My friend bought a Chuck Norris poster the other day
 

...And I wondered, that's still going around? I decided that there should be an antidote to that fad. You know, something that takes the spirit and puts it to better use than just references to roundhouse kicks. I figured esoteric remarks about someone's brilliance would be the best way to go. I figured the face to go to them should be some superstar intellectual, like Brian Greene or Noam Chomsky. But, I went ahead and made a few "jokes" with my name in them because I can't decide who should have the honor yet.
-----

It's generally known that ELMO would beat Deep Blue in a game of chess, but so far Deep Blue has been too afraid to accept the challenge.

Laplace's Demon gets its stock market advice and weather predictions from ELMO.

ELMO knows how to find the one person in the room who, if that person drinks, everyone is drinking. And he MAKES that person drink.

It didn't really take over 350 years for mathematicians to solve Fermat's Last Theorem. That's merely how long it took for mathematicians to swallow their pride and ask ELMO for the answer.

Uri Geller obviously can't bend spoons with his mind. He merely thinks, "I wish ELMO would read my mind and telekinetically bend this spoon for me." When ELMO needs a laugh, he does so.

ELMO litter trained Schrödinger's Cat after it was already over 80% dead.

ELMO wrote the Oxford English Dictionary and Encyclopaedia Britanica one weekend because he was tired of answering everyone's bullshit questions all the time. Unfortunately, this put him in a bad mood so he left out all the best parts.

ELMO is so skilled at playing the Devil's Advocate that when he acted as an advocate for the Devil, God apologized to Lucifer and took back the eternity in hell thing.

ELMO knows what you did last summer.

ELMO's autobiography is the only work of non-fiction that counts as first-person omniscient narrative.

ELMO can know the position and momentum of any given particle absolutely at the same time. In fact, he already does.

:X

The school of Pythagorus was only secretive because they got their answers from S.

S made Marilyn vos Savant change her name back to Marilyn Mach.

S es hijo no reconocido de Chuck Norris, pero se nota su parentesco al verlo ejecutar la patada giratoria la cual lo hizo mundialmente conocido en el mundo de las artes marciales a Chuck

ALS didn't put Steven Hawking in a wheelchair, S did.

S doesn't teach children, he sexually abuses them.

Guys... http://www.wowwiki.com/Saurfang_facts

When Saurfang was level 10, he joined the queue for Warsong Gulch. When he entered, he was level 72. His first cleave cleaved the battlefield in half, his second killed both Spirit Guides, his third killed everyone else.

No.

S is such a rebel, he doesn't even obey the laws of conservation of mass and energy. you scoff, but how else can you explain the hair

S can calculate the precise position of a particle as well as its momentum at the same time.

S can prognosticate Milhouse's contribution at least thirty hours in advance!

By using the principles of improbability physics (after drinking an especially hot mug of Irish Coffee) S passes through every point in the universe, thus being simultaneously everywhere and nowhere.

With apologies to Douglas Adams (RIP).

when S kicks you in the nuts you say thank you sir

off topic will it blend chuck norris
http://mx.youtube.com/watch?v=NdD54rG9oQA

S doesn't breathe

You're a goddamned idiot :D

I almost hit S with a car, on accident, and he made me stop driving 15 years ago.

S only fucks girls with vagina dentata, because his dick's so hard he can't feel it otherwise

S is so gay that when you google his name in images, gay porn comes up on the first page, apparently.

S

One day S visited the pope Juan Pablo II and they started to discuss philosophical subjects among their conversation the pope asked S which was the meaning of coeteralism? and S answered him. "Thats the thing that comes from my dick" he said, after that revelation the next week the pope started to feel sick then he died, S felt so guilty about it that he decided to call his uncle Benedict Norris, Chuck's older brother to replace the pope.

As an embryo, S read at a 10th grade level.

Man, this thread devolved. :(