To the mastermind behind the siphoning of my gas
 

Ever hear of Murphy's Law? The silly old admonition that if something wrong can happen, it probably will? Well, maybe you caught a glimpse of the green leaf insignia on my piece-of-shit car. In the odd chance that you did, perhaps you thought to yourself, "hey, I know what that means! It means that the owner of this car has the option to live responsibly toward the environment by using 85% Ethanol fuel!" To suppose further, you may have realized that there was a slim chance that I actually used E85 fuel in my last fill-up, seeing as the nearest public place that offers it is about thirty miles away.

However, it would be rather odd if you were to know that the last time I filled up was in Noblesville in one such location, and that I did in fact opt to save a little money at the expense of a little mileage. With this in mind, I guess I'll confess that I don't really know what a little excess alcohol will do to your car, to make a few baseline assumptions leading to the fact that you, unlike me, do not drive a vehicle designed to ward against ethanol-induced engine corrosion. Maybe nothing will happen because of it, maybe you'll get colon cancer. Time will tell and time is hell, as they say.

So, whatever misfortunes may come, at least you can say to yourself, "Lo, what a cock-sucking asshole I am. I guess I had it coming."