My Current Job
 

In my world work is a relative term as it could be more appropriately described as Getting Paid to Squander my Trade Skills. I was hired under false pretenses and spend my days pretending to do IT-related tasks for which I lack the experience or inclination.

Remember that line from Office Space where Peter is talking to the two Bobs?

"Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work."

I swear to god that's me, though instead of 15 minutes it's more like a whole hour. I'm just waiting for someone to peg me w/ upper management potential.

Does that mean you'll start posting again?

How come I can't get a sweet fucking gig like this :(

One can dream... :(

It very well might.

I've contemplated handing them my resignation, but people tell me to swallow my pride and just let myself get fired as there's no compensation for people who quit. But this company is known for being entirely too passive and non-confrontational, so it could be a while before a superior musters the fortitude and says, "Dude. What the fuck do you actually do?"

I really miss those "missed Connections" you used to post on Craigslist....talk about piss your pants funny.. :(

Yeah, it's bettter to get fired, I imagine. One of the most recent interviews I went to, I got a quote like this because I've quit two jobs.

"Hi, how are you doin...wow, your track record SUCKS!"

Good to see you back, McClain!

Anywhere I can take a look at these Craigslist "Missed Connections"?

I found one. Just for you Scroto! <3

MISSED CONNECTION

I saw you pacing about the aisles in Blockbuster looking for that perfect movie. You were wearing a cute T-shirt that said "Gettin' Lucky In Kentucky." I like Kentucky; it's a good state. Better than the other 49, anyway. You know, if you're in to the whole, "Railing your own sister" kinda' thing. Yeah. I knew you were my kind of girl because out of the 25 minutes you spent looking for that perfect movie about eight of those minutes were spent in the Horror section. Girl, I love horror movies.

I'd love to be the guy you clutch in a moment of sheer terror. We can cuddle on the couch because that's something I haven't had in a while. Prostitutes make you pay extra for cuddling -- a bj is incurred in the initial cost, but I have to pay extra to be held? WTFE! Anyway, we'd have to get VHS because I don't have a DVD player. I'm a devotee of VHS like other people are enthusiasts of vinyl. It has a glorious eminence to it. You'll end up sitting on the remote control and we'll both laugh because you liked it.

You kept coming back to the Horror section and you were eyeing one of my favorite movies of all time; Munchies.

That's right baby. I can Munchies you all night long if you want. Actually I can't because I have TMJ and my doctor says I shouldn't even chew gum, but I'm willing to munchie for a couple minutes at least.

As I was sniffing the air real hard, pretending to smell your hair from 4 aisles over, some rather large and downtrodden lady ambled beside me and commented on the movie I had in my hands.

"Glitter! I love that movie!" said the Atrocity.

Then she opened up to me about life as if we were friends. I don't even know why I had that movie. I just grabbed something so that I'd look like I wasn't staring at you even though I was. But then you looked in my direction and saw her talking at me. But we're not together! She's not with me! I don't even know wth she was talking about. Scoville Units or Scottish Eunuchs or something like that? God I hoped that the Atrocity hadn't ruined my chances. I told her that I eat babies and thank GAWD she walked away, acting all disgusted, when the reality was that I was the one who should have been disgusted. But enough about the Atrocity.

Here's where I knew you were too good to be true -- You looked around to see if someone was watching. I thought maybe you caught wind of my spying and freaked out. But no, you looked around, noticed that no one was noticing you and then you then commenced to dig in your ass through your jeans.

Baby, most guys would find this repulsive but I just don't care. I do it, too. Hell, everyone does it; I just won't hide the fact. You can scratch your corn hole all day long if you want to. Doesn't bother me. I'll don a rubber glove, stick a finger the bucket of Crisco (we keep it by the couch, you know, just in case) and rub it if that's what you're in to.

I'm pretty sure our eyes met when you were at the register. I was the guy pretending to sort through the discount candy bin. Do you like miniature Charleston Chews as much as I do? Yeah, that's why I have 5 boxes. I noticed you purchased a soda with your movie. Girl, I love soda.

I love you.

<3

This message was too short. ;<

:lol more, please!!!

you should put 2 or 3 of those into an article. that was fantastic.