Okay, mea maxima culpa, I suck huge bigtime. I got overwhelmed by holiday responsabilities, new job duties, commitments to my CHILDREN, and yes, booze and pills and forgetting to take the medication that keeps me from seeing the spectral anti-pope. Oh, and my porn addiction, also my porn addiction. Zomboid, I will contact you shortly and find some way to make up for this excrable (sp?) behavior

Here are my pictures. I would have posted them sooner, but I didn't receive my package until December 24th and I was busy with holiday stuff after that.

So here they are:



Oh boy! A package from Microshock! Can't wait to see what's inside!



Wait...I don't understand. It's as if a Goodwill truck vomited its terrible contents into a box...this can't be right...



Here's a comic about a mother who jumps off a building because I guess she should have had an abortion or something. It's all downhill from here, folks.



Oh, look! A DVD about pregnant pilates and a pacifier! How strange! Oh wait, I get it! This is hilarious, because I am not a woman, nor am I pregnant! Thus, receiving such things is absurd! How delightfully ironic! Comedy! Oh ho ho! I don't know what I was supposed to do with these. Stuff a pillow in my shirt and take a photo of myself practicing pilates along with the DVD? Go to a rave while wearing the pacifier? Perhaps we'll never know.



Some latex gloves (for cleaning, not "up the butt" stuff, you pervy pervs!) and a "Fashion Girl" doll. Again, hilarious because I am not a girl! I am an adult male! How wonderfully "off the wall" this is! But the gloves will be useful, as I am in the process of moving and have to clean the kitchen and bathroom before I leave my current apartment.



A Santa Claus hat and some kind of foot scrubber thing.



Some kind of Shrek shower scrubber thing, which I have to admit, looks pretty funny. And some doggy chew toys. Always funny. Or so I've heard. They squeak, and squeaking is funny, am I right guys?



And finally a purple mirror, some teeny little dinosaur thing, and a gay pirate with some bizarre skin disease.

I would have liked to have come up with some kind of photo story for this shit, but I've got nothing, as these are some of the crappiest Secret Santa items I could imagine. I also seem to recall that we were supposed to spend between $15 and $25 on this. There are about ten items here that almost certainly came from the Dollar Store, so being extremely generous we could say they have a net worth of $10. However, a couple items like the little green dinosaur and the pacifier were almost certainly less than that.

So not only was my package sent late, but it appears to have been sent "on the cheap" as they say. And normally one could say "oh, but it's the thought that counts". To which I will point out that obviously no thought whatsoever went into these items. I don't mean to be a party pooper here, but since my Secret Santa was already "on notice" for being the last person to send their package, I guess I'm extra annoyed. Am I being too harsh here? I'm not trying to get the guy banned or anything. Just trying to make a point, I guess.

Fortunately as I mentioned before, I am in the process of moving to a new house, and I've been making plenty of trips to the Goodwill truck, so I don't exactly have to go out of my way to drop these off where they belong.

That's two years in a row I've gotten screwed by the I-Mockery Secret Santa event (last year by Noob not taking pictures of the stuff I sent, and never responding to any messages about it). This will be the last year I waste my time and money participating in this event. Ho ho ho.

I guess that is what happens when the person sending you stuff is 15 years old. :\

This is kind of like me being the new ZBF. You know, I just picked out the stuff I thought you would create an interesting story with.

But I don't want you feeling fucked over even if you think I did, sorry for sending it late by the way. You will get a correct present within...( today is monday...so....by this friday or saturday?)
Hopefully this will make you change your mind about not participating in future Secret Santa's....

Agh, what have i done?!?!

I think the thing to do was look at all of that stuff before you sent it and say to yourself, "Would I be stoked to get this crap?"

Microshock is definitely the new zbf. Proto, I'm deeply sorry that you got fucked over. I did the random draw thing, but maybe that was a mistake.

Microshock, you don't need to send me anything else, man. Seriously, don't worry about it. I don't mean to make you feel bad...I just didn't know what I could do with those items.

Oh, well it's already bought and shipped so you should be seeing it on wednesday or thursday. Just take a picture of it or something?

I'm pretty sure you'll like this. Just treat those "presents" I sent you as null and as if you never saw them

Update: Ok, now it's shipped. By the way, I didn't fuck him over, I did ship the stuff, it's not like i left him empty handed

Honestly, I don't think you fucked him over and no, you're not ZBF. The gifts may have not been the greatest thing on earth, but you sent him a bunch o' stuff and I'm guessing your intention was to have him put together an amusing photo story with all of it. A few years back, I was sent a bunch o' crap for the Secret Santa event and I actually had a really fun time putting a photo story together with it. After that, I threw out most of the stuff. But I'm really not into doing this event for getting amazing gifts... I just like sending people cool stuff and seeing what they do with it. If I get to make a fun photo story as well, then all the better. :O

...Um... Do this please?

I can't quite say that I'm tired of it buuuuuut... a lot of people seem to think it's about going to the Dollar Tree on a spending spree and giving kazoos and action figures. There's a lot of that. I dunno. The bar should be set a little bit higher with some truly wickid stuffs.

The stories are never funny. I hope that everyone got a gift, or gifts, that they can keep and enjoy, even if they couldn't produce a shitty picture-story out of it.

Sorry for the delay. If anyone must know why I'm late, well, It's cuz I got caught up in sum pooonnannnniii

Since I'm so late I didn't really have time for a story, but I did get Arnold Schwarzenegger to help me out! You can add captions of your own for comic relief. Then share with your friends and family!

Sam was my SS and boy was I lucky!

Here we goooo



BOX IT CAME IN



LOVE NOTE THAT WAS INSIDE



OH SHI* THIS IS NO VIRGI*S ALLOWED STUFF (RIP JP)



BETTER HURRY UP BEFORE THIS STUFF GOES BAD



THNX MAN THAT SHI* *UCKED ME UP



DRANK AND THEN REALIZED I GOT SHOT GLASSES TOO ): THEY WILL BE USED DNT CRY

I COULD TELL ARNOLD APPROVED BY THE LOOK ON HIS FACE:



SEE



IN ALL THEIR GLORY. POP QUIZ: WHICH ONE WAS ACTUALLY USED?



SAM'S MOM MADE THIS S*IT IT WAS GOOD AND STUCK TO MY TEETH


[INSERT YOUR FAVORITE PREDATOR LINE]




VAN MOTHER FUCKIN* DAM*E



[INSERT YOUR FAVORITE JINGLE ALL THE WAY LINE]



DIGGGGGG



SOMEWHERE THERE IS A PROTOCLOWN CRYING RIGHT NOW



[YOUR FAVORITE TWINS LINE]



DNT WORRY INTERNET BOYS N GRLS I DNT SMOKE THAT WHACKY TOBACKY IN THESE



JAH CAUSE WE SMOKE BLUNTZ, KLAUSE



IF YOU LOOK CLOSE ENOUGH AT MY FACE YOU CAN SEE MY LOVE EXPLOSION FACE DUE TO THE SHEER BAD ASSE*Y OF GETTING A DINOROBOT





JAH VHERE IS YOUR NEURO-NET PROCESSOR, KLAUSE :LOL


And that was my X-mas. THNX SAM


PS

Microshock, I appreciate you sending something else, but now I feel like a real penis because of that. :\

Roger pointed out that you probably did spend the proper amount and everything, cuz some of that dollar store stuff is more expensive than you'd expect. Hell, I could only get three things for Zomboid and I just left the price tags on them because they were so damned overpriced.

Anyway, the point is, sorry if I overreacted dude. I had a NEGATIVE REACTION to Christmas and your gift arrived right on Christmas Eve, so it was CURTAINS for your gift right off the bat.

And contrary to what I said last night, I will participate next year.

S'aright. We know talking pickles are worth their weight in gold/platinum/stem cells.

THAT IS SOME GOOD SHIIIIIIIIT. ;)

Alright, well thanks for the good words Rog and Proto. A bit of a mishap with the shipping though, I printed the label on the usps website, the thing is, after you print it, you have to confirm that it printed properly and then it charges to your credit card.

I stupidly forgot this step, sent it off anyway, and now it's probably going to get sent back to me. I contacted their support and maybe they'll let me pay for it...i don't know.

ever since zomboid said the whole thing about "blah blah blah actually get people gifts of stuff they want" i've started to think that this whole this is crap. but rog is right, too; it's supposed to be fun. SO I DUNNO WHO TO SIDE WITH :( :( :(

anyway, i usually send people some dollar tree crap, but i try to keep a theme rather than a bunch of stupid shit. such as rog's bling bling and grisly's gay biker gear. :D see? see? i'm the best secret santa ever [/conceited]

SO YEAH HERE'S ME BITCHING AGAIN ABOUT THE FACT TAHT I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING GIFTSTSFDSSDASDFSGDFAGSE BRTSDG TCFHGVDFC SDGSRESZEFGAHEFVC

Yeah, I sent BigTimeCow a bunch of dollar store stuff and hey, he enjoyed himself, or at least he said he did and i laughed for a good 20 minutes at that.

but needless to say, all that stuff is in the same box it was shipped in burried in a closet somewhere :(

That will be a great memory when you open it up in a decade or so

I thought my Legos and Playdoh were badass. And I made a story with them. I guess that's win-win.

That's pretty much what I mean. I really like the stuff that Proto sent me, and it's not just shit that I'll toss in the closet because there's nothing I can do with it; I have a shitload of little toys and things like that around my place and they're fun to keep out and play with when I'm kinda just sitting around and notice them sitting there.

The pickle in particular will be fun to keep lying around, because no one will know what the fuck it is at first.

You spoiled little fucks. Do you see RoG complaining? What's good for one person is crap for another. Now quit making everything worse by complaining about the gifts you got :rolleyes

I think Sam just decided he was going to shit on everyone and send the best gifts ever.

Edit: Adding on... The Zomboid/Rog debacle has always prevented me from participating in these things. The thought of receiving something glorious is always tempting, but the threat of getting a box full of loofahs and a turkey baster and being expected to create a hilarious story about them always drives me away. I'm fairly sure I'm not the only one who thinks like this.

Yeah, I didn't participate one year because it looked like there'd be a whole lot of LOL STORY TIME shit going on. Well, unless we can figure something out for next year, maybe those of us who aren't into the whole story thing, but ARE into cool gifts can just do our own thing.

I more or less liked how this year turned out, but yeah, we'll see what happens, I guess.

This is one of the weaker years in term of participation. Seems like the first secret santa :(

Well, it's a damn good thing that you're setting the bar high for next year's participants.

I'm just depressed because I felt my gifts were pretty good but no pics were posted yet.

Did he hate them that bad or did my gifts break his camera??

I'm just thinking out loud here..

(dangerous thing to do on this board, I know)

Wait, who did you send gifts to? I'll find out what the hold up is.

Microshock, I got your other package today and it was AWESOME. I laughed and laughed when I saw how ridiculous the one thing is. Well, they're both ridiculous, but the ONE thing just had me cracking up. (I'm avoiding spoilers until I post the pics).

I'm about to head out of town for a New Year's party, but I will post pics of the stuff ASAP.

Anyway, you did NOT have to do that, man, but the new stuff was EXTREMELY worthy and I will be sure to take some good pics of them soon!

I applaud Microshock for going above and beyond the call of duty.

DONT WORRY MOTHERFUCKERS I WILL POST REAL PICGURES SOON

Hey, thanks for saying my gift was good. Hopefully you enjoy it, I have 2 of those

Stop saying things Microsoft, it only makes it worse.

Tadao, stop going in threads you have no reason to be in, it only makes me see more bunnies. ;)

First and foremost, I'd like to apologize for my delay in posting these secret santa pics. I got caught up in holiday travel and when I returned home I found that my family had been...infected.


After much grieving, I finally sent out for ...

A FUCKING ZOMBIE SURVIVAL KIT!!!!!!!

There were many helpful diagrams and instructions on the outside of the kit

An official government document lay inside

Seems it was from someone very high up

Let's see what this kit contains

Hmm...training films

Excellent research material...
apparently you need to remove the head or destroy the brain

In addition to the films there is a marvelous hygiene and energy pack:


Coffee, creamer, toothbrush, toothpaste, handiwipes, soap, plastic bags, shaving cream, safe-razor, and a cup (to use as a makeshift toilet)

Not to mention an energy booster and this little gem

Simply just too wonderful for words
Hygiene is all well and good but I need some serious weaponry

That's what i'm talking about!! Superior Ballistic Fire Power!

So there you have it a complete survival kit.

Oh and there is a flashlight and battries as well...but I don't see why I'd need...







OH SHIT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT!!








i HEAR SOMETHING!

Alright then....GOD MODE!









I think it's coming from in here!

Nope just the shitter!




Wait....I think it's outside the door.



The back-up generators are warming up


Ready...


Aim...

The lights are back on! It's just the damn dog.

Guess I should still kill it though...just to be safe.



Thank you so so much LittleDollClaudia...this present kicked so much ass.
I sincerely apologize for posting my pics late.

thanks,
Harry Lime

That's a great pile of gifts. LittleDollClaudia looks like she put a lot of work into it.

That's the most adorable dog I've ever seen.

AHSD80ASHD80ASD8ASD0S80DHAS80HDAS8DA0HD0ASD

can someone just tell me who sent my gifts so i can rape them

Oh man that sucks, hey if the guy screwed you over, Protoclown will just send you the shit i sent him! Right? RIGHT?

HEY, YOU CALM THE FUCK DOWN! Your secret santa is a cherished member of this community and pretty much has immunity, so ... :/

Yeah, your gift will arrive right away though. OF THIS, I AM CERTAIN!

I AM CALM >:

i know, you've told me before that i got someone trustworthy, and i do trust them! i'm just kinda upset because we did it so early and i figured i'd have them by now


I'M SORRY Z PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND BE MY BROTHER IN I-C*CKERY 4EVA :love

I got a bunny movie!

from who?

Rog, but it wasn't for Christmas :(
But seriously, we all know who owes BTC and hopefully he isn't in a bind and can resolve this issue soon.

i wanted to do some deduction from the list of participants, but 14 pages is a lottt :/

but... i don't remember someone saying they got gifts from burbank? is that who i got? :D :D :D if so, :D :D :D

Wow HarryLime, that made me laugh so hard my neighbors knocked on my door to make sure I was okay.

I'm so glad you enjoyed your present. I really wanted to include a body for target practice, but we had already burned all the zombies in our area.

Maybe next year's theme will involve a corpse to shoot at for my lucky Secret Santa!

Or just for some weird experimentations...

P.S. your dog is very cute!

TIME'S UP, SLEUTHING FAILED, I SENT IT

:O

Come on, post the pictures already!

I will have my new pics up soon! I'm in the middle of a move right now so everything is really chaotic. But I will try to have them up in the next couple days.

HAI AHM 10,000 VOLT GHOST


THIS IS WHAT I GOT FOR CHRISSMUS



BY THIS POINT I HAVE WATCHED IT AND AM STUNNED INTO SILENCE. EITHER I'M ON MY HANDS AND KNEES WORSHIPING DAVID LYNCH, LAUGHING BOUT ANTS AND ONE-ARMED DUCK FUCKERS, OR WONDERING WHAT THE @#$! I DID TO THIS "RHYS" PERSON TO DESERVE THIS CONFUSING, UGLY, AND HORRIBLE VIEW OF SUBURBAN LIFE

My camera phone stopped working on me a few weeks back. I came home last night and found a webcam attached to my computer though. So I'll be able to take some better pictures than the one I put up. The package didn't have any detailed information about who sent it. Just from Philly. I'm getting some wine tonight and hanging out with my fake-sister. I'll have her take pictures of it. I like David Lynch, I was kind of underwhelmed while watching this though.

Okay, borrowed my sisters camera.....

Hmm? What have we here?


A DVD I got for Christmas. I'll put it in and see what the fuck it is.



Well, this looks weird.





He looks like he's about the say something....





Or eat someone's fucking head. What is he looking at?







She really pissed him off. Thank you for the DVD GUS. It was out there

Microshock, I apologize again for the delay. Tonight things were finally calm enough that I had a chance to take some photos, but I discovered that my roommate has already moved his camera over to the new house. My other roommate (whose camera is still here, somewhere) is out of town and won't be back until late tomorrow night. Hopefully I'll have pictures for you by Wednesday night.

alright i'm fucking sick of this. where the fuck is my fucking gift >: >: >: >: >:

ASK MAX DIRECTLY >:

AND YOU GOT MAD AT ME ZOMBOID! HOW DARE YOU!

Fuck off. You fucked up and only redeemed yourself by sending proper gifts. Aside from your redemption for your terrible act, what have you ever contributed either to the site or forum?

Max, on the other hand, has been writing for the site and being JUST PLAIN WONDERFUL on these forums since before you hit puberty. I think a bit of understanding for his extenuating circumstances isn't a whole fuck of a lot to ask.

Alright, I know I've taken my sweet time getting these pictures up, but I'm right in the middle of moving right now so my life is fairly hectic at the moment, and it took some time before my roommate (camera man) and I were both free. But AT LONG LAST--NOT A DREAM, NOT A HOAX! HERE ARE THE PICS YOU CAME TO SEE!!!

First off, I have to tip my hat to Microshock in a BIG way. I wasn't that thrilled with the initial gifts he sent, but they were by no means the worst I have seen on here. They just struck me as boring, but they in NO way demanded that he send more stuff. But send more stuff he did anyway, because he's a stand up kind of guy.



So let's see what we have here. I didn't hear any ticking so I deemed it safe to open--AND INSIDE I FOUND:



HOLY SHIT DID THIS THING CRACK ME UP. I laughed and laughed and couldn't stop laughing when I opened it up. It just looks so ridiculous. It's AWESOME! Now THIS is something I will display on my desk until I'm well into my eighties and it's just gotten kind of weird and creepy. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!



Also inside was a pretty funny C-3PO keychain. You can't see why it's so damned funny here, but when I zoom in, you will:



He is in the GAYEST pose he could possibly be in. They took a gay robot and made him about ten times gayer. He's halfway in between "Oh my, I'm going to faint!" and doing the princess wave. I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing yet, but I will find SOME use for it, don't you worry. Something this funny has got to be put on display. But now it was time to take Wolvie out of the box.



And that's when I noticed that this box (and toy, perhaps?) was made from 100% recycled awesome. Because there's just not that much new awesome to go around.



Here's a close-up of the ol' Canucklehead. Every time I look at that gargantuan round dome sitting on top of his neck, I can't help but laugh. Suddenly I felt inspired by Wolverine:



The pretzel is supposed to be a cigar. Look, if you can believe that three butter knives are claws, you can believe that the pretzel is a cigar, okay?



RAAARRRRGH!!! BERZERKER RAGE TIME!!! (MY CLAWS ARE CROOKED!)



WAIT TILL HUGH JACKMAN GETS A LOAD OF ME
(the pretzel kind of makes me look like Hitler here)

And there we have it. These gifts provided me with much amusement and will only continue to do so. So let no one say anything bad about Microshock. He really went out of his way on this one when he totally didn't have to. So I thank you, sir! I have a little something special coming your way soon as well (it's not sex).

Nice pictures ha ha! Yeah, i love those mighty muggs, im interested in what non-sex thing you have to send me :)

Zomboid, seriously, cut the shit. What the hell am i supposed to contribute to this site? I go on the forums, i read some of the reviews and blog posts you guys make and i participated in 3 events so far.
I have not fucked anyone over on the site and didn't fuck up. Yes the gifts were late and pretty lame now that i see them but its the same stuff i've been sending for the past 2!

It's great you think Max is WONDERFUL but that doesnt mean i fucked up, its really nice you have to mention it in every other post about me when you're not off being a ps3 hater on the gaming forums

I hope your mom knows that you're swearing on the internet. I haven't harped on you fucking up anywhere but in this thread, and you bring it on yourself in here.

Go to bed now. You've got school tomorrow, young man!

Z I :LOVE YOU

so emoticons don't work in capitals? :love

I :love you too, babycakes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and be a ps3 hater in the gaming forum now.

As an aside for micro - I realize you sent the same shit that you've sent for the past two years, but if you look at some of the comments in this thread, you'll see that other people agree that HILARIOUSLY ZANY gifts like the ones you keep sending aren't exactly ideal.

I know that sending pregnancy stuff must be hilarious for 16 year olds, but most grown men aren't going to clutch their stomachs from laughing too hard at such a wacky gift. Good on you for making up for that. I mean it. Don't expect any kind of pat on the back though, considering you sent out your original shit late, and it was just that - shit.

You ask what you can contribute? I dunno. Posts that are worth reading in some way? Offer insight on topics, be funny, do something other than be an annoying little twat.

and now... I WASH MY HANDS OF THEE.

Btc, if Max ends up not being able to send ya something right away, I'll send ya something. I'm not sure how busy he's been lately, but we'll see.

That wolverine is amazing.

PS. Zomboid, did everyone post pictures / receive gifts? DID THIS YEAR ACTUALLY WORK?

i PM'd him so we'll see what happens :(

but if you send me something that would be very sweet ;D

Microshock, excellent gifts man... you definitely did more than you needed to this season. Well done!

BTC, Max is currently out of town. He went on a trip to go spread his father's ashes, so give him some time to respond. He already promised me he would send out something to you though and felt really bad about it... he's just had much more pressing things going on lately than an anonymous Internet gift exchange.

Yeah, that's kinda what I thought he was busy with. I didn't wanna press the issue because really, that kind of thing takes priority over everything else.

oh fuck, then he can take as long as he wants. yikes :/

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

You all should be ashamed.

YOU MOST OF ALL

So anywho, are there any people (other than Lumpisan, who was my recipient) left to post pics of their gifts?

if I had participated somebody woulda gotten THIS
http://www.shakefire.com/reviews/tv-...omplete-series
;< ;<

I don't think Missdemonar ever posted any pictures besides one of a package in a garbage can.

THAT REMINDS ME, HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOUR T-SHIRT YET?

This is the worst Christmas ever. It is now more than a month later.

I thought the book would've been good for a laugh. :rolleyes:

Not yet. I'll post when it gets here.

Well, what's happening?

where's my gift again? :(

I ate it.

BIGTIMECOW IS BANNED FOR NOT GETTING A GIFT

Max also didn't post pictures of the stuff that MattJack (I think) sent him. But I've been reading his facebook status updates and he's been busy making them humorous.

is it too late to sign up for this?

well fuck man i want my fucking gift god damnit [/bitchbitchbitchbitchbitchwhinecomplainbitch]

can noob3 come back if he sends bigtimecow a gift :lol

YES HE WASN'T THAT BAD

he is a good dude! I just dont see how it works that your gift giver isn't banned when chuck did the same thing and got banned. Jixby got banned just for not posting pics!

Didn't he post a video shortly after?

SHUTUP HE IS STAYING BANNED

UNLESS HE ACTUALLY GIVES ENOUGH OF A SHIT TO ASK TO BE UNBANNED, WHICH I KIND OF DOUBT WILL HAPPEN

it's understandable because (if i remember correctly) there was some serious family trauma that occurred. although, jixby being banned was retarded