Jamesman Presents, #1:
 

The Newbies' Guide for the I-Mockery.net Message Boards (yay)
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These new boards need saving. Every time I come on here, there's some major douche prancing around in his underoos plastering the boards with his fecal matter.

But I'm not here to talk about Protoclown. I'm here to talk about the "newbies" to these boards. Some of them have just arrived, like a Cuban boy on raft arriving at the US of/and/or A. Some of them have already started to situate their asses into the couch cushion. And some of them have been festering for months - maybe even years, like so much Stupid Cancer spreading throughout the body that is these boards.

It makes me very sad. :tear <--- (this is me being sad)

So in order to help this situation, rather than just make fun of the newbies (which we can still do, seeing as we all know this won't change anything anyway), I have decided to write this piece.

First off, let me define the term, "Newbie." As far as I'm concerned, a newbie is someone who is brand new to I-Mockery as a whole, and/or just doesn't quite get how things are around here. Now, I'm saying that I'm Mr. Mockery Veteran (may he rest in peace). I know I'm not exactly the king of these boards. But this isn't about me, so stop trying to make it so, fuckers. >:

So, now that we've established what it means to be a newbie, you can understand that even people who have been here longer than I have can still be considered as such, and how some of the fresh faces can be considered as otherwise. Now, it's time to identify the different types of newbies. I hope that the newbies here will be able to see which type they closely resemble, and how they can better themselves, and their experience here with the rest of us.

Newbie #1: New Mocker


This is just your average new guy. He's been around the internet, and other message boards, so he has a good idea of how these communities are. He is familiar with the website, and has also spent some time checking out the boards before posting. He is very well prepared, and is ready to prove that he can be one of the guys.

Unfortunately, the New Mocker can end up being our next type of newbie, which you will see in a moment. But hopefully, they will be very interesting and amusing contributors to this board. In other words, their newbie status won't last very long.

If you yourself are a New Mocker, you know what's in store for you. Stick out the hazing, and show that you're cool beans. You'll eventually be able to sit at the Welcome Table (one of these days), once the more distinguised fellows around here realize you pose little to no threat.


Newbie #2: BAD New Mocker


Like Newbie #1, this guy has all the preparation and experience to hold his own around these parts. The only problem is he's a complete idiot and/or dickshit. He may have all the right tools, but that doesn't mean he'll be the handyman of your dreams. He'll end up being an annoyance, and the only acceptance he'll find is in the open arms of other newbies or the "less-favorable" members of this place.

Basically, you can still hope for the best. He may just be a late bloomer, and you'll learn to love him (not in a gay way, but like how a guy who is turned on by horses loves a horse). But until then, if "then" even happens, he'll be watched by wary Mockers, and handle how they see fit.

If you are a BAD New Mocker, you will find that the initial "hazing" just doesn't seem to end. You need to do a little soul searching (ie bottle of Schnapps and a Dixie Chicks CD), and figure out how you can better yourself so as not to rub people the wrong way. If that fails, then FUCK YOU NEWBIE! >:

And I think I'll stop there for now, and see how you respond to this. No sense me writing a ton of shit if nobody's gonna read it.

The suspense is killing me. When does the finger pointing start?
Judge me oh mighty mock jock. I'm guessing I'm a nuber two, always a turd. :)

fecal matter :)

Brings a smile to your face, doesn't it, you felchmonger.

I think I'm number 1 stuck in a time loop. In that, I make an insanely stupid post for every 5 normal posts. Including this one. Sigh...

I' am not a number, I' m a man... oh wait I' m newbie number 1.5.
I' m half way to newbie #2, and not as cool as newbie #1 (or as good looking). One day I hope to achieve the same status as Jamesman (That's a joke James, I'm not trying to offend.)
Thank you again you your thoughtfulness and consideration.

If you're good, one day you might achieve Chimp status. :)

This thread gay! >:

Tarzan go take dump. >:

i want to read more jamesman!

Well, you can always check out the tattoo on his penis, but it's a pretty SHORT read, know what I'm sayin'?

I was never a newbie.

Where's the thread for Boobies?

for the sweet love of Shintoism, why in hell's name do you feel compelled to make posts like that?

Nonsense does not neccesarily equal funny. Try waiting till you actually get a good idea, or just just don't post at all.

damn Reading that shit was such a waste of time

Fat people has just killed themselves thanks to this board


(P.S I know this image has been posted before but it's funny)

If I just don't post anything for a couple days (except WC3 get togethers) is it possible I could avoid being a casualty of the newbie holocaust that must now occur?

Newbie Types 3 and 4 will be up later tonight!

Can I be NEWBIE TYPE:

"Just appears out of no where one night in a jason mask and bandanna and draws pictures of giant robot hitlers."

???

Is the picture of the person for newbie type #1 a guy or a girl :confused

It's a Pat.

Newbie #3: Captain Reply-Happy


This newbie feels he has things so important to say, he must reply with his 4-word sentences to every thread. He doesn't contribute to anything but our poorly-supressed rage.

If you find yourself replying frequently with pointless shit such as "Yeah, I like that too," or find yourself posting in more than 45 threads in 24 hours, this is you. FUCKING STOP. The less you reply, the more you'll have to say in each of your posts (hopefully). And who knows? Maybe some of it will start being intelligent!

Newbie #4: Dickhead


This guy thinks he's God's gift to these boards. Everyone else is worthless shit whose opinions don't matter (usually because their opinions include "you're a dickhead"). With their holier-than-though attitude, they strut around the board attacking anyone who they've had run-ins with in other threads (usually about how much of a dickhead he is). This is a severe case; one that can keep a person in Newbie status for years.

If you are a Dickhead, go away. There's very little hope of you ever getting off your high horse and accepting that you're not our savior, so just go away. Perhaps you can go play King Shit over on a Slipknot message board.

newbie #4: see also daisyhead :lol

If my being a #whatever was somehow a catalyst to the making of this thread than I'd say it was more than worth it. :) I'm still :lol at the pictures.

Will there be a 5 and 6?

What about the "one hit wounder" newbie? The kind that everyone loves for about 2 secounds and then they all hate him.

Daisyhead had to be the worst type of newbie. but her destruction was like the greatest thing.
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