Quotes you want to hear in an action movie
 

In the SURVEY thread, I mentioned the idea of a type of thread where you would contribute to a theme but exclude commentary or any unrelated hijinks, regardless of how zany an objective audience might find them.

Let's test that out right now, okay?

Every once in a while I'll come up with a fantastically stupid quote that belongs in an action movie, but because I haven't seen that many action movies I'm free to assume they've never been spoken. Most of these have been lost to history (alcohol, I'm looking in your direction), but I've created this thread to avert such future tragedy.

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1)
You! I've got a bone to pick with you. Unfortunately for you, the one I had in mind was ones of those tiny bones of the middle ear, you know, the ones that don't actually grow after you're born, so I'm going to have to pick it with this (pulls out knife). I don't imagine it's going to feel good on your end.

2)
You've been dead to me for a long, long time. Now you're about to be dead to everyone else. Even to yourself.

3)
There's something I just don't like about listening to a man beg for his life. That's why I developed a horrific two-hour killing ritual that insures that by the time they know for sure they're going to die, the thought of begging for their lives never even crosses their minds. Only recently did it click in that it's kind of silly since I cut out their tongues within the first twenty minutes, but it's hard to break out of routine sometimes.

http://i-mockery.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=16

:rolleyes

You tell 'im, Rankeri.

In any scene involving fire, rockets, job interviews from hell: YOU'RE FIRED!

In any scene involving steam trains, steam pipes, steam boats: TIME TO LET OFF A LITTLE STEAM, BENNET/YOU'RE GETTING ME STEAMED!

In any scene in which someone is talking: That sentence just became your DEATH SENTENCE!

In any scene in which someone is browsing early 90s black comedies: death becomes YOU!

Hero: I don't see bad guys, all I see is caskets.

Antagonist: Enjoy this final moment of reprieve, old friend. For once the shadow on this sundial reaches twelve o'clock you will surely meet your maker.

Protagonist: I make my own fate, buster brown!

Antagonist: Perhaps you'd like me to dial 911? Although, I'm sure a janitorial service would be more beneficial after I'm done with you.

Protagonist: No need, I'm the one here to clean up and this place is looking mighty dirty!

Antagonist: Dirty? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder I suppose. To bad you won't have eyeballs once my Kinetic Conductor Relays boil them out of their sockets.

Protagonist: You're a boil on the American people and I'm here to lance you!

Antagonist: You know I consider Lance Armstrong to be a personal inspiration. I even named one of my ships after him. That was, of course, before you sunk my slave trading ring. Just like I'm about to sink you into this vat of molten lava!

Protagonist: You know, in all my life the only ship I've ever wanted to sail was friendship. Well guess what buddy. You just sunk my battleship!

Antagonist: Boardgames?! I remember when we used to play boardgames together. You never could beat me. I suppose, once again, this is checkmate.

Protagonist: I'm not one of your pawns, scum! I'm an American! I eat hamburgers for lunch, hot dogs for dinner and criminal scum like you for breakfast!

Antagonist: It is supper, isn't it? I suppose I'll leave you to this. Do try not to fry your own brain in your inevitable attempt at escape. Though, that might be increasingly difficult, what with your head being strapped into the Mind Overloader!

Protagonist: Get me a forklift and I'll overload you!

Let us eat a jesuit

When you turn your back on me you get my sympathy. When I turn my back on you I get your knife.

"What are you doing with that pelican."

eat grass mr. gardener

AND

HOW'D YOU LIKE IT IF I READ THAT NOTE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS

OR

YOU'RE OUTTA MY TOP FRIENDS

:(

"Next time you eat out your wife, you'll encounter the taste of my semen and it will be so overpowering that you have to lick her anus get rid of the taste and avoid delirium. Unfortunately for you, there you will be overwhelmed by the taste of my dog's semen."

Hell, that could fit into most romantic comedies made lately.

"Huh, says that the average steak is 78% water. Seems like a waste, if you ask me."
'Well, I didn't ask you because I have a basic working understanding of mammalian physiology. But since you brought it up, I'd guess from your build that you're about 65% water. Prepare to get wasted!'
(pulls gun from trench coat, shoots other guy in face.)

"FOR REAL HOMIE"

"You're too late, Dr. McCormick. In mere hours a team of scientists in a massive underground facility beneath Geneva will create... a BLACK HOLE!"
-"Wait, you're talking about CERN, aren't you?"
"Err, umm, what difference does it make? Soon there will be a..."
-"A black hole, I know, I know. Just because among the huge number of historical perils mankind is facing right now, that the black hole one is the most mysterious and has the most foreboding name, doesn't negate the fact that a very basic understanding of quantum mechanics is enough to demonstrate that it's phenomenally unlikely that one created in an accelerator will do anything of interest to anyone except people with at least a Master's Degree in Physics, let alone wipe out humanity. Like, it's unlikely in the sense that you're more likely to die from your own farts than from an out-of-control black hole. While counter-intuitive in that an actual black hole encounter with earth would instantaneously end the life of every human being on the planet before anyone could possibly become aware of the situation, you would in fact be able to end humanity far, far more quickly by taking up smoking cigarettes to contribute to global warming. Jackass."

Two men sitting at a table, eating dinner.
"Oh, confound it, I spilled the last of this Pinot Grigio on your lovely table linens. It shouldn't stain, but would you pass the napkins please, Lord Devastation?"
-"Hmmmm. NO!"
(Lord Devastation then slaps an ominous yet hitherto unnoticed red button on the dining table, the other person's head explodes.)

"This will have to do, until I come up with something more creatively draconian."

the dishes are done... and some of them are broken

"The Devil wants dates, and I´m his Celestine"

"OH MY GOD!!! IT'S TOM KENNY!!!!"
(one person looks over her shoulder)

a spray of bullets mows down the crowd except for the girl who looked away

The girl speaks like Roger Rabbit "Well, I justh don't know whath to thay!"

It turns out the "girl" is Jess Harnell.

(In a blacksploitation)
"I got 99 problems, but a moral aversion to poppin' a cap in yo' ass ain't one"

"Your first mistake was existing."

in a movie involving clowns with gun
"fun time is over"
"stop clowning around"

"I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your ass it'll knock out your front teeth" :buddycop

"You might be a king, or a street-sweeper, but sooner or later, you'll dance with the reaper."

A movie about America invading Japan.

Cue cliched spinning Newspaper on screen.

American President on Headline quoted, "All Your Base Are Belong To Us!".

Japanese President who was captured by America quoted, "Don't Tase Me Bro!"

And the internet rolls around in laughter.