I-Mockery Forum - "Manos" The Hands of Fate

"MANOS" the Hands of Fate is one of the most infamous films in America. It is regarded to be the worst film in the world by some. Those fortunate folk have never seen Porno Holocaust or Axe'em. To see hilarious reviews of those films check out thecinemasnob.com! That guy watches movies that do not exist in my wildest nightmares! I have seen "Horror Rises from the Grave" here people.

Now, back to the review. Mike, his wife Laurie, and their daughter Debbie are on a road trip, taking their black poodle with them. The dog's name is...I honestly don't know if they ever named the dog. I've seen this movie 15 times and I just don't know. We'll call her Puppy. They are travelling in the vicinity of the West Texas town of El Paso where I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Not really. There is a very long travel montage with some lady singing about...I really can't tell because the sound quality is so bad. Eventually we get a break from the travel montage to hear a rockin' and rollin' song about cars, or girls, or both while two people who are supposed to be teenagers but look at least 24, are making out in a car. They watch the family drive by, and wonder where they could possibly be going, since the road leads to nowhere. This is important but they just go back to kissing and drinking what looks like vanilla extract.

Back with the family, Debbie complains about being cold, so Laurie invites her to come up to the front seat and sit with the family. We also are treated to the most forced and desperate rendition of "Row, Row, Your Boat" I have ever heard. I went to public school in Ogden, Utah.

Eventually the deputies come by and tell the "teens" to piss off. They complain about "the man" bothering them when there are other people further down the road. This will be the second time in the film the deputies come and tell the "teens" to "git". The family comes to a strange house with an even stranger caretaker.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Torgo! He looks and probably smells, like a hobo. He wears a battered and floppy hat, dusty coveralls, and a patchy suit jacket. To complete his hobo outfit he has the requisite bizarre staff. Hobos in your area DON'T pretend to be wizards? Hmmmmm. He stands there awkwardly for a few minutes and then announces, haltingly that he is Torgo. He watches over the place while the Master is away.

Torgo has REALLY big knees. I think this is supposed to indicate that he has a deformity, perhaps even that his legs bend backward, like a satyr. I like to think that was what the director was going for. After some badgering from Mike (this is his defining character trait) Torgo agrees to let them stay the night and even helps with the bags. If I were Torgo I would have simply said "Piss off, or the Hands of Fate will push you into the yawning abyss!" and start waving my weird staff around. Then again, that would have made the movie even shorter. Believe it or not, this movie is under 70 minutes long.

Now, I'm going to stop the synopsis here and get into speculative territory and critiquing. This film was made using a Bell and Howell bargain camera that could only record 30 SECONDS of footage at a time. This will help the movie make more sense. The Master, who is a stone cool pimp, has a harem of about eight wives. The wives are, along with Torgo, disciples of Manos, who, the Master tells us in his prayers, is the God of Primal Darkness. The Hands of Fate are apparently the spiritual force that guides the Master and all followers of Manos. I think that Manos is supposed to be some sort of Lovecraftian Outer Horror. Those stories had enjoyed a resurgence in popularity in the 60s, leading up to the poorly-made, but still somehow true to the story, film adaptation of the Dunwich Horror. Give that one a look. I found it interesting.

The scene in this movie that gets the most time is a brawl between the wives (of the Master) over what they should do regarding the family. This dogmatic quarrel leads to a very real one. A completely unscripted, unchoreographed clusterfuck. All during this scene we hear an attempt at using a clarinet for horror music. No, seriously.

Parting thoughts on this film are, I wonder what could have been accomplished with a budget and time and such. This film was made over a three-day weekend and had a budget of under $8,000.00 according to one story I read. Other thoughts are that the acting is horrible, with the exception of the Master, who never breaks character or stoops to chewing the scenery, with his Freddie Mercury mustache and black robe featuring a giant pair of red hands. Yes, I plan to cosplay the Master at some point.

Overall, this movie is bad, but it can be enjoyable. I recommend watching the MST3K version.

This film is not capable of being rated by my meager system. So I will give it 3 cans of Mountain Dew and a bag of of guacamole Doritos

Shadowdancer out! :rock