'd probably get you too

(My interlocutor is presented in pseudonym to protect her* from the kinds of people who frequent this message board.)

*I know what you're wondering. Yes, we have made out, but she lives far, far away now so this shouldn't detain any of you ladies from pursuing me.

Fat_Hippo Apr 8th, 2008 05:01 AM

Are all your conversations like this?:lol

MetalMilitia Apr 8th, 2008 09:44 AM

The front page of icanhascheezburger is good today!


:lol


:chatter


:lol


:tear


:lol

HickMan Apr 8th, 2008 10:46 AM

I hate internet cats

MetalMilitia Apr 8th, 2008 11:33 AM

My guess is you can't follow the highly cerebral narrative contained within each image.:posh

Pandajuice Apr 8th, 2008 01:09 PM

Internet cats are cool if the text isn't emo-internet-alized. Is the text on the photos that much funnier when written by a retard?

No.

Sethomas Apr 8th, 2008 01:26 PM

Okay. Go up and look at those pictures. Take the white macro text and pretend that it's written in normal, orthographic spelling and follows normal punctuation and capitalization standards.

When I did that, it was funny to me because I have the frame of context that held it against the established lolcats norms. That is, I derive humor from seeing normal text where my mind has been conditioned to see facetious attacks on the English language. Now, WITHOUT that a priori, it wouldn't be funny at all. We know this because within the history of photography, there is a long chapter that spans over a century involving pictures of cats being captioned by a wide spread of personality types including grandmothers, volunteer Girl Scout leaders, and marketing strategists for companies in the motivational poster industry.

I will be quick to note that the only historically significant instance when this was ever funny involves a lithographic illustration for a children's song popular in the 1890s*. Even in this case, the humor derives from an anachronistic association with the precise verbiage employed and not comic mastery. The English language had to evolve for at least fifty years to sufficiently associate the word "pussy" with the female pudendum and thus provide sufficient unintended irony.


*I love little Pussy, her coat is so warm,
And if I don't hurt her she'll do me no harm.
I'll sit by the fire and give her some food,
And Pussy will love me, because I am good.

liquidstatik Apr 8th, 2008 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HickMan (Post 546455)
I hate internet cats

...

Sethomas Apr 8th, 2008 02:24 PM

The cat that lives in my condo (it's not mine, it belongs to my flatmate's girlfriend and I tolerate this because the of the odd chance I might have a female visitor who will sex me because I have a cat in my abode) is always leaving evidence that he accomplished some amazing feat of manual dexterity. We can only assume, then, that he was born with an evolutionary mutation for opposing thumbs. If he ever breeds, the only conclusion is that humanity is pretty well fucked.

I always figured I'd be somehow involved with the opening chapters of the eschaton, but this is really not what I had in mind.

liquidstatik Apr 8th, 2008 02:29 PM

my cat kills birds and brings them to me, then i pet him and call him a killer :o


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