Jan 9th, 2008, 03:47 AM
Were I not lazy, I would have a mission in life now. That mission would be to get hired at Marvel. Once there, I would bide my time, working my way up the ladder. And the very day that Quesada got kicked out on his ass, I would lock myself in the printing rooms and print out the issue of Spider-Man that I'd have prepared for the occasion.
That issue would open in Hell, presenting Mephisto upon his throne of skulls ala Spawn, a bowl of pretzels on one arm of the throne as he munched away. The second panel would show Mephisto clutching his chest with an "Urk!", before he keels over in the third panel.
Page two would show Peter and Aunt May in their living room, with May knitting or doing something suitably old while Peter plays with a ball. Next page, first panel, a sniper pops up from behind a couch like toast from a toaster, shoots May square in the gut. Peter looks up, alarmed, has some internal dialogue about his spider-sense going berzerk before noticing that his aunt just got owned. Next panel has Peter leap to his feet, calling May's name, before the last panel switches the view to directly in front of Peter, so that the reader can see that the house has burst into flames behind him.
Page four opens with the spikes shooting out of Peter's forearms with the classical 'snikt!', immediately before Mary Jane falls into his arms, literally out of nowhere, holding a pair of wedding bands in her hand.
Page five alters the perspective again, this time to a profile shot of Peter so that the reader can see the window at his side, and through the window a television reporter with her camera crew. The reporter is introduced in mid-monologue, with, "...and wrapping up this week's special report on thirty-year-old men who pathetically live at their elderly relatives' home is the worst of the bunch, Peter ParOH MY GOD, IT'S SPIDER-MAN! PETER PARKER IS SPIDER-MAN!"
Page six flashes back to Harry Osborne, who in a desperate bid to kill Spider-Man for the hundredth time has gone back in time to punch Norman Osborne in the balls as hard as he can, rendering his father infertile just moments before his 'date' with Gwen Stacy. His mission complete, Harry gets to smile and say, "I finally got you, Spider-Man. Peter would be so happy for me..." before he's hit by a runaway 80s boy band tour van and dies.
Back in the present, page seven's top panel shows an alarmed Mary Jane, looking around at all of the carnage and asking, "Peter... are you all right?" Bottom left panel shows Peter, looking down at May's body which is now in flames. Bottom right panel shows Peter looking out the window at the news crew.
Page eight is a full page-panel of Peter, a sort of hesitant half-smile on his face as he answers, "You know what? I think I am."
Page nine, another full-page, Peter swinging off to the sunset with Mary Jane.
Page ten, top left, presents Mephisto's lifeless face. Top right, same picture, but with a hazy dialogue bubble by it, MJ's quote of "We're not done yet." from her deal with Mephisto. Bottom left, the scene of MJ whispering in Mephisto's ear from One More Day iss. 4. Bottom right, same scene, a close-up on her dialogue bubble to reveal her whisper as, "I'll throw in a bag of pretzels." Fin.