[The One and Only...]

ONE AND ONLY...: can i have
ONE AND ONLY...: a hug
MLE: No
ONE AND ONLY...: alright :-(
MLE: Why would I want to do a thing like that?
ONE AND ONLY...: i'm a hug whore
MLE: You're a stupid whore
ONE AND ONLY...: at least i have a penis
ONE AND ONLY...: that's more than you can say
MLE: Why the he'll would I want that
MLE: Hell
ONE AND ONLY...: because it's just so fun to use it as a beat stick
MLE: I'm sure you get a lot of occasions in which that comes in handy.
ONE AND ONLY...: it's always great when you tell some guy "if your penis is bigger than your head, you have cancer" in the gym shower, and then when he bends down and looks, you smack it into his face.
MLE: That is so dumb I can't think of a reply.
ONE AND ONLY...: it'd be even better if it was so large that it went back around his head and hit him from the front and behind. and you stuck him in a frictionless environment so that it would happen forever.
MLE: I don't think you understood what I meant. I meant that talking to you is so dull and uninteresting that it makes me think of the many ways I can peel tape off of a wall. That tape is fairly interesting in comparison.
ONE AND ONLY...: the only thing i can say about tape is that trying to form a make-shift condom out of it doesn't work very well.
MLE: Comparing everything to sex and penises is the road to success on the internet. And life. Especially life.
ONE AND ONLY...: well you know how i am the alpha-everything. success on the internet is only natural, much like my astonishing masculinity.
ONE AND ONLY...: because they're both inherent, you see.
ONE AND ONLY...: i thought i might have to break that down for your tiny mind.
MLE: I bet you're thrilled about mock wars then. I bet your heteroflexibility will come in handy.
MLE: Uh-huh
ONE AND ONLY...: indeed. i'll bend over backwards and put my foes into a crotch-grabbing suplex.
MLE: Quips about the intellectual ability of the other person is the next best thing to sex jokes.
MLE: Amazing tact you have there.
ONE AND ONLY...: everyone fears my stunning, witty retorts and monstrous thigh muscles. there's a reason i'm called "the beast" in Winchester. and no, it's not those dogs, even though they did consent.
MLE: Amazing.
ONE AND ONLY...: if the average man attempted to masturbate as quickly as i can, his penis would light on fire and he would go brain dead from loss of blood. this in and of itself is evidence of my superiority.
ONE AND ONLY...: well, i must go, for i have much faggotry to commence in before my fencing competition tomorrow. rest assured, men will lie defeated. and possibly penetrated. deeply.
ONE AND ONLY...: pun intended.

This is my game face.