Got my Secret Santa package from BatmanJohnson today and I have to say, this is definitely going to be the one that all future SS gifts will have to compete against in the future.
It starts out with a large box showing up at my door:
Whatever was inside was so anxious to get out that it had already begun unsealing the tape holding the thing shut.
It was a veritable cornucopia of things. Party poppers, wind-up teeth, and some kind of giant stuff animal. I needed to get a closer look:
After unpacking everything, I discovered that the box was practically filled with candy, and good candy, too. There was so much that I admit, I thought it must be leftovers from Halloween, but so far, I haven't gotten sick. There was a tube of Whoppers that was open already, but I was planning on passing those along to someone else anyway.
Along with all the stuff was three letters. The first was a brief explanation of the package, followed by an apology, for some reason. Rest assured, BatmanJohnson, no one who gives me this much candy needs to apologize. There was also a letter with a giant "Q" on it, and another detailing a "curse" that I'll talk more about later.
Three-year-olds can play with these wind-up teeth no problem, but if you're two then you're just plain fucked. The same goes for the Admiral Ackbar figure, as you would probably just choke to death on his Kindle, or whatever that accessory is supposed to be.
A few comics made it into the mix as well. Rite seems to be about a gun-wielding mummy who encounters trouble at a veterinary clinic, and Alf is about Alf. I thought it was weird that Alf was drawn pretty much as he appeared normally, but everyone else is just a cartoonish rendition. That's the perks of top billing, I suppose.
The last comic was entirely in Japanese. It seems to be about a superhero monkey who uses a giant pole to beat up carnivorous animals in the jungle, which leads me to believe it may be the Japanese version of The Jungle Book. On the right is a map of a corn maze made up of a dozen map sections that you apparently needed to find within the maze. According to the rules, getting all the pieces entitled you to a dollar off a T-shirt, so I appreciate BatmanJohnson sacrificing a less expensive corn maze shirt to ensure I had a merry Christmas.
Any lingering questions I had about Star Trek can be answered with a few quick page flips. The loadout of a Class 1 Dreadnaught? The inner workings of a Universal Translator? The rules of 3D chess? You know I've got that info.
I was not aware that Shari Lewis had a show prior to Lambchop's Playalong. Granted, I hadn't really wondered about it in the first place, but now not only do I have the answer; I have evidence. The Songs of WWII CD should come in handy for whenever I get sick of a half dozen or so songs from that era that play in Fallout: New Vegas.
Best of all, I got a Hello Kitty band-aid, a tag from some Domo Kun merchandise, and the head from an action figure of Guinan, the bartender from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Earlier, I mentioned that BatmanJohnson's note included an apology. I assume this was the reason:
In order to get to all the other stuff, I had to first unpack this creepy ventriloquist's dummy. I think it was supposed to be some kind of starter model because it's stuffed, and you open the mouth by pulling on a loop of rope behind the head. That makes the talking all the creepier, as you just wind up jerking the head back and forth when you try to make the thing talk. The curse letter I mentioned before suggested that the dummy may or may not be cursed. He also mentioned that his roommate helped him pack the gift box, so I will give him the benefit of a doubt and say that his roommate was the one who felt I needed to have this strange, potentially holiday-ruining thing in my house.
Still, tons of candy and other neat stuff to distract from the creepy doll. All in all, nice work BatmanJohnson!