Okay, mea maxima culpa, I suck huge bigtime. I got overwhelmed by holiday responsabilities, new job duties, commitments to my CHILDREN, and yes, booze and pills and forgetting to take the medication that keeps me from seeing the spectral anti-pope. Oh, and my porn addiction, also my porn addiction. Zomboid, I will contact you shortly and find some way to make up for this excrable (sp?) behavior

Here are my pictures. I would have posted them sooner, but I didn't receive my package until December 24th and I was busy with holiday stuff after that.

So here they are:



Oh boy! A package from Microshock! Can't wait to see what's inside!



Wait...I don't understand. It's as if a Goodwill truck vomited its terrible contents into a box...this can't be right...



Here's a comic about a mother who jumps off a building because I guess she should have had an abortion or something. It's all downhill from here, folks.



Oh, look! A DVD about pregnant pilates and a pacifier! How strange! Oh wait, I get it! This is hilarious, because I am not a woman, nor am I pregnant! Thus, receiving such things is absurd! How delightfully ironic! Comedy! Oh ho ho! I don't know what I was supposed to do with these. Stuff a pillow in my shirt and take a photo of myself practicing pilates along with the DVD? Go to a rave while wearing the pacifier? Perhaps we'll never know.



Some latex gloves (for cleaning, not "up the butt" stuff, you pervy pervs!) and a "Fashion Girl" doll. Again, hilarious because I am not a girl! I am an adult male! How wonderfully "off the wall" this is! But the gloves will be useful, as I am in the process of moving and have to clean the kitchen and bathroom before I leave my current apartment.



A Santa Claus hat and some kind of foot scrubber thing.



Some kind of Shrek shower scrubber thing, which I have to admit, looks pretty funny. And some doggy chew toys. Always funny. Or so I've heard. They squeak, and squeaking is funny, am I right guys?



And finally a purple mirror, some teeny little dinosaur thing, and a gay pirate with some bizarre skin disease.

I would have liked to have come up with some kind of photo story for this shit, but I've got nothing, as these are some of the crappiest Secret Santa items I could imagine. I also seem to recall that we were supposed to spend between $15 and $25 on this. There are about ten items here that almost certainly came from the Dollar Store, so being extremely generous we could say they have a net worth of $10. However, a couple items like the little green dinosaur and the pacifier were almost certainly less than that.

So not only was my package sent late, but it appears to have been sent "on the cheap" as they say. And normally one could say "oh, but it's the thought that counts". To which I will point out that obviously no thought whatsoever went into these items. I don't mean to be a party pooper here, but since my Secret Santa was already "on notice" for being the last person to send their package, I guess I'm extra annoyed. Am I being too harsh here? I'm not trying to get the guy banned or anything. Just trying to make a point, I guess.

Fortunately as I mentioned before, I am in the process of moving to a new house, and I've been making plenty of trips to the Goodwill truck, so I don't exactly have to go out of my way to drop these off where they belong.

That's two years in a row I've gotten screwed by the I-Mockery Secret Santa event (last year by Noob not taking pictures of the stuff I sent, and never responding to any messages about it). This will be the last year I waste my time and money participating in this event. Ho ho ho.

I guess that is what happens when the person sending you stuff is 15 years old. :\

This is kind of like me being the new ZBF. You know, I just picked out the stuff I thought you would create an interesting story with.

But I don't want you feeling fucked over even if you think I did, sorry for sending it late by the way. You will get a correct present within...( today is monday...so....by this friday or saturday?)
Hopefully this will make you change your mind about not participating in future Secret Santa's....

Agh, what have i done?!?!

I think the thing to do was look at all of that stuff before you sent it and say to yourself, "Would I be stoked to get this crap?"

Microshock is definitely the new zbf. Proto, I'm deeply sorry that you got fucked over. I did the random draw thing, but maybe that was a mistake.

Microshock, you don't need to send me anything else, man. Seriously, don't worry about it. I don't mean to make you feel bad...I just didn't know what I could do with those items.

Oh, well it's already bought and shipped so you should be seeing it on wednesday or thursday. Just take a picture of it or something?

I'm pretty sure you'll like this. Just treat those "presents" I sent you as null and as if you never saw them

Update: Ok, now it's shipped. By the way, I didn't fuck him over, I did ship the stuff, it's not like i left him empty handed

Honestly, I don't think you fucked him over and no, you're not ZBF. The gifts may have not been the greatest thing on earth, but you sent him a bunch o' stuff and I'm guessing your intention was to have him put together an amusing photo story with all of it. A few years back, I was sent a bunch o' crap for the Secret Santa event and I actually had a really fun time putting a photo story together with it. After that, I threw out most of the stuff. But I'm really not into doing this event for getting amazing gifts... I just like sending people cool stuff and seeing what they do with it. If I get to make a fun photo story as well, then all the better. :O

...Um... Do this please?

I can't quite say that I'm tired of it buuuuuut... a lot of people seem to think it's about going to the Dollar Tree on a spending spree and giving kazoos and action figures. There's a lot of that. I dunno. The bar should be set a little bit higher with some truly wickid stuffs.

The stories are never funny. I hope that everyone got a gift, or gifts, that they can keep and enjoy, even if they couldn't produce a shitty picture-story out of it.

Sorry for the delay. If anyone must know why I'm late, well, It's cuz I got caught up in sum pooonnannnniii

Since I'm so late I didn't really have time for a story, but I did get Arnold Schwarzenegger to help me out! You can add captions of your own for comic relief. Then share with your friends and family!

Sam was my SS and boy was I lucky!

Here we goooo



BOX IT CAME IN



LOVE NOTE THAT WAS INSIDE



OH SHI* THIS IS NO VIRGI*S ALLOWED STUFF (RIP JP)



BETTER HURRY UP BEFORE THIS STUFF GOES BAD



THNX MAN THAT SHI* *UCKED ME UP



DRANK AND THEN REALIZED I GOT SHOT GLASSES TOO ): THEY WILL BE USED DNT CRY

I COULD TELL ARNOLD APPROVED BY THE LOOK ON HIS FACE:



SEE



IN ALL THEIR GLORY. POP QUIZ: WHICH ONE WAS ACTUALLY USED?



SAM'S MOM MADE THIS S*IT IT WAS GOOD AND STUCK TO MY TEETH


[INSERT YOUR FAVORITE PREDATOR LINE]




VAN MOTHER FUCKIN* DAM*E



[INSERT YOUR FAVORITE JINGLE ALL THE WAY LINE]



DIGGGGGG



SOMEWHERE THERE IS A PROTOCLOWN CRYING RIGHT NOW



[YOUR FAVORITE TWINS LINE]



DNT WORRY INTERNET BOYS N GRLS I DNT SMOKE THAT WHACKY TOBACKY IN THESE



JAH CAUSE WE SMOKE BLUNTZ, KLAUSE



IF YOU LOOK CLOSE ENOUGH AT MY FACE YOU CAN SEE MY LOVE EXPLOSION FACE DUE TO THE SHEER BAD ASSE*Y OF GETTING A DINOROBOT





JAH VHERE IS YOUR NEURO-NET PROCESSOR, KLAUSE :LOL


And that was my X-mas. THNX SAM


PS

Microshock, I appreciate you sending something else, but now I feel like a real penis because of that. :\

Roger pointed out that you probably did spend the proper amount and everything, cuz some of that dollar store stuff is more expensive than you'd expect. Hell, I could only get three things for Zomboid and I just left the price tags on them because they were so damned overpriced.

Anyway, the point is, sorry if I overreacted dude. I had a NEGATIVE REACTION to Christmas and your gift arrived right on Christmas Eve, so it was CURTAINS for your gift right off the bat.

And contrary to what I said last night, I will participate next year.

S'aright. We know talking pickles are worth their weight in gold/platinum/stem cells.

THAT IS SOME GOOD SHIIIIIIIIT. ;)

Alright, well thanks for the good words Rog and Proto. A bit of a mishap with the shipping though, I printed the label on the usps website, the thing is, after you print it, you have to confirm that it printed properly and then it charges to your credit card.

I stupidly forgot this step, sent it off anyway, and now it's probably going to get sent back to me. I contacted their support and maybe they'll let me pay for it...i don't know.

ever since zomboid said the whole thing about "blah blah blah actually get people gifts of stuff they want" i've started to think that this whole this is crap. but rog is right, too; it's supposed to be fun. SO I DUNNO WHO TO SIDE WITH :( :( :(

anyway, i usually send people some dollar tree crap, but i try to keep a theme rather than a bunch of stupid shit. such as rog's bling bling and grisly's gay biker gear. :D see? see? i'm the best secret santa ever [/conceited]

SO YEAH HERE'S ME BITCHING AGAIN ABOUT THE FACT TAHT I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING GIFTSTSFDSSDASDFSGDFAGSE BRTSDG TCFHGVDFC SDGSRESZEFGAHEFVC

Yeah, I sent BigTimeCow a bunch of dollar store stuff and hey, he enjoyed himself, or at least he said he did and i laughed for a good 20 minutes at that.

but needless to say, all that stuff is in the same box it was shipped in burried in a closet somewhere :(

That will be a great memory when you open it up in a decade or so

I thought my Legos and Playdoh were badass. And I made a story with them. I guess that's win-win.

That's pretty much what I mean. I really like the stuff that Proto sent me, and it's not just shit that I'll toss in the closet because there's nothing I can do with it; I have a shitload of little toys and things like that around my place and they're fun to keep out and play with when I'm kinda just sitting around and notice them sitting there.

The pickle in particular will be fun to keep lying around, because no one will know what the fuck it is at first.

You spoiled little fucks. Do you see RoG complaining? What's good for one person is crap for another. Now quit making everything worse by complaining about the gifts you got :rolleyes

I think Sam just decided he was going to shit on everyone and send the best gifts ever.

Edit: Adding on... The Zomboid/Rog debacle has always prevented me from participating in these things. The thought of receiving something glorious is always tempting, but the threat of getting a box full of loofahs and a turkey baster and being expected to create a hilarious story about them always drives me away. I'm fairly sure I'm not the only one who thinks like this.