The Mystical Elves in my Garage
 

There are elves in my garage. Of this I am certain.

The little bastards seem to be hiding my rake, hammer, and hoe over and over again. I put them there in the morning, and by nightfall they're moved to the other side of the garage. I've even staked it out for an hour, but when I turned by back to get a sandwich, the little fuckers jumped around.

Please, how should I exorcize the demons from my house?

That is a good poem.

what's with you and elves?

Well, the elves are a metaphor for the futility and hopelessness of life.
Either that or I'm slightly more psychotic than my psychiatrist thinks

AKA: I dunno.

All I know is my gardening equipment is moving in mysterious ways.

I have the same problem at work in the drug store. Little elves come and mess up all the plastic bags that I stacked neatly, steal my pens, and hide the garbage bags from me. I set out traps, but I can't seem to get the little bastards.

Have you tried mousetraps baited with custard?

I doubt the abstract concepts of futility and hopelessness are moving your gardening tools around at night. However, I AM an idiot.

The drugstore doesn't sell anything as fancy as custard. I have to settle for Reese's Pieces and Skittles. :\

I wouldn't call that settleing

UPDATE:

I set a snare trap around my tools. What should I do if I catch an elf?

Catch a Gnome as well and answer the age old question of who would win in a fight.

What should you do if you catch a kitty :(

Put it in the cage with the gnome and the elf?

You should build a bomb.

It's been another day, and nothing. The snare trap disappeared overnight. I'm scared.

I'd be careful if I were you. I had a friend who had the same problem with garage elves. He'd set out traps and not only did he not capture them, but they used them against him. He's been missing for three months now...

Third day of my stakeout, and I've caught a cat, two dogs, a raccoon, a skunk, and the neighbor's son.
No elves though.

Listen, this is a bigger threat than you think. You need to use scorched earth tactics. Level your entire neighborhood. No survivors. That's the only way that you'll know for certain that you got them.

bizarro thread backups

THIS THREAD IS BULLSHIT AND YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING RETARDS. STOP THIS SHIT NOW.