[Sethomas]

Wow. Guys, that was scary.

A few months ago my former internet provider sold their hold on this region to Comcast. Comcast continued to provide me with the internet service I've grown to love, but every time I've tried to pay them they've refused to take my money.

I guess I figured it was out of a generosity welling from the depths of their kind hearts. I'd keep trying to pay them, but no! They would not take the bank draft data I had provided them and actually use it.

Eventually I began to notice statements that would include reminders of how much I SHOULD be paying them, replete with indications of the late fees that WOULD be incurred to this point, but since this was always on the same page as which stated that they had my financial information on file along with my preference for automatic withdrawal, I knew they were just teasing me.

I'd even call them just to say hello out of appreciation for their goodwill in giving me internet service, and I'd express my desire to reward them accordingly, but they always managed to employ what those in the humanities call "Socratic Irony". They craftily expressed a point, presumably that they love me, by feigning a lack of knowledge or understanding.

Well, today they shut off my internet and by extreme measures I was able to get it back on without paying their minion another $40 to drive the two blocks from their office to my house.

I'm really not that good at the whole spiteful retort thing, but the image I have in mind that should be expressed in some pithy way is this: they should perform felatio on a hog, but do it in an amateur way such that the swine's coiled phallus ends up ejaculating into their trachea. The image of them (because a nebulous corporation such as Comcast can be personified as a small number of responsible individuals in my mind) drowning to death in pork semen isn't particularly apt, and not really all that good as these things go, but it suits me fine.