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-   -   Bottled Waters Guaranteed To Aid You In Your Quest To Become A Douchebag (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69699501)

MockBot Apr 11th, 2008 03:28 AM

Bottled Waters Guaranteed To Aid You In Your Quest To Become A Douchebag
Automatically generated comment thread for Bottled Waters Guaranteed To Aid You In Your Quest To Become An Douchebag.

Blank Frank Apr 11th, 2008 05:25 AM

There are acceptable circumstances for bottled water: emergencies (e.g., suffering from dehydration at a concert where they don't have water fountains or bathroom sinks that haven't been pissed in), or if you live somewhere that doesn't have potable water (i.e., your taps run brown and you don't like the full-bodied crunch of sediment when you're drinking).

If you're stupid enough to buy (or lucky enough to be somewhere you can steal) a bottle of bottled water, look for an expiration date on the package.

An expiration date.

On water.

I'm just waiting to hear "Don't drink that, Charlie! That water went bad two months ago!"

executioneer Apr 11th, 2008 06:01 AM

if it stays in the bottle too long it starts leaching stuff out of the plastic :/ glass bottled water should never go bad, but it's probably way more expensive and pretentious

g_tonttu Apr 11th, 2008 06:30 AM

MMM...kinda reminds me of the Bullshit! Episode concerning bottled water;
T'was brilliant.

Ashmodai Apr 11th, 2008 08:18 AM

"It's times like this when one must really question whether or not certain humans should be allowed to live. "

I question that fact every day of my life. Eugenics can't be all bad can it?

Fufuless Apr 11th, 2008 08:56 AM

I love water.

Captain PirateFace Apr 11th, 2008 09:42 AM

fuck water

Kirbykid Apr 11th, 2008 09:46 AM

I had no clue most of this shit even existed! And I was a happier man....

BakaGaijin Apr 11th, 2008 09:55 AM

This "Water Bar" claims to have more than 80 types of water. So, now you can be even more of a douchebag by hanging out with other douchebags and pretending you can taste the subtle differences in the different waters:



It reminds me of that "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" episode when they fill water bottles from a hose out back of a fancy restaurant and tell people it's rare imported water and all the douchebags who drink it fawn all over the taste and color like a fine wine. HA!

Jigby Huggletinks Apr 11th, 2008 10:43 AM

Gorgoroth reference FTW.

Good piece though, I've always thought this stuff.

Aries Apr 11th, 2008 10:44 AM

Penta is easier to drink than normal water.

Yeah, when I try to drink tap water I often end up missing my mouth and spilling it all over myself. It's just so damn hard to drink!

BlackjackTom Apr 11th, 2008 10:56 AM

Koalas aren't bears.

Icculus Apr 11th, 2008 11:20 AM

I like to drink hose water. That might explain a lot of thing about me looking back now.

Colonel Flagg Apr 11th, 2008 12:45 PM

I couldn't believe it, so I had to check for myself. There it was, on the "Penta Water" website:

"Our strongly held conviction is that Penta Water helps its drinkers be and stay active, alert and healthy. The additional studies now completed corroborate that the reason Penta Water works to support overall wellness is because Penta Water enhances or increases antioxidant activity at a cellular level."

What they neglected to mention was that NONE OF THIS IS PROVEN. Thus, they can say whatever they want.

Drink Penta. Because, we think you'll believe anything.

nirvana_infinity Apr 11th, 2008 01:25 PM

Ok... Did anyone else read "Tŷ Nant Water" as "Taint Water?"

Angryhydralisk Apr 11th, 2008 02:30 PM

Hilarious article!

On the bright side, most of this probably "tastes" better than Aquafina, which tastes like it had been filtered through an old 1957 Mustang with it's metallic taste.

Tayeloquin Apr 11th, 2008 03:14 PM

Ok... Did anyone else read "Tŷ Nant Water" as "Taint Water?"

I was about to ask the same question.

I don't fee so icky now...

Roggs Apr 11th, 2008 03:36 PM

Thanks be, my life search for a good sippin' water has come to its end.

Thank you, -RoG-, for putting up this excellent informative article.

stonewar Apr 11th, 2008 03:59 PM

I saw Voss at a gas station/liquor store in Missouri it was 75 cents a bottle. I was tempted to buy just for the novelty of the bottle. But it was late November and I had stoped for hot chocolate to warm me up and chilled water did not look good at all to me

ginmortal Apr 11th, 2008 04:54 PM

Yep, on bullshit they served water from a hose with the label reading "Agua de Culo" and the people actually said something along the lines of it being more refreshing... Yeah... Culo means ASS!!!

hey -Rog- will drinking "evian" make me a douche?

Ant10708 Apr 11th, 2008 05:14 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfPAjUvvnIc Here's the penn and teller episode on the same subject if your interested,

Nick Apr 11th, 2008 08:16 PM

I drink straight from the tap. Hardcore, yo!

Marthaeus Autolykos Apr 11th, 2008 08:25 PM

What's funny is that a lot of these "spring" bottled waters loosely define "spring" as "run of the mill municipal" water. One of the big brands around here is Kentwood, and people have actually told me they won't drink it, because that's where Brittney Spears is from, which suggests that there must be something wrong with that water...

Dungeonbrownies Apr 11th, 2008 09:42 PM

so true so true, another great piece, but honestly, i drink massed purified water, the place I get it from is ironically also a dry cleaners... but ii really hate the taste of tap.

greenimp Apr 12th, 2008 02:04 AM

i ususally drink tap water, here in canberra it contains fluride so it's actually good for you're teeth, hmm, theres money in that. "drink platypus brand water, promotes healty teeth!"

"if you want to proclaim "Fuck poor people!" with every sip of water you drink, then this is definitely the product for you!" finally! water i can realate to! (jk)

Riot.EXE Apr 12th, 2008 03:13 AM

ever see the water from the TapOut company? it's supposed to be hardcore because it's in a flask-shaped glass bottle.

Kitsunexus Apr 12th, 2008 05:05 AM

"pope a cube into my mouth"

Catholic Q-Bert yaoi fanfiction.

Copper Apr 12th, 2008 05:09 AM

I'll admit it, I drink bottled water, but only when I'm exercising...and even then, it's the stuff we pick up at Sam's Club that's, like, 10 bucks for 30 bottles. Just easier than using a glass when you're hopping around *chuckles* But yes, I've always disliked the notion of bottled water, and wondered how it could "expire." (Thanks for that, executioneer). The Ta-nat bottle does look neat, though. And I also have to say something about the Penta water...

"- Penta helps houseplants grow."

No shit, Dick Tracy! It's f'ing WATER!

What about Joe Water, or Water Joe...something like that. It was supposed to be *caffinated* water. I had friends that made tea with it. So, caffinated water + caffinated tea = buzzbuzzbuzz.

comhcinc Apr 12th, 2008 12:53 PM

huh left outevian

BeatlesLover Apr 12th, 2008 02:39 PM

Where's Evian on your list? It doesn't even taste good!

paulunga Apr 12th, 2008 04:04 PM

Evian is too run-of-the-mill for this list. I personally like the taste of Volvic and found a cheap in-house brand water that taste exactly the same. But yeah, when I'm at home I just drink tap water and tea.

BeatlesLover Apr 12th, 2008 08:10 PM

Personally, I like Dasani. Oddly enough, our natural tapwater tastes exactly the same. This raises a few questions, mostly about meriting anything over than 25 cents for a drink. Luckily we have an ingenious solution. Fill up used bottles, refrigerate them, viola. I could sell them as "like new!" bottles on eBay.

Scorpio1976 Apr 12th, 2008 11:09 PM

I'm waiting for the days of "Vintage" bottled water!

KillerMcGee Apr 13th, 2008 02:05 AM

flouride is evil.

autodidact Apr 13th, 2008 03:22 AM

Call me a snob, but I prefer heavy water.

look it up

Dungeonbrownies Apr 13th, 2008 05:27 AM

heavy water, all, the isotopes...
but whenever i travel overseas,
i usually drink "Le Vie" water

Mintrude Apr 13th, 2008 07:18 AM

Le Bleu might be one of the funniest things I've seen in my life.

Cpt. Beardless Apr 13th, 2008 08:54 AM

Whoa, some of those bottles are awesome! I'd buy them without the water if it was possible. Also, I need a Fred just so I can go around thirsty girls offering them some "Fred"(it's awesome because I'M Fred).

I'm more of a tap water person, bottled water just has a bad taste or in most cases, it's carbonated.

Terror Dino Apr 13th, 2008 09:24 AM

What i find funny is that Aveta apperently comes from ireland yet isnt in any shop over here that i've been in. Wouldnt it be cheaper to produce for the home market rather then to ship the water over the water to the states? But then again this world is full crazy shit like that. Well that or really its just some guy (named Bob) filling the bottles from the mains laughing like a mainac. Thanking only fools and horses for this excillent idea.

God Damn Bob!

Jaimas Apr 13th, 2008 11:55 PM

I'm amazed you didn't slam-dunk Deer Park. ;)

panther3k Apr 14th, 2008 12:30 AM

Great piece...

i used to date a guy who drank only fiji water. i kind of always thought he was a douchebag and now your article confirmed it. :D

OxBlood Apr 14th, 2008 06:46 AM

Strange Bottles you have over there...I love water, since it is the best liquid there is, but I dont give too much though about if its from some lake in france or from our own springs...its just water and water is good.

MissEvie Apr 14th, 2008 05:09 PM

I live in Michigan, my water comes piped in from Lake Erie. At home I drink from the tap. I drink bottled water at work because the building is old and the pipes leave black flecks in the water. We buy the bottled water in bulk and store brand from Sam's club.

And yes I was wondering about the "Taint" water too.

Arrrrr Apr 14th, 2008 07:36 PM

You guys forgot Evian -- which is literally "naive" spelled backwards.

0dd1 Apr 15th, 2008 07:52 AM

My sister drinks tthat Fiji Water. Unfortunately, she always gets nearly killed by the bettas she puts in it :-)

El Sammo Apr 16th, 2008 11:40 PM

Deer Park should be called Deer Piss. That's what it is, ya'know. Deer Piss.

Count Mek Apr 18th, 2008 09:35 AM

Woah, I'm drinking good ol' tap water, and it doesn't have a commmenor name like Fred, pfft.
Great article though XD

simogene Apr 22nd, 2008 07:45 PM

Proud to say I drink whatever's cheepest. (Our tap water isn't what I'd call good.)

But I think I shall start naming my water. Like this bottle I'm drinking here, this is now Larry. mmm... Larry, you're refreshing!

Duct Tape Ninja May 28th, 2008 08:06 PM

I put liquor in Fred and started driving, I got pulled over and exclaimed, "It's just water" Cool thing is, I got away with it.

btraz70 Sep 25th, 2008 01:06 PM

I'm gonna start my own water company. It'll be called "just plain old tap" It's for all those people who like the convenience of water in a bottle but aren't stupid enough to act like their getting anything else anyway.

wobzire Sep 25th, 2008 01:10 PM


btraz70 Sep 26th, 2008 08:55 AM

Damm "wobzire", there goes my million dollar idea

Popsicle Dec 10th, 2008 06:27 PM

Don't make fun of fred :(

Popsicle Dec 10th, 2008 06:27 PM

I mean it, hes my bestest friend >:|

makaikishi May 14th, 2009 11:24 PM

If I know someone who only drinks these f'king expensive bottled waters, I'm never going to speak with that person again...

rocko Jun 27th, 2009 09:36 PM

i wont lie, fiji water does taste really good (if you think water has no taste, i beg to differ, taste arizona water). but really, what's the point of forking so much money. just buy yourself a good water filter system. youre already paying a water bill, make ir work for you.

A Bad Enough Dude Jul 13th, 2009 07:00 PM

There was this great Conan O'Brian where we discovered that all bottled waters are actually filled by a single fat man sitting in the back of the studio while laughing maniacally and stuffing his face with potato chips.

Shadowdancer21b Sep 23rd, 2010 03:13 PM

Bling water was invented by brilliant ass-holes.

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