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Originally Posted by Kulturkampf
I am continuing the story. I will be sure to post more when it is done.
What criticisms do you hae that I can learn from?
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Try not to write so much. In fact i think the thing that is most hurting your story is the writing. Maybe if you like, idk, stopped it would be better. Oh, oh or you could get somebody else to write it for you. Maybe you have some friends who are capable of putting together a decent story, you should ask them for help.
But seriously don't try so hard. Write from experience to get a grasp on how to create a story. I mean i am sure you tell stories to your friends all them time, write like that first. When you get a grasp of structure you should probably still stop writing.