Need bad advice
 

Only this forum can provide the help I need. I trust you guys to steer me in the right direction.

My "summer fling girl" from six years ago just moved back to town (if you remember the comic saga, you know this means I dug her up again). She's still hot and single. What do I need to do to get her back into my bed instead of just turning into friends?

Alcohol

She doesn't drink much. :<

Find out what will make her think you're prince charming for, like, a week. That should be long enough to break her defenses down enough.

Lay your cards out on the table RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Also, an elaborate rube goldberg device will also work to get her into a bed

The more honest she thinks you're being, the better. SURVIVOR STYLE.

tell her your grandma died for sympathy points :survivorstyle

I suggest a system of pulleys and kind of work backwards from there

More girls are into that kinky shit than you think. It could work.

Bonerhugs

do a charm person spell

I suggest clubbing her over the head and dragging her by the hair back to your home.

A tried and true method that has worked for centuries.

She's actually pretty good with bluntness, and I considered this just so I wouldn't have to spend any time writhing in uncertainty. Probably only good as a last resort though.

Also, willie, I did a spell, but I can't just rely on magic alone to solve everything now can I?

Might I suggest trying whatever it is you did to get into her pants the first time. If it worked once it will probably work again. If it aint broke dont fix it.

Think you could possible stalk her, put a tracking device in her car, tap here phone get all the info you can then hit her up for a facebook fuck.

HAVING A BIGGER DICK THEN YOU HAD BEFORE WOULD BE A START.

OR DELIVER A PIZZA! WOMEN FUCK GUYS DELIVERING LARGE SAUSAGE PIZZAS I AM TOLD!

Buy some tight wrangler jeans and a big summer sausage. ;)

As requested, you have delivered bad (and surprisingly good) advice. According to tradition, I will repay you with an obssessively analytical update with no significant progress. I'm really not stressed about the situation so I can't give you nerdly unrequited-love agony, but maybe someone will find the ongoing story amusing.

Tight jeans are go. I'm 25 pounds lighter than I was in college. Just 7-10 more pounds to go before my six-pack shows so I can feel great about going shirtless on stage next month.

We met up at 1:00 this morning with three other people and drove an hour and a half out of town to lie in a football field and drink wine and watch the meteor shower. She made a bunch of oblique references to our history of making out until dawn, which makes me think she's interested but doesn't want to be too forward. I mentioned to her the other day that I remembered we used to say awful things like dead baby jokes while we were making out, and last night out of the blue she says to everyone, "hey, I remembered a couple of dead baby jokes." How could you not love this woman?

I didn't want to do anything overt while surrounded by people I barely knew, but we spent most of the evening lying close together, comfortably with no awkwardness. Plenty of casual contact but no really unambiguous communication.

We realized late that we'd picked the wrong night for the peak of the meteor shower, so we're doing the same thing tonight but not driving quite so far. Then probably going out tomorrow afternoon too.

YOU WIN! :)

Pern dude, where the fly blue shirt.

GHB and a ball-peen hammer.

Update prz.