I've been feeling really down the past few months. I've noticed that I'm losing interest in things I used to be really enthusiastic about, and I'm starting to distance myself from other people. It seems that all I can think about is how people have treated me like shit in the past, and specific scenes from my life keep playing over and over in my head.
A few examples:
I'm already a pretty shy guy in real life. Both my parents keep nagging me to grow a backbone, be more assertive, that kinda thing. One day, I was out job hunting, and my Dad pretty much wanted to hold my hand the whole way. This was going to be the second job I would have. I was thoroughly embarassed the whole time, and I really didn't want to ask for applications with my Dad standing behind me the whole time. He was really frustrated, and at the end of the day he pretty much cussed at me the whole drive home for not having any balls. When I explained that hey I'm a teenager, it should be obvious that I get embarassed with my parents hovering around me in public, he said it wasn't any excuse and that I should get over it.
I don't remember this, but both my parents have told me that when I was really little (5 or younger), my uncles used to beat me up until I cried in order to "toughen me up".
All of my family, immediate or not, treats me like I haven't hit puberty yet. At family gatherings, all the people a generation above me are asking me why I'm not doing the same thing that the kids 5+ years younger than me are doing (Why aren't you swimming? Did you forget your swimsuit? Why aren't you playing video games? I thought you liked those!) And they still seat me at the kids table. And I'm 20.
I have a brother 2 years younger than me. We get into stupid petty arguemts and fights all the time, but he usually wins them because he's 2 inches taller and 60 pounds heavier. It has just really pissed me off lately.
I won this major
major award in high school for music. Basically our school district has auditions between the 4 or 5 high school bands, and picks out the best players among them to form an honor band. I came in first for my instrument 2 years straight, and was basically given their largest award for that. It basically meant that out of all bands in our district (about 400+ people in all), they thought I was the best. Immediately, when they called my name in front of the audience before intermission, I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I thought "There are so many other people who are better than me...why me? I really don't deserve this." Then I imagined the whole ensemble shooting daggers at me. They probably weren't, but I know that the trumpet player behind me constantly told me that I suck during the practices, which probably had something to do with it. On the way home, my Mom told me that she couldn't believe that I won, and that when they announced the runner-ups first and didn't hear my name, she thought I didn't win anything and was momentarily disappointed.
My maternal grandpa thinks I'm an utter failure because I didn't get into USC like he and his father did. I don't know what he thinks about my Mom, then.
I'm really afraid of getting what I want for fear of getting other people angry at me, so I end up being lonely, frustrated, and just really shy around others. Then I basically call myself names and beat myself up over really small mistakes I've made. Then I have this idiotic argument about pity and why I'm like this. I don't enjoy having people pity me. It just feels greedy and self-centered. But I know that saying that I don't want any pity because it's greedy and for self-gratification is just evoking more of it. So I just keep it to myself and pretend everything is ok.
So, this is just barely scratching the surface, and it's the my emotions been building up over many years. I don't know when or where or even if I'm going to have a public outburst. There are just too many times where I just want to shout "ALL OF YOU CAN JUST FUCK OFF" at some gathering and drive off to who knows where. I do know, however, that bottling these emotions just make it worse, and I've noticed that it's starting to affect my health lately.
It's really hard to articulate how and why I'm feeling like this, but hey it's the best I can do.
Fuck
EDIT: Oh and just for the record I fucking hate emos. I can't stand them or their black mascara tears running down their face into their Hot Topic piercings.