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-   -   Another bowel movement story (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69705425)

Jeanette X Nov 27th, 2010 12:07 AM

Another bowel movement story
 
Yes boys and girls, I have another poop story for you. Sit down by the fire allow me to regale you with this tale.

On my way to my Grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving, my lower intestine decided to broadcast the following signal to my brain:


“You need to locate a toilet. Very soon.”


I pulled off the highway into the nearest exit, and began my search. Alas, nothing but farmland stretched before me, and the lower intestine moved to orange alert.


“You REALLY need to find a toilet. Its like, urgent.”


Attempting to contain my panic, I used my GPS to locate the nearest gas station. I pulled into it, my hands clutching the wheel as my lower intestine began to scream:


“You need to find a toilet. RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT KIDDING STOP SCREWING AROUND OR YOU WILL SHIT YOURSELF!"

I sprinted to the door of the Citgo station.
It was closed.
I sprinted to the bathrooms on the side, praying that they were unlocked.
They were pay toilets (what is this, 1978?), and although I had change, the owner(s) of the establishment had decided to park a large car directly in front of them, thus preventing anyone from accessing them whilst the gas station was closed.

I nearly burst into tears. I returned to my car, knowing that I would never be able to make it to the next rest stop.
Then I remembered.

(flashback)
My Dad, to a young Jeanette X who has just gotten use of the car: “Why the hell would you keep an empty coffee can in there?!”
Me: “Because you never know.”
My Dad: “You’re crazy. You should get rid of it.”


I ran to the trunk, removed the empty coffee can, pushed the passenger seat as far back as it would go, placed the coffee can on the floor of the car, and did what I had needed to do so urgently, beating my head against the dashboard in agony from the cramps that were wracking my bowels, and cursing the owners of the Citgo station. Such as my agony, sitting there, my legs cramping, the cold metal rim pressing uncomfortably into my ass-cheeks I even contemplated taking the sealed coffee-can, writing “HAPPY THANKSGIVING” on the lid, and leaving it in front of the gas station door, but I’m not that spiteful.


I called my father once the worst of it subsided and informed him, whist sitting on the (literal) can, in the bluntest possible terms, exactly why I was going to be very late.


This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the fact that I had newspaper and Quiznos napkins handy, and that I did not listen to my Dad.


Fuck you Citgo. I understand being closed on Thanksgiving, but next time, move the damn car away from the pay toilets.

Mockery Nov 27th, 2010 12:30 AM

It's another holiday miracle! :xmas3

Esuohlim Nov 27th, 2010 01:47 AM

It just wouldn't be November without a Jeanette poop update

Wiffles Nov 27th, 2010 06:45 AM

Such a moving story! A tale of suffering, overcoming adversity, resourcefulness and triumph

Pentegarn Nov 27th, 2010 09:39 AM

Keep posting threads like that and this guy will come back

http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/member.php?u=7422

Kitsa Nov 27th, 2010 08:44 PM

You'd be a great fit for poopreport.

hot Kukuro Nov 27th, 2010 10:16 PM

I still got better poop stories.

The Leader Nov 27th, 2010 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hot Kukuro (Post 705356)
I still got better poop stories.

They don't call you "shit head" for nothing.

hot Kukuro Nov 27th, 2010 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Leader (Post 705357)
They don't call you "shit head" for nothing.


ROTFLMFAO!!! HAHA holy shit that's just the funniest crap I've ever heard! Wow, are you just the forum favorite!... or maybe I am, now that I'm being followed around incessantly all of a sudden...:blah

The Leader Nov 27th, 2010 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hot Kukuro (Post 705361)
ROTFLMFAO!!! HAHA holy shit that's just the funniest crap I've ever heard! Wow, are you just the forum favorite!... or maybe I am, now that I'm being followed around incessantly all of a sudden...:blah

Yes, because I responded to another one of your shit posts in another thread. That is incessant. Let's not mention your pathetic pieces of wit which are beginning to seep onto here.

Did you figure out which threads you can post in yet?

hot Kukuro Nov 27th, 2010 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Leader (Post 705363)
Yes, because I responded to another one of your shit posts in another thread. That is incessant. Let's not mention your pathetic pieces of wit which are beginning to seep onto here.

Did you figure out which threads you can post in yet?


Dude, I've been here less than a week and already understand you're the last one EVER allowed to mention wit as it pertains to someone else. In the meantime, there's plenty of something seeping ''onto'' here, that I get the feeling has been around a very long time. I'm just wondering when it'll start getting cleaned up - fast.

The Leader Nov 27th, 2010 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hot Kukuro (Post 705375)
Dude, I've been here less than a week and already understand you're the last one EVER allowed to mention wit as it pertains to someone else. In the meantime, there's plenty of something seeping ''onto'' here, that I get the feeling has been around a very long time. I'm just wondering when it'll start getting cleaned up - fast.

WIT

Tadao Nov 28th, 2010 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hot Kukuro (Post 705361)
now that I'm being followed around incessantly all of a sudden...:blah

Oh fucking hell, we have another one of these. We don't need another one, we just got rid of the last. Please ban him quicker.

MLE Nov 28th, 2010 12:15 AM

Already gave him a warning. I'll check in on his lack of progress later on.

hot Kukuro Nov 28th, 2010 12:17 AM

that's very encouraging, MLE.

MLE Nov 28th, 2010 12:19 AM

All I told you to do was chill. You're not doing a good job of it.

hot Kukuro Nov 28th, 2010 12:32 AM

lol, actually, i feel pretty fine.

MLE Nov 28th, 2010 12:42 AM

I was referring to posting so much.

http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19902

Quote:

Do not reply to everything.
If you absolutely must reply after everyone's posts, do it in the Chat Room thread in General Blabber. Otherwise this will be seen as an extreme nuisance. One of the first things an admin looks for when investigating a nuisance is the number of times they post in a day. New people should keep it under 10 posts per day. If you're registered as hot Kukuro, your post limit will be 5 a day (so make them count, son!)

Nick Nov 28th, 2010 07:15 AM

And you're proud of pooping in a coffee cup?

Jeanette X Nov 28th, 2010 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nick (Post 705445)
And you're proud of pooping in a coffee cup?

Coffee CAN. >:

I'm proud of my foresight in bringing it.

Chojin Nov 28th, 2010 01:40 PM


Sparkles the Fairy Nov 28th, 2010 01:42 PM

Well I poop glitter, so nobody complains where and when I do it. :)

Tadao Nov 28th, 2010 03:33 PM

I would have thrown the coffee cup at the car blocking the bathroom.

replicant Nov 28th, 2010 06:34 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm1GN-mEyvc

Evil Robot Nov 28th, 2010 07:02 PM

It's amazing what people brag about on the internet.


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