What can a chicken do that a man can't do?

Eat with his pecker!

rofl

What's blue, 12 inches long and makes women scream?

Cot death.

So a black Canadian hockey player meets the ignorant white guy from South Carolina. The white guy says "Hey Boy. Where're you from?". "Ontario, Canada." said the black man.

White guy "Huh, didn't know they had black Canadians."

Black guy "Sir, I find that extremely offensive!"

White guy "Oh, sorry. African-American Canadian then."

(I got bored on the drive back to Pittsburgh)

Afro-Americanadian

A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says. "The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."

The second archeologist shakes his head. "Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains. "It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"

:lol

Q: how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: some obscure number you've probably never heard of

An Englishman, a French guy and an American are exploring Africa, when they're attacked by cannibals. The cannibal chief says, 'Well, we're gonna eat your flesh and use your skin for canoes. Tough luck, eh? But you can choose the way you are going to die.'

The Englishman goes, 'May I have a revolver?'

When he gets it, he blows his brains out, saying, 'God save the queen!'

The French guy says, 'I vill take ze poizon.'

He gulps it down and says, 'Vive le France!' and dies.

The American says, 'Gimme a fork!'

The chief hands him one, and the guy pokes himself all over his skin with it, and shouts, 'That's what I think of your fucking canoe!'

KNOCK KNOCK

Who is there?

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

SCRITTI POLITTI