Quote:
Originally Posted by Pub Lover
How long did you know each other & then were together before you got married? Because you still had emotional hangups from a previous relationship having got married?
Also, if you divorce her, she can get the space she feels she wants, and if you remain in her life then she may decide she wants to continue her relationship with you (after getting back with her ex for a while).
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Honestly, without laughing at me, we knew each other for approximately 5 months before we got married. Quick background on that (before you think I am completely nuts):
I was in the military at the time, and had been away from my previous ex for about a year and a half. When I met my wife, there was something about her that wasn't like all of the other previous aborted relationships I had experienced. I felt comfortable when I first met her, and she was (And still is, might I add) the sweetest, most beautiful person I had ever met. She had this innocence about her, even though she had been through a lot. She did not have an easy childhood, as her father was an alcoholic, her mother still is, she has 4 sisters all from different fathers, and she was generally abused mentally. I felt a connection with her when we started seeing each other seriously. We didn't feel that dating, or engaging (Which we did anyhow) was a necessary step, because we both had that connection. So we decided to get married because we felt that our relationship could make it. Doesn't everyone? =)
I also want to note that *I* came from a long line of successful (So to speak) marriages. My parents have been married for 36 years, my grandparents would still be married had my grandmother not passed 13 years ago, and they were at 43 years when that happened. Hell, my best friend's parents have been married almost 40 years. Divorce wasn't a big family thing, sure, my mom's sisters both got divorces (And one subsequently married 3 times and almost a 4th), but that was it. Everyone else stuck it out and worked through whatever. That is where my philosophy evolved from. Hers? Divorce, men suck. That she even married me was a huge step for her, because she always talked about not doing it and how she abhorred the idea. By no means did either of us enter it lightly, but we had that connection. All the marriages SHE had seen had ended in divorce.
Why am I holding on so tightly? That's the question I keep asking myself. My gut tells me it's because I truly believe that while she is mad about the past, and at the moment isn't feeling too good-willed towards me, she will come around and realize that I do love her and really DO want to make this work, despite all the years of shit we have put each other through. Believe me, I want to be like every other guy out there who just shrugs it off and moves on with their lives, that would make me feel SO much better, you know? But for some fucking reason, I can't. I can't let her go, although of course I know I will eventually have to if that's what the situation warrants.
So as far as your space comment is concerned, I agree 100%. When we finally do separate (where either she moves or I move), I know that is when the healing process will begin for both of us. I told her that when it happens, I will need the time to sort out my feelings and I wouldn't be talking to her for a bit. But to me, I know I'll have it in the corner of my mind to give her a call. That drives me up a wall. The kids, of course, I will still see, they will never be put in the middle of this intentionally, or used as leverage. But as far as she is concerned, it will be "over" for a spell. As far as the ex for her is concerned, she has insisted that nothing is happening with them, that they are just reconnecting as friends, and I have nothing to worry about, so since she h as given me no reason not to trust her, I trust her! Once we are divorced, she can do what she wants.