Guess what I have to do!
 

Guess what I have to do! Just guess!

I have to be tested for intestinal parasites because I've been having nausea and diarrhea for the past two months!

Guess how they test you for that! Guess!

They need a stool sample!

I have to defecate into an empty ice cream tub that I sterilized at home, and scoop it into three separate jars! Then I have to use a little spoon to mix it into the solution so they can make sure I don't have tapeworm eggs or some other horrible thing in it! Then I have to seal each jar, put them into little baggies, and bring them to the hospital to be tested!

DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?! DON'T YOU WISH YOU THAT YOU COULD BE SCOOPING YOUR OWN SHIT WITH LITTLE PLASTIC SPOONS AND SAVING IT?! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!

I'm sitting here waiting for the stool to form. I'm going to wait until I can't hold it any longer, and then I'm going to go and do it. I hope I can do this and get it over with, I have a feeling its going to be hard to shit into anything other than a toilet, just psychologically speaking.

Aaargh.

What are you gonna name the triplets?

I hadn't thought of that. I guess I'll name the main sample jar "Big Brownie", and I'll name one of the smaller vials "Formie" (after the Formalin solution that it contains and which I am supposed to mix my poo with according to the label), and I'll name the other vial "Zanpava" because it says Zn-PVA on it.

Your gonna puke when you stir it up. I know I would.

I really hope I don't. I've done enough vomiting over the past few months. I'm just going to grit my teeth and get it over with as quickly and as cleanly as possible. After I take the sample, I'll dump whatever is left over into the toilet, triple bag the empty tub, and take it out to the garbage. Its good thing that pick-up is tomorrow.

Oh, and I have to label it too. I have to put in the date and the time. I don't know why they'd want the time of day with it too. Isn't the date enough for their purposes?

"It is recommended that follow-up stool samples be examined at one month and three months after treatment has been completed. Treatment can be considered successful if no eggs are present in several stool samples. It should be noted that the tapeworm medications do not kill the tapeworm eggs when they kill the adult worm, so the potential for infection with eggs still exists as the dead worm segments are passed."

If you do have a tape worm, get comfy with this routine.

Rarw!

They don't think its likely and they just want to rule it out, but...:x

Man, that really sucks. At least you can have the experience under your belt.

Indeed. Figuratively and literally.

Please tell me it's a chocolate flavored ice cream tub. That'd make it all the better.

After having read this thread, Guess what I have to do!

I spit coffee back into my cup on that one.

Alas, its Breyer's Natural Vanilla. :yum

i once did a shit in someones garden whilst working there cos she wouldnt let us use the toilet.

Wow. You really are a bastard. :x

Not really.
She was the bastard on that occasion.
I mean, you dont ask someone to work for you in the middle of nowhere, then deny them the use of the only toilet for miles.
nature will take its course, but not in my pants.

Well I hope you at least had the courtesy to bury it.

Nope.
There was a large conifer growing in the middle of a huge lawn, i took a shit behind it on the grass.
She must have known i 'went' cos when i asked for the toilet i was nearly doing it already.
I spent the rest of the day walking around normally without that 'need a shit' look on my face.
she must have known.

So how long are you gonna hold this turd in? Doo it already!

Whenever they want to rule something out it means they have no idea what is wrong with you. It's probably not a parasite and you just have a stomach bug.

Well, I crapped into the container at 4:00 PM EST. I stood up and looked down at it, and decided that there was enough in there for my purposes, so I did the rest into the toilet. I am oddly proud that I was able to scoop it into the containers and mix it into the solutions without gagging, and without getting any on my hands or on the outsides of vials, which I then carefully labeled after screwing shut and washing my hands throughly. The remainder went into the main specimen jar, which was also carefully labeled by me after I screwed it shut and washed my hands again, even though none of it got on my hands at all. I double bagged the vials and put them into an opaque plastic bag. I then double-bagged the main specimen jar, put it into the same opaque bag, and stapled the bag shut. I then sealed the plastic spoons into the now empty ice cream container, triple bagged it, washed my hands a third time, and put it outside in the garbage can. I brought the bag to the hospital, where I explained why I was there to lab receptionist. She looked warily at the bag.

"Is that the stool sample in there?"

"Yes."

"Did you fill out the labels?"

"Yep. Followed the instructions on the kit to the letter."

"Oh, good."

She takes the bag and sets it aside. I wait, wondering if she has any more questions. She glances up at me.

"I'm not going to check it. I'll take your word for it."

"Heh heh, okay."

I sat down, waited, had blood drawn, went home, and it was all over and done with. All in all, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. It was just a matter of reminding myself that it came out of me, and that I therefore wasn't going to catch anything from it that I didn't already have. I'm just glad its over with and I hope that I won't have to do it again.

What's amusing is that the kit's instructions had special warnings on it not to drink the solution in the jars. I wasn't fucking planning on it! It also said to try to take the sample from areas of the stool that were slimy, which is puzzling, because shit is generally slimy by its very definition. I guess they meant areas that were especially slimy or something. Oh well, at least its over with now.

How did it smell when you cut into it?

Well, I had the collar of my shirt over my nose, but for some reason it smelled sort of like mothballs. :\

I can never get their tiny legs open far enough.

:lol2

Why did piglet have his head in the toilet?

It's too late now but I was going to tell you to tape yourself doing it because I'm sure Seven Force would have wanted it

You wouldn't have been able to see anything anyway. Just me crouched on the bathroom floor with my butt planted firmly in an large empty ice cream tub, with a look of self-pity on my face.

Self pity is hot!

:wank

seven force would have wanted her to dance in it and then post pictures of her feet.

and be asian while doing it.

Is it bad that I find that mental image more amusing than disturbing?

I KNEW you were full of shit, jeanette!

As bad as that must have been, imagine how it is to be on the other end. I've been manning a desk many a time when some random person comes in off the street with a jar of shit...and they're not all sanitary people or tightly sealed jars, let me tell you.

My favorite was the lady who brought in her kid, still smelling of shit, plopping him down on the counter, and loudly declared, "HE GOTS PINWORM." Then she knocked over the shit-sample (it looked like a sherbet container with handles) and it landed facedown on my keyboard. Thankfully, the lid was on.

Stool samples aren't good news for anyone. Here's hoping you're parasite free.

(Aren't you glad that doctors don't work like the vets and they don't stick a q-tip up your bum to get it out if you can't produce a sample? Heh.)

EEEW! At least I had the courtesy to collect and bag the samples cleanly and properly! You poor bastard.
Thank you. I hope so too.

Update: Well, it turns out that the stool sample and the blood test came back negative. No parasites in my guts. They're scheduling some scans, hopefully they will be able to diagnose what's wrong with me and we won't have to move onto a colonoscopy.

I don't want this thread to end :(

In a way, I was almost hoping it would be a parasite. At least with a parasite we'd know what was wrong and how to get rid of it and I wouldn't be taking Compazine. :\

I want this thread to take bizarre plot turns, assume a romantic aspect that doesn't seem suitable to the normal flow of character development but helps out with the market appeal, and then end with a shocker culmination of various plot points that at once violates our sense of judgment yet teaches us something about being human.

I recall a few years ago when I was being tested for what doctors thought might have been IBS. So I had to deuce in a dixie cup. I would have preferred an ice cream tub as my anus' aim wasn't clutch.

A dixie cup? Gross! Did you have to do it at the hospital instead of at home or something? :x