Something I wrote
 

Since I haven't written anything in a month, I decided to try and produce something. I had what I think was a good idea for something, so I wrote a quick first draft. I consider it to be far too short, and I will be adding to it, but as a first draft I don't think it's too bad. I'll probably use this as a future column. This might be weirder and more abstract than my "You wanna fight?!" column idea. I decided to share this cause I think it's pretty funny. Also I like getting feedback. Enjoy, suckers!

Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth
By Chris Becker

Now first let me say that you've been a great asset to the abstract concept of existence. You've done everything that we hoped you would do, and then some. We couldn't have asked for more from a complex life form.

You brought an energy to the human race that just wasn't there before you entered the world, and for that you need to be commended. However, we aren't here today to tell you how great you are and shove a rainbow up your ass.

I don't think I need to tell you that this is a very bad economy. Companies all over the world are letting go of employees. You probably already know what this is about, but I should probably spell it out for you: Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth.

I know, I know, it's harsh. You're being fired from life. You've had better days, but don't get too down. This isn't your fault; it's just that existence is being downsized and you just happen to be one of the most unnecessary people in all of existence.

Now don't take it the wrong way. This does not at all mean that we don't value your years of production. You've produced enough carbon dioxide during your run to provide life to a small, sick tree for a small fraction of it's life. And how could we forgot all the waste you've produced? All that feces doesn't come cheap, no it doesn't, so don't think we don't appreciate that.

If we ever need someone to enter the human race, contribute nothing to the planet except crap and gas, and do nothing except barely graduate from high school, spend a lifetime working at Kinko's and fall asleep on the couch while eating corn chips and watching Comedy Central, we'll give you a call. It might happen.

Who knows? We're always looking for new temps, and you might just be a perfect fit for us down the road, even though you clearly aren't a perfect fit for us at the current time. But there's always the possibility. What if there's a nuclear war in the future? We'll need somebody, anybody, to repopulate the human race after total Armageddon. And we happen to know that copulation is something you've always wanted to do.

And you can always use us a reference in your search for another existence for you to exist in. If we ever get a call asking about you and what, if anything, you ever did to benefit and advance your race, we;ll make sure to include that time in middle school when you beat 23 other 12-year-olds to win the remedial spelling bee, even though you cheated. We'll also make sure to leave out the vast majority of your accomplishments, because we really respect you.

Really. We do. We want you to find another great dimension you can exist in, just as long as it isn't this one.

excellent work bobo

That was pretty funny; nice work.
I didn't know that your name was Chris until now. :(
Corn chips and Comedy Central.

Well, it looks like I'm no longer needed here. :(

Yeah pretty much, see yah later.

An even bigger "stake in the heart" would be to send this as an e-mail to the offending blitzkrieg bopper. :/

A bit dull, and not overly original.

He said it was a "rough draft". Are you familiar with the term? >:

LIKE YOU??? LOLOLOLOLOL

Whether it's a draft or not is not the sole determinant of dullness.

Well, aren't you a living example? :pointyfinger

How? You could try explaining why it's bad instead of just saying it's bad. Maybe tell me how to make it better, from your years of experience.

My brother said this is like what God emails you before the piano falls on your head. :(

The idea of the "higher power" as a coporate entity amuses me. It reminds me of the Incarnations Of Immortality series by Piers Anthony. That's not to say your work isn't original. You put a slightly differently spin on it. Please expand and refine it a bit and resubmit it. I'd like to see the final draft in the forum.

P.S. Slightly disappointed that the one of the subject's purposes in life wasn't as a point of "mockery". Losers we can laugh at are like "chicken soup for the soul". Cheers!

I want the final draft to be at least twice as long as the first, which means I'm going to have to use every single cliche used by management when they fire people. :(

Before I wrote it, when it was still an idea, I thought the sentence "Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth" sounded familiar as hell, but I couldn't remember if it actually was used anywhere, and I couldn't find anything close to it on google, so I guess not

Scott Adams' Dilbert books should be a good source of inspiration.

I think what the person meant, was that while it's an interesting spin on "Existence", after reading the third "Stanza" there's really no reason to read more.

My suggestion would be to compile it and crunch it till it's smaller and more quippy, that word is neat, quippy. maybe use that word in it, just because the word Quippy is a nice quip. So anyway. Thats my suggestion, but I'm impatient and read poetry/prose, so I probably have the wrong idea about the whole thing.

I kinda agree with you about the first three stanzas thing. But then again, I really don't.

:/

Not to be a jerk les, but how can you be in your house reading e-mails and still being capable to have a piano fall on your head seconds later.


EDIT: OH YEAH LAPTOPS :lol

Who is gods' human resources department?

Ps. I like this. A letter from corporate dieties, :D

:/ :/ :/

I think personally you need to get a life mate. After reading the works of much more interesting literary geniuses than yourself I find your rabblings boring, uninteresting and drafted from a huge selection of works that don't quite belong to you.

As for your brothers piano comment may i suggest a big red x so it doesn't miss the mark?

Thanx from someone questionably more mundane than yourself!!!

You dont speak english very well, do you?

Gee, for a genius like yourself, I would think you would know that an apostrophe goes between r and s. And that internet slang is fucking retarded.

He probably thought Les Waste was the loser of the board and thought if he made fun of him we would greet him with open arms...

You were way off, stupid! :lol

I liked it. :)

Mr. Slinkers is mad at me because I'm not Ernest Hemingway. :(