[maggiekarp]

Eh... Maybe I'm just having a hard time visualizing it, but the story didn't really... grab me. I'll keep this bookmarked though, might get some inspiration.

Don't get mad if I proofread it!

[edit]Ah, finally pinned down why it didn't grab me. Try not to be offended, now!

It's trying to hard to be dark and edgy. It's overly goth. You've definitely got talent and skill as a writer, but this subject matter and execution is just... BLEAH. You could probably keep a similar concept and style, but instead of doing the "Oh it's a gruesome murder in the style of a kids' book AREN'T I SO VERY WEEEIRD?" you could go for kids' book with nightmare fuel or deranged undertones.