[Otto]

Because I was an exceedingly stupid child, I once thought at age 7 that it would be a good idea to jump off of one of one of the chairs at my grandmother's kitchen table. Instead of landing on the floor I managed to land face first on one of her stupid nicknacks: a large glass butter churn. I managed to shatter the thing resulting in multiple cuts to my face, neck, and hands, a large puddle of blood all over her expensive carpet (I know it was expensive because my grandmother kept screaming "RON, LOOK WHAT YOUR RETARDED LITTLE BASTARD IS DOING TO MY EXPENSIVE CARPET!"), my grandfather laughing and commenting that I had done my grandmother a favor by destroying "that stupid fucking thing," and had to be rushed to the hospital for fear that I might bleed out.

Another hilarious misadventure from my early childhood was when I grabbed the coiled metal knob on my parent's wood-burning stove after it had burning wood in it all day and managed to sear a red coil into the palm of my hand (Imagine Toht after getting that medallion burned into his hand, only about three years old with a gigantic head and a Super Mario Bros t-shirt). Normally after injuring themselves like that a child would immediately tell their parents, but I was so terrified since every visit to the doctor for me at that age involved blood tests and getting injections that I walked around all day with my right hand clenched into a tight fist until my dad eventually noticed and pried my hand open, saw the burn and dragged me kicking and screaming to the doctor's office.

When I was a baby I managed to fall out of a shopping cart in K-Mart when my parents were looking at something and managed to land on my head and get a concussion. To this day I still have a dent in my head and constant migraines. Also getting a concussion at that age probably explains a lot about my personality.

My other grandmother (the one that didn't refer to me as a "retarded little bastard") used to have a vicious teacup chihuahua. When I was about two years old I tried to eat some of his food out of his dish which ended with me getting mauled by it (seriously I was brutalized by a teacup chihuahua) and having to spend the rest of the day screaming as my grandfather swabbed my bite covered face with Mercurochrome (which makes an open wound burn like a car wreck in Russia) and sedated me with Whiskey (thus beginning my evolution into a functioning alcoholic).



I also managed to set myself on fire multiple times when I was a teenager, but that never really injured me other than causing a couple of scarred places on my leg where hair no longer grows.