[Emu]

He dropped to his knees in the parking lot beside the store, firmly grasping his chest, and panting loudly. Slowly collecting himself, he weakly rose to his feet and hoofed it to the alley across the street, entering a door with a sign that reads "The Stake".

You and your fucking tenses GOD confusing the hell out of me

I do like this part though because it gives us some indication of Damian's trauma, though I think you should describe his pain more. What's wrong with his chest? Is he just having trouble breathing or is he having a heart attack or did he get shot and you forgot to write it? People need these kinds of details if you want them to write fan fiction

"Hoofed it?" Are we in the Midwest now? Thesauruses can be your worst enemy remember that ok


Describe the alley he enters in more detail. What's the street like? Are there people around to see him having his coniption? What's the alley like? Is it littered with shit? Full of dead cats? What? Also, "The Stake?" Real subtle. Real gay. Change the name.

The Stake is an underground "blood bar", where vampires can feast on willing human "fangirls and boys", as well as get a stiff drink.

Okay, there are a few things wrong here. I don't think a bar in the basement of some alley building technically counts as "underground." You would think a bar of debauchery and sin would be a little harder to gain access to. Does this bar regularly get raided by fr4t b0iz looking for a good place to pick up hott chix? Probably not, or else the vampyrs would all murder them, right? Sure. I think at the very least the place would have a butch door guard.

You lose a letter grade for using the word "fangirls/boys." This is C- material at best mister, you're on thin ice! If you want to pass my Condescending English 110 class you're going to have to bone up!

The air is pungent of blood, and sweat, at least to Damian, who has a keen sense of smell, as is usual for a vampire his age. The vampires in the tables around the bar are talking up a storm with their seemingly adolescent hopefuls.

The air can't be "pungent of" something. The air is just pungent. You could say "the pungent room smelled of" or "the room smelled pungently of" but not what you had.

Also: Keen sense of smell, usual for his age. Aren't all the people here vampyrs around his age? They all have the same sense of smell. Maybe I'm being nit-picky but that's kind of an unnecessary detail.

"In the tables" should be "at the tables." You don't sit in a table. You sit in a booth. You sit at a table. I'm restaraunt savvy, so I know these things. If you want to make it in the vampyr business and meet Anne Rice, you'd better learn these "tricks of the trade."

He slumps into a stool, and orders up a shot of Jagermeister. A great many thoughts are racing through his mind.

Fucking switching fucking tenses again

"Orders up" sounds like some kind of Southerner talk. He's supposed to be British or something, isn't he? Just say "orders." Also, establish the presence of the bartender.