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-   -   The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69700563)

MockBot Sep 10th, 2008 02:52 AM

The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie
Automatically generated comment thread for The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie.

Julio Sep 10th, 2008 03:36 AM

Hey Proto, I think that another good survival tip would be expect the bad guy (someone like Jason) to revive. That way you can save all the panting and victorious drama and better start running the hell away from the murder scene.

executioneer Sep 10th, 2008 03:48 AM

that's sort of similar to #18, though

greenimp Sep 10th, 2008 04:12 AM

heheh, nice one

GreyWeirdo Sep 10th, 2008 04:17 AM

One point on being in the military. You have to be the only one who is in the military. If you're part of a troop, you'll all get wiped out.

Outcome Sep 10th, 2008 04:55 AM

Thanks Proto, but now we all know what to expect. So now we'll be the overly cautious ones who know all the rules, and are thus guaranteed to be killed in such a way as to surprise the viewer as well as our selves.

Poxpower Sep 10th, 2008 05:33 AM

Haha that's awesome. I remember a similar article in a humor magazine here in Quebec, but that was 10 years ago and in french. Had the "never check if you really killed the monster" one.

Question: in the case that one thing you SHOULDN'T do and one thing you SHOULD do mix together, which one wins out?
Like, say I want to take a shower and I get my fat smelly friend to unleash a Taco Bell storm on the toilet while I clean up, what happens?

Nick Sep 10th, 2008 05:40 AM

I spy an Army of Darkness quote.

Purple Man Sep 10th, 2008 05:58 AM

#18 is a rule for living.

Drunken_Lemur408 Sep 10th, 2008 06:47 AM

Rule #27 Never call the police expecting them to believe your ramblings of an indestructible Serial Killer,even if you are the wide eyed rookie on the force.

the Platinum Poppy Sep 10th, 2008 07:24 AM

GreyWeirdo and Drunken Lemur, that was certainly needed additions. Do you think it's all covered now? Or anything more we need to know?

dakotacruz Sep 10th, 2008 08:14 AM

To add to 18. Never check to see if something you just killed is really dead.
I always would yell at the dumbasses on the screen, if you knock something down/"kill" the monster, hit it until it's jelly! Go smashy smashy until there's nothing left to get up! This is the worst! They shoot the monster/killer, and then get right in it's face...why??

Keep shooting, until the click click click, then gun thump it until it's a fine paste!
Then, hell, place the goo in seperate bags/boxes and then drive like fuck to seperate that thing

Julio Sep 10th, 2008 08:30 AM

executioneer: Yeah, the tip I'm suggesting is somewhat related to rule #18, although maybe I forgot to mention that this applies more to those endless sequels in which the heroes should know the history of the bad guy well enough to to at least think about what's going to happen if they remain where they are instead of trying to get nowhere near it now it is temporarily (they always get up) disabled.

McFly Sep 10th, 2008 08:39 AM

If your friend is pulled away by flesh-eating zombies, do not try to save him/her. They are already good as dead. It is always the ones that go back in to save the others that get hit. You may be a heartless bastard for letting your best bud die, but at least you live to tell the tale. Unless you are the only surviving member left in your group, because somehow it gives you better odds.

AllHallowSteve Sep 10th, 2008 09:18 AM

Ha. I think you nailed it.
This site: http://www.dodgethekills.com/ went up last year to promote a book called "How to Survive a Horror Movie." My favorite is "How to Defeat a Killer Doll" just kick the livin' crap out of it.

wobzire Sep 10th, 2008 09:30 AM

I can NOT beleave you forgot one of the most important rules. BE A GIRL IN A WHITE TANK TOP.

the Platinum Poppy Sep 10th, 2008 02:14 PM

McFly, could also be that you think you managed to drag your friend to safety, but when you look at what you're actually holding on to it's not so much your entire friend as just a few bodyparts, while the rest was eaten. But even if one isn't killed in that scenario, it would be nice to avoid... I mean, yuck!

BTW, isn't there some old horror movie where the main character does smoke weed but lives? I think it might be in the very first Friday the 13th... or something equally old...

MrWarranty Sep 10th, 2008 02:15 PM

This was an excellent list. I had fun reading it to my friends. I'll be sure to heed these warnings should I find myself in the darker side of the silver screen.

King Credo Sep 10th, 2008 04:11 PM

Loved the quote in #18. Glad that like half of the people here got that joke.

Gourry Sep 10th, 2008 05:08 PM

I disagree with #26 (watch your back) because you'll turn to look back, and as soon as you turn back forward, the monster is right there in your face. And I hope you better be wearing brown pants.

The Visible Man Sep 10th, 2008 06:08 PM

This one fits pretty well with Gourry's, but...

The killer is always in your vicinity. This may seem like a no brainer (it IS chasing you, after all), but keep in mind that the killer could kill someone in Maine, but by the time you even TALK about it at home in LA... he will be outside your door waiting to kill you in some creative way, garunteed.

Jquick Sep 10th, 2008 08:00 PM

Another one is always keep your clothes on during the movie. Boobs work opposite in a horror environment. Normally=Awesome, Horror=Dead.

Colonel Flagg Sep 10th, 2008 08:57 PM

Right from the top:

"... the camera really doesn't want to show you in the middle of smashing one out."

Hysterical, and they just got better from there. Great work, Proto.

Chuggernaught Sep 10th, 2008 10:54 PM

#22 is extremely sound advice. Also, that doll is freaking creepy!

Terrible-D Sep 11th, 2008 01:25 AM

Rule #1 just made me spit Mt. Dew out of my nose. Specifically the phrase "smashing one out".
And oddly enough, I use the "get an axe" line whenever I've been dumb enough to fall for someone calling out from the bathroom, "you gotta come see the size of this!"

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