[Emu]

I'm kind of upset that this thread died because it's ace and I'm really bored ok

Originally Posted by Super Machine Neo

The full image of her face froze in his mind, and a small pain in his head made him wince. After opening his eyes, the woman appeared in an elegant black dress, and her hair up in a bun. On her side and neck were large bloody gashes. He stared in horror for a moment, as his heart pounded.

Okay this part is kind of gay? I had to read it like 4 times to understand what the hell just happened. It seemed like Damian somehow used his vympyr magyck to turn her into a vampyress or something. You say she 'appeared' as if she just popped into existence that way. That's what confused me, I think. You should establish that he's having a vision since this isn't a 'Nam flashback where suddenly charlie is hiding behind every copy of "Misery." Fucking stream of conciousness bullshit why i oughtta

He shut his eyes and opened them again.

That's boring. This man just saw the ghost of his dead wife thing. You would think he would be a little more stunned.

"Damian reflexively took several steps backward and shook his head violently, trying to dislodge the image from his mind. When his eyes opened again, the Hollywood Video [or w/e] stood before him."

See? That adds action, and sets Damian's mood. It's much less gay that way.

She looked normal again, only looking at him a bit irritated.

Even not taking into account my editing, I think being irritated probably wouldn't be an appopriate response for this person. The way you describe her it seems like she's one of those unrealistic bitches people throw into stories to create sympathy for the [s]Mary Sue[/s] main character. Is there no strike out command on this forum I don't remember? Somebody get BAPE on that for me thanks

I would say it would probably be better to make her respond with some kind of detatched concern. Like, she doesn't really care if he's sick but she doesn't want him puking on his floor because she'll have to clean it up, right? You might even actually be able to work the bitch part into this

   Nondescript Asian Woman looks up at Damian as he staggers back. "What's the matter with you?" she says, irritated at  Damian's odd behavior.
   Damian drops the video tape on the ground and gives her one last, uncomfortable look before quickly walking towards the door.

Also you keep fucking up your tenses but you know that

He dropped the tape and quickly walked out of the building. The clerk jumped out of his chair as Damian sped across him.

There could be more here, I think. You could add more reaction from the Clerk, and put us in Damian's state of mind.

   The clerk looks up from his Rolling Stone [or w/e] to see Damian moving for the door. He stands and shouts something at Damian, but he hears none of it, enveloped in his own thoughts.