[Emu]

"It hurts you, doesnt it?" The intruder hissed. Looking over at the body, he smirked. "Actually, it probably hurt her more. I told you to stay out of my affairs, Mr. Warrington, you revealed my business, and now Ive reached my wits-end."

"Doesnt" should be "Doesn't." "The" should not be capitalized.

Fuck, I'm just going to re-write this.

  "It hurts you, doesn't it?" the intruder hissed. He looked over at Akiko's body and smirked. "Actually, it probably hurt her more." The man looked back at Damian, his eyes gleaming with contempt. "I told you to stay out of my affairs, Mr. Warrington. You revealed my business,[whatever that means] and now I've reached my wits' end."

"You ruin human lives!" Damian retorted, with eyes ready to tear up.

This might shock you since you're apprently a goth of some sort, but "tear up" is not a verb. It looked to me like his eyes were about to rip themselves apart. Try to avoid ambiguous situations like that in the future ok

From off a plaque on the wall, He rips a particularly large sword with the word BANESTRYKE etched in the blade.

So, Geoff just lets him move over to the wall and grab the sword? Is he fucking retarded? Also, "he" shouldn't be capitalized. "Particularly large" sounds retarded.

For the future, big swords went out with FF7. It's gay. You want to be really original? Make him use a magic club. That'd be sweet.

BANESTRYKE

With tears flowing from his eyes, he screamed "GEOFF! SHOW ME WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER YOU REALLY ARE!"

NO. DON'T USE ALL CAPS. EVER. EVER. D-

He charged at Geoff with the extremely large sword. Damian slashed it with great force considering his bodily proportions.

This story is getting awfully Freudian. When you write sword, are you sure you don't mean "phallus?"

I find it highly unlikely that Damian could swing anything, much less a giant [s]cock[/s]sword with a fucking bowie knife sticking out of his back, having gone untended for however long it's been there.

Geoff stood there, with a large dagger like the one in Damians back, ready to block a potential decapitation. With an abnormal ripping noise, like tearing meat with bare hands, He sliced Geoffs stomach deeply.

So, he plans to block Damian's extremely large sword with a nine-inch long dagger? Not only that, but he blocks his neck, while Damian is pretty obviously going for his stomach? I mean, this extremely large sword is extremely large, after all. It can't be hard to tell where it's going. This villain kind of sucks.

Not so much as a squeal came from Geoff, who still is smirking evily. He put his hand on the wound, pushing in a piece of flesh hanging out of his belly. Suddeny, his image flashed and changed. His figure was now a red skinned, large, limbless, bulbous creature. Saliva reflected in his gaping blue mouth. A hypnotizing glare came from its singular green irised eye. A large, wide-open cut is across from where his cheek would be. He is a Cacodemon: an Interdimensional creature capable of traveling on two sides of the world in an instant.

ok

Damian dropped to the ground, terribly exausted. The creature bellowed a low frequency howl of pain, and warped away in retreat.

So, wait, it's gone? That's gay. I was expecting screaming and powering up and people casting Firaga all over.

After desperately crawling toward Akikos lifeless mound, Damian sunk his fangs in her cold neck with tears in his eyes. Feeling her flesh, he'd found that it was too late

This is kind of a gay place to end it, after that long set-up with the bar and the video store and what-all. You would at least think the gruff bartender would say something to him.

Yeah