Help me decide what candy to give out for Halloween!
 

Last year I thought I was going to be the ultimate Cool Grownup and give out full-size candy bars. I was a little surprised at the kids' "meh" response, because there were Reese's Cups in there. :\

I grew up in a subdivision filled with dentists and cardiologists and that made for a bagful of toothbrushes and cholesterol charts, which made for a really shitty Halloween. Besides, all the kids knew they got that stuff for free at the office and they were just being cheap. Bastards.

There was one lady who would buy entire boxes of fundraiser candy in September, those giant-size bars with the really good buttery caramel in them, and give them out for Halloween, but there was a catch. She'd spend like 100 bucks on candy and dump it in a big tub by her front door with a sign saying TAKE ONLY ONE. Then she'd sit right inside her door and watch, and if a kid took more than one she'd jump out and scare the shit out of them.

I've also had pennies thrown at me by an old man who yelled at me and my friends to BUY our OWN FUCKING CANDY, and although I get pissy at times I'm pretty sure I don't want to go that route.

Here's what I have in my stockpile at the moment:

- 3 bags of 20 multiflavor packs of Jelly Belly jellybeans (nabbed for $2 ea at the factory last week)

- 16-odd rolls of Mentos (from a 20-pack purchased for a project I got bored with).

I don't have a big budget, and now that kids apparently aren't impressed with big candy bars, I'm at a loss. Any ideas?

Spooky themed pencils and erasers kids LOVE that shit. And by "that shit" I mean having an excuse to egg the shit out of your house.

Sorry I said shit so much.

dirty playing cards and airline bottles of booze

Jelly Belly Jellybeans: +2

Mentos without some bottle of soda that can make an IED with said Mentos: -5

I say Starburst or Gushers. BETTER YET: Those new Starburstssss that have the Gusher juice in them.

The kids will fuc*n lub u

Stuff from your neighbors flea market.

I never got the point of the Halloween themed pencils because (at least, back in the day when trick or treat was on Halloween and not some pansy-ass afternoon a week before stuff) by the time you had a chance to use them, Halloween was over.

If I could have afforded it, I would have gotten like 50 boxes of BeanBoozled. But factory store doesn't necessarily mean factory outlet and they were expensive as all hell.

Caramel, or Root Beer Barrels.

Are they fruit or regular mentos?

regular.

Ultrachrist pamphlets telling them why Halloween will send them straight to hell, that's always a winner. Give them a single jolly rancher with it, too. It'll compromise their souls, but at least it will satisfy their candy lust and prevent Satan from filling their hearts with rage

Give them apples and razor blades. Save the parents some work while still hurting the little trolls.

Since a large portion of these candies are still in production, check out these two big lists o' mine...

I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide To The Halloween Candies Of 2007
http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/halloween-candy07

I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide To The Halloween Candies Of 2006
http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/halloween-candy06

HOW DARE YOU NOT LINK DOMO CANDY!

Give children to candy!

GIVE OUT PUNCHES TO THEIR STUPID TRICK OR TREATING FACES >:

Make them earn their candy on the field of honor.

I think rainbow Nerds would be a good addition.

P.S. Powdered milk, powdered milk, powdered milk.

Hand out Tijuana Mamas or Van Holten pickles-in-a-pouch.

My boyfriend is from the town where they make Van Holten pickles. He had a job cleaning out pickle vats. It lasted 1 day. He says there's some nasty stuff in pickle vats.

What the hell kind of kid doesn't like full-sized candy bars

I AGREE WITH SAM'S IDEA, THEY DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING MORE >:

have them fight for entire bags of fun-sized butterfingers

Give out paper bags with eye holes cut into them for those immagrant childeren that don't wear fucking costumes. It's cheap, demeaning, and sends a clear hint.

I like the idea of a deathmatch for candy. But, if you're not out to have the cops called on you for enjoying some cheap entertainment, you could always go for uncooked packages of Top Ramen. Ten cents a piece and a variety of flavors to choose from!

Or you can hold a bag full of snakes to them. Kids love snakes!

Twix. It's a candy and it's a cookie.

you can never go wrong with cholate and don't worry about being cool get like 3-4 huge bags of mini bars and hand like 4-5 out at a time little kids don't even care what they get its more content then quality

Wait, you can have a bunch of empty beer cans, pretend to finish it off, then toss it in their bag and just close the door.
Try to look like Carl from ATHF to get the right impression.