[Phoenix Gamma]

Friend bought my ticket for me, so I didn't mind going to see it.

Holy fuck. I'll give a rundown of the plot because it was really good:

Spoilers!

Just kidding. It was horrible. So basically that jerk Shia is going to college. Then he drops this thing that turns electronic devices into Transformers. They start blowing stuff up and Shia is all BUMBALBEEEEH! and then Bumblebee blows up the house. The parents are upset but LOL the insurance will cover it. Then they all get in the car and take Shia to school. There's a cool fight in the beginning with all the transformers, then Optimus tells this guy who tells a guy who tells the president that The Fallen is coming and that the goverment needs to stop being shitty. Then this jackass in a suit and glasses is all "hey, I'm the jerk who's here to piss everyone off and make things harder for everyone because I never got laid and kids made fun of my glasses in school". After that, the Decipticons come to earth to get the rock thing Shia had at the beginning of the movie. They start chasing him, Fox, and this annoying spanish computer geek around campus. Then Shia's all BUMBALBEEEH and Bumblebee comes and saves him. Is that shout something from the first movie? I never saw it, but every time he shouts Bumblebee's name, he flips over a building and blows shit up. He basically just hides somewhere and waits for that cue, and it happens a few times, so I thought it was some sort of...I don't know. Anyways, the bad guys chase Shia around and Optimus tries to protect him. Then Optimus dies. So they spend most of the movie following Shia as he tries to figure out where this Matrix thing is to stop the Fallen from using a laser that eats the sun. This goes on for at least an hour, with just Shia, Fox, the loser guy, and some other conspiracy dude running around solving mysteries. Then they meet this old fighter jet in a museum and wake him up. He's actually a Decepticon, but he became an Autobot because something something something. So this old transformer tells Shia to find the Matrix of Leadership because that's the key to the laser thing. He tells him a riddle to help guide him, and Shia wonders if he can use the Matrix to bring Optimus back to life. So now they drive around Egypt and you wonder if you'll ever see any more fighting. The army flies over with Optimus' body to wait for Shia, except now Megatron knows where he is. Oh yea, Megatron is back because the bad guys found another rock thing. Anyways, Megatron and the Fallen and some other generic transformers all go after Shia, who found the Matrix but accidentally broke it. The rest of the movie is Shia and friends running across the desert to Optimus, and the Autobots protect him and the army. Lots of explosions for 15, maybe 30 minutes. You'd think they'd focus on the Transformers, but while they fight, the camera focuses on Shia. Then they make it to the army and there's an explosion and Shia dies. Finally. Except the dead Transformers from a long time ago decide he's a good leader and wake him up and repair the Matrix. Shia runs to Optimus and he wakes up, but Megatron kicks everyone's ass and the Fallen steals the Matrix and runs to the laser that's a few miles away. So the old transformer guy give Optimus his power cell so that Optimus can become Super Omega Ultimate Optimus Prime HD Remix. He's got guns and shit. So then Optimus flies to the laser (he can fly now) and kills the Fallen in about 1 minute with little climax or build up. Then he tears off half of Megatron's face, so Megatron and StarScream run away. It cuts back to a carrier and Optimus thanks Shia. Shia thanks him for believing. They look at the horizon and the movie ends.