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Kitsa May 23rd, 2011 11:17 AM

A truly creepy individual
 
So one reason I hate having garage sales is that you're just a sitting duck for every bargain-seeker with issues. You're trapped behind your little impromptu checkout and targeted by every evangelist, emotional vampire and psychopath who has access to craigslist or a newspaper.

Some years are heavy on the evangelists. Last year someone handed me something that looked like a folded hundred-dollar bill, saying "I hope you make some BIG MONEY today". Then after you unfold the fake bill, there's a tract inside that says YOU ARE A FORNICATOR. I don't know how they pegged me as a fornicator, but my mom got one that said YOU ARE A LIAR.

This year was heavy on the creepies. It may just be that I've been watching too much Dexter, but one man in particular set off the serial killer alarms. He hung around us for what seemed like forever, taking photos of items inside the garage with his cell and giving us several stories as to what he did for a living (painter, welder, farmer). Like, in-depth stories. Then he went through the men's clothes we had for sale and asked who they belonged to. Why was it any of his business? Isn't that a weird and slightly inappropriate thing to ask?

Before I realized how creepy he was, I made what I thought later might be a fatal mistake. He picked up a plaque of St. Cecilia and, thinking of him as a slightly hipsterish and intellectual type, I joked, "She was beheaded in her bathroom. Just some anecdotal history there." Later, I was thinking, shit, now he'll want to behead me in my bathroom.

Minutes after the St. Cecilia joke began to seem like not so much of a good idea, he walked up to my brother's girlfriend with a pair of fishnet hose and asked her how she thought he'd look in them. The look on his face was one of utter seriousness. She stammered that it was a personal choice and she wouldn't judge. He said he wanted to use them for painting. I think she took that to mean that he was going to soak them in paint and blot them on canvas for texture, but the picture I got was of him in a Silence of the Lambs type basement, wearing only the fishnets, dabbing someone's blood on a canvas.

He ended up buying a table, some chairs, the plaque, and some clothes. My brother's girlfriend carried the table to his truck and I carried the chairs. As he lifted the topper window and lowered the gate, we saw that the inside of the truck looked like a rat's nest. He said, "Looks like a psychopath lives in here! Hee-hee-hee-hee!" (that latter part was a bloodcurdling high pitched giggle). Then he began to move stuff around and talk to himself. But the best was yet to come.

He came up with a random chunk of welded aluminum and said, "Ah, here it is" like he'd been looking for that all along. That was when I became seriously alarmed. I thought he was going to clock one of us over the head with it, stuff us in the back of his truck and be on his way. Then he insisted that each one of us HOLD THE CHUNK OF METAL. We were at a loss. We each picked it up and said "Uh, ok, that's pretty cool, uh, so here you go" and handed it back. He seemed to be watching us for a reaction. I thought that if this were a movie, he would get off on making girls handle the chunk of metal before he killed them with it. :shocked

He finally left, but I remain weirded out to this day. Mr. Kitsa says that he handed us the metal so our fingerprints would be on it. It's a possibility that he's been watching too much Dexter, too. :rolleyes Still.

The guy sort of reminded me half of the Silence of the Lambs guy and half of Otis. Dressed in husky hipster clothing.

Your take?

Tadao May 23rd, 2011 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitsa (Post 722719)
but the picture I got was of him in a Silence of the Lambs type basement, wearing only the fishnets, dabbing someone's blood on a canvas.

HAH! That's kind of the image I got to. Only he's wearing them and painting himself in a mirror with regular paint.

Now I want to set up a hidden camera crew and go to garage sales doing this exact same thing. :(

I'd be a little worried myself. Next time you will be ready with better answers like "My husbands been working out and he doesn't fit in those clothes anymore."

MLE May 23rd, 2011 11:44 AM

I like how you opted to put this in Loveline.

Kitsa May 23rd, 2011 02:27 PM

seemed too interpersonal for gb

Colonel Flagg May 23rd, 2011 02:58 PM

I've said it before, and I'll probably have the opportunity to say it again. You could write a great book of short stories about your experiences. Call it "Kitsa's World".

EDIT: with the subtitle "you can't make shit like this up"

Zuggernaut May 23rd, 2011 03:22 PM

the answer is everybody on imockery, right? but especially that tadao tomomatsu or whatevr

10,000 Volt Ghost May 23rd, 2011 03:50 PM

I bet the zugger nauts got your fingerprints now Kitsa :(

Pentegarn May 23rd, 2011 03:52 PM

Could be there will be a prank show on starring this guy messing with people by acting creepy and catching their reaction on hidden camera

Doubt it though, he's probably just fucked up

Colonel Flagg May 23rd, 2011 04:01 PM

No, he would have immediately asked her to sign a release form.

This dude doesn't sound like Buffalo Bob but he might be trying for a walk-on role on Law and Order: SVU.

Paging Detective Benson.

10,000 Volt Ghost May 23rd, 2011 05:06 PM

There was this one band whose singer looked and acted like Buffalo Bob(the creepy I would...) part of the film anyway. They opened for this other band that I can only describe as the girl who plays a table accordian after taking a bunch of heroin.

Pentegarn May 23rd, 2011 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Colonel Flagg (Post 722754)
No, he would have immediately asked her to sign a release form.

This dude doesn't sound like Buffalo Bob but he might be trying for a walk-on role on Law and Order: SVU.

Paging Detective Benson.


mew barios May 23rd, 2011 08:48 PM

i would've said it was probably some lonely addlebrained weirdo who was just looking for a captive audience because he no longer has the capacity for normal social interaction. until he handed you that piece of metal that's creepy.

Zhukov May 27th, 2011 12:49 AM

Yeah, I would tend to agree with Mew.

I stopped at a garage sale on my way to a friend's place a few days ago, it was all used car parts so I walked up to the desk, and then just walked right off again. The guy manning it shouted "Where are you going?! You didn't even look!" and I shouted back as I jogged off "I have to go!" and as I disappeared around the corner I heard "Just a quick look!..." Uh, not really in your league though Kitsa.

Kitsa May 27th, 2011 08:52 AM

Sounds like he was desperate for customers.

We always get a lot of people drive by with their necks twisted round so they can take in the offerings, and then speed on. That happens several times an hour here. It's minorly insulting thinking that they don't consider my wares significant enough to actually stop the car and get out, but then I remember that I didn't have to deal with them and everything is okay again.

The ones who really piss me off are the people, usually men in their fifties and sixties, who want to get a treasure dirt-cheap from an unsuspecting yokel and then turn around and sell it for a fortune at the flea market or on ebay. I hate them so much.

When I was younger, I opted to rent out a flea market booth instead of having a yard sale at my own home. My parents had a pickup truck and helped me haul the goods to the site. We were there when the area opened to sellers at 5 am. As we pulled into our parking spot, BEFORE THE TRUCK WAS EVEN PARKED, men were jumping into the truck bed and rummaging through the boxes. I was so enraged that if I'd had a baseball bat or machete on me, there wouldn't have been one left standing. I mean, they didn't even wait for the truck to stop! Fucking scavengers!

It went on like that all day. Men would walk swiftly by and barely pause to address me with this unvarying statement:

"Any old fishing tackle, coins, old watches, model trains, war memorabilia?"

I'd tell them no and they wouldn't even acknowledge it, just move on to the next one. A couple minutes later, another one would speedwalk by.

"Any old fishing tackle, coins, old watches, model trains, war memorabilia?"

It wasn't long until I could spot them a mile away and know what they were going to say before they had even removed the cigarettes from their mouths. I seriously considered planting a sign that said NO OLD FISHING TACKLE, COINS, OLD WATCHES, MODEL TRAINS OR WAR MEMORABILIA. Then I considered planting another sign that said WE HAVE OLD FISHING TACKLE, COINS, OLD WATCHES, MODEL TRAINS AND WAR MEMORABILIA and lying in ambush, doing the world a service.

Almost fifteen years hence, the fishing tackle-coins-old watches-model trains-war memorabilia chestnut is still rolling. I say no. Then they want tools, guitars and amps. This year I fucked with them and said I had sold my husband's Gibson...Hummingbird, I think it was called? Some bird name, for $5, to a nice man about 10 minutes prior. They gaped and sped off, thinking dark thoughts about some rival asshole who got to the moron before they did.

I do enjoy that.

Zhukov May 27th, 2011 10:48 AM

Ha, I would tell them that you think there are some old war medals at the bottom of that pile of junk over there, and then watch them spend half an hour sorting through old knitting patterns looking for stuff that doesn't exist.

We've got a pretty good market down here, and I'm actually surprised at how often good stuff pops up. You would think after all these years all the collectibles would be taken.

Kitsa May 27th, 2011 12:04 PM

Well, the laziness of the request makes me angry. They're not even willing to put forth the effort to dig through the piles for riches...they want the idiot to innocently point out the priceless items for them, accept a paltry sum and grin stupidly as they drive away. I am personally offended by this.

I like your knitting patterns idea, but I would replace the knitting patterns with scorpions.

Colonel Flagg May 27th, 2011 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitsa (Post 723231)
This year I fucked with them and said I had sold my husband's Gibson...Hummingbird, I think it was called? Some bird name, for $5, to a nice man about 10 minutes prior. They gaped and sped off, thinking dark thoughts about some rival asshole who got to the moron before they did.

:lol

kahljorn May 27th, 2011 02:52 PM

damn this makes me want to setup garage sales and flea market booths just to annoy people

Kitsa May 27th, 2011 05:53 PM

You have to sort of be in battle mode, and to accept that the majority of the people who are worth messing with will show up long before your published start time anyhow.

There is one notable exception, and that's the asshole who comes along at the end of the day and offers to cart all of your goods away for free. He's usually skeevy and sly-looking, and he's usually driving a pickup truck. He's just looking to pick up stuff for flea market booths, and is willing to take a chance that you have some good stuff (or, at the very least, some recyclable metals) in your possession. He'll make it sound like he's doing you a huge favor by taking everything you have.

One time, I was cleaning up after a sale. I was alone in my garage and a hell of a lot more naive than I am now. I had my back to the street and didn't even hear him come in. He walked up RIGHT BEHIND ME and said that he'd take all my stuff off my hands for free. It happened that swindling me out of my goods was the most criminal intention he had, but it still scared the bejesus out of me. I won't make that mistake again.

I also had a woman argue with me over a hand-cast porcelain soup tureen, because she felt she could "just go to Goodwill and get one cheaper". I told her to hurry up because they closed at 5. I thought she was going to smash the tureen on the ground in front of me.

Zhukov May 28th, 2011 01:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kahljorn (Post 723251)
damn this makes me want to setup garage sales and flea market booths just to annoy people

I was thinking the same thing. Actually I've been dreaming of running a Black Books stylee shop ever since I got my first retail job about a decade ago.

LordSappington May 28th, 2011 05:05 AM

Not really related to garage sales, but Jesus, one of the guys I work with is a total creep. He's tall and lanky, with some 24/7 unsettling five o-clock shadow. Not particularly good looking, not interesting, never in a happy mood, and desperate as hell. He asks out just about every girl at the store, and gets turned down. Maybe it's because he talks about how much pot he smoked at his old job and how we should have an anarchist society.
So last week, he told me he was going to ask out a girl who just started working here; she's this tiny girl about my age, and we've worked maybe three shifts with her. I told him that was a fucking dumb idea, because they had nothing in common, he's asking for trouble going out with a girl he works with, and I'm pretty sure that's an engagement ring she has on.
Lo and behold, he asks her out anyways, and she tells him she is, in fact, engaged. He immediately goes into full drama queen mode; talking about how depressed he is, and drinking vodka in a water bottle at work. I finally told him if his life was so bad, then he should just get up and walk away, to wherever he wanted.
I think he took that as me telling him to commit suicide, because now he;s saying he suicidal, too.

executioneer May 28th, 2011 05:31 AM

you should actually encourage him to kill himself

or i guess you could just tell him to start posting here instead and we can work our pram carlson homeless life-ending magic on him

10,000 Volt Ghost May 28th, 2011 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LordSappington (Post 723313)
Not really related to garage sales, but Jesus, one of the guys I work with is a total creep. He's tall and lanky, with some 24/7 unsettling five o-clock shadow. Not particularly good looking, not interesting, never in a happy mood, and desperate as hell. He asks out just about every girl at the store, and gets turned down. Maybe it's because he talks about how much pot he smoked at his old job and how we should have an anarchist society.
So last week, he told me he was going to ask out a girl who just started working here; she's this tiny girl about my age, and we've worked maybe three shifts with her. I told him that was a fucking dumb idea, because they had nothing in common, he's asking for trouble going out with a girl he works with, and I'm pretty sure that's an engagement ring she has on.
Lo and behold, he asks her out anyways, and she tells him she is, in fact, engaged. He immediately goes into full drama queen mode; talking about how depressed he is, and drinking vodka in a water bottle at work. I finally told him if his life was so bad, then he should just get up and walk away, to wherever he wanted.
I think he took that as me telling him to commit suicide, because now he;s saying he suicidal, too.

My one friend was like this too. He would get all mopey, drunk, talk about how amazing Peter Gabriel is and how much he hates Phil Collins and then ask our co-workers out. He asked this one girl out. She declined but she felt bad for him. He got all emotional and asked her to apply some eyeliner on him so he could physically express his turmoil but abandoned that idea after one eye.

I couldn't stop laughing at him though because he looked like a droog the rest of the night.

Kitsa May 28th, 2011 05:06 PM

I had a long response in nadsat but then I thought better of it. I appreciated the reference.

Zhukov May 28th, 2011 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 10,000 Volt Ghost (Post 723322)
My one friend was like this too. He would get all mopey, drunk, talk about how amazing Peter Gabriel is and how much he hates Phil Collins and then ask our co-workers out. He asked this one girl out. She declined but she felt bad for him. He got all emotional and asked her to apply some eyeliner on him so he could physically express his turmoil but abandoned that idea after one eye.

I couldn't stop laughing at him though because he looked like a droog the rest of the night.

:lol


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