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Mockery Mockery is offline
Pickled Patriarch
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Join Date: Dec 1969
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Old Dec 17th, 2012, 02:37 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Punk_Hippie View Post
A WILD PACKAGE APPEARS!


& seeing that the only other things I'm waiting for are hair dye or candy canes, I figured this had to be my Secret Santa package! YAY
(either that, or the amount I paid for shipping for the hair dye actually WAS a bargain....)

Someone down there likes me, as I got Rog as my Secret Santa XD
(& I'm not talking about in hell - I'm in Canada, so most of you people live south of me)

I didn't even wait 10 minutes before tearing into this, like a fat kid with a box of turtles. & by fat kid, I mean me. & by box of turtles, I mean box of turtles.


I either got an unpublished novel, or some crazy person's manifesto. Maybe both. But the sweet words are for MY EYES ONLY!

... after reading the letter, I have learned that if I don't comply & show myself using everything in the box, my bank account information will be released to the world (meh), & I will have my forum name changed to 'Paris Hilton's #1 Fan'
DEAR GOD NOOOOOOOO!!!!


After all, what's Christmas without any threats of humiliation?
So, let's get this party started!!!

Domo seems to know how to party (he IS a superior lover after all, according to his button)
I'll be putting these lights up later tonight when my fiance gets home from work. & in a year & a half when we leave this apartment & are living in our awesome campervan, they'll be coming with us
(I'm actually being serious here, they are going to look AWESOME in our van! I'd put them up in there now, but I'm worried about the cold making them brittle. But just look at how awesomely retro this van is! Domo is going to turn it into such a happenin' place!)


Here's an overview of what I have to work with:

A sweet reusable bag with lions on one side & HOLY SHIT DINOSAURS on the other (I actually didn't realize there were dinosaurs on the other side - I'm used to reusable bags having the same picture on both sides :P)
Multi-coloured slime
Domo party lights
& a Mars Attack figure with a computer game

Awesome I Mockery merchandise! Postcards, t-shirt, pixel poster, shiny stickers, & a 'Tickle My Pickle' button (that, because I'm female, I'm reading something disturbing into ;D)

Edibles! Hallowe'en Kit Kat, candy buttons, laffy taffy, eggnog tea, a hatching dinosaur egg, & wacky packages stickers & gum

I'm going to have a fun time trying to play that Mars Attack game - my laptop doesn't even have a freaking CD drive, I have no idea where I'm going to find a floppy drive :P
(& DAT SYSTEM REQUIREMENT! OMG! {Windows 3.1 & 2 megs of ram})

I'll be using that reusable bag everytime I do groceries. Each time, it'll save me 3 cents because of the store I go to. It's the gift that keeps on giving! :D

My fiance grabbed up the 'tickle my pickle' button, because he had a great idea for it.... well, great according to him...

(I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm really not. ENJOY THE VISUALS!!!!)

I also let him have one of the shiny stickers for his shiny Yu-Gi-Oh binder, & I stuck the other one on PhishPoop (my laptop)



Next, I had to get into the foodstuffs. Despite the warning on the side of the package AND the fact that Rog mentioned not swallowing the egg, I figured that meant I should swallow it.
Down the hatch

My new shirt seems to be very appropriate for this situation

It got stuck in my throat, so I guess I'll have to wait a few days until it dissolves. I'll take some more pictures once it hatches & tears it's way out of my throat.

Since I needed something to wash that egg down, I HAD to try this tea (& not just because I was threatened with total humiliation if I didn't).
I have this thing about eggnog flavoured stuff. I'm one of the few people who remembers eggnog flavoured candy canes. You remember me mentioning waiting for candy canes in the mail? Yeah, I spent $16 to buy some stupid gourmet eggnog flavoured candy canes recently. But we're not talking about that, we're talking about this tea

It's delicious! It actually tastes like eggnog & tea (which go together much better than I would have thought). I had high expectations from Bigelow, & once again they didn't let me down :D

I also opened the stickers, but they weren't very tasty

The gum wasn't bad though, but what's with wrapping it in plastic??? It didn't have that wonderful cardboard flavour that I remember from my childhood.


So, expect some more pictures from me once I manage to incubate the dinosaur in my throat long enough for it to hatch. Like most women, I'm willing to sacrifice my body for the good of our species (although unlike most women, I think our species sucks & would love to see it get torn to shreds by dinosaurs)
Thanos - Let us know if you receive more gifts in the mail. I hope you do, because if not, we'll have to talk to your Secret Santa.

The_Punk_Hippie - Glad my gifts arrived aok and glad you like the tea flavor! When you said you liked tea, I set out to find the most uncommon flavor I could track down in the short amount o' time I had. I didn't even know eggnog flavor existed. Also, can't wait to see how the Domo lights look in the van, but yeah, I would wait until it's warmer out too. Glad ya like 'em though!

Don't forget to take photos of you making your slime with the kit I sent ya! Looking forward to seeing your dinosaur hatch too, and you MUST find a way to play that Mars Attacks PC game that came with the figure! Oh so much work to be done!

Also, that note wasn't for your eyes alone, but I'll save you the trouble and copy-paste it here:
AHOY PUNK HIPPIE!

FIRST OFF, THIS ENTIRE LETTER IS GOING TO BE IN CAPS LOCK, BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO IMAGINE ME YELLING ALL OF THIS AT YOU.

MY, MY, MY… AREN’T YOU THE LUCKY ONE! YOU GOT ME, ROGER BARR (AKA: -ROG-, PICKLEMAN, DOLPH LUNDGREN, ETC.) AS YOUR SECRET SANTA THIS YEAR. THAT MEANS YOU ARE RECEIVING THE ABSOLUTE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THAT MONEY STOLEN DIRECTLY FROM HELPLESS BLIND ORPHANS CAN BUY!

CONSIDERING I LITERALLY HAD TO HIKE UP A MOUNTAIN AND DIVE INTO A VOLCANO TO ACQUIRE SOME OF THESE GIFTS, IT IS YOUR CIVIC DUTY TO TAKE PHOTOS AND/OR VIDEOS OF YOU PUTTING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM TO USE. AND WHEN I SAY PUTTING THEM TO USE, I DON’T MEAN JUST HOLDING THEM UP AND SMILING… I MEAN, YOU BETTER *USE* THEM, AND PUT ASIDE ANY FEARS ABOUT WHAT THE MAYANS SAID ABOUT HOW DOING SO WILL BRING UPON THE APOCALYPSE. YOU BETTER POST THIS LETTER TOO, JUST TO BE SAFE.

NOW THAT YOU POSSESS THIS VITAL INFORMATION, LET’S DO A RUNDOWN OF ALL THE INCREDIBLY VALUABLE TRINKETS OF TERROR YOU ARE RECEIVING FROM THE MOST AMAZING MAN ON THE INTERNET.

GIFT #1 – DOMO-KUN PARTY LIGHTS.
HOLY CRAP! DESTROY EVERY OTHER LIGHT BULB IN YOUR HOUSE, FOR THERE IS NO BETTER WAY TO ILLUMINATE YOUR WORLD THAN WITH THE RAINBOW GLOW OF MULTIPLE ANGRY DOMO-KUNS.

GIFT #2 – MARS ATTACKS DOOM ROBOT.
WHAT!? A VINTAGE 1996 TOY COMPLETE WITH A “COMPUTER MISSION DISK” VIDEO GAME!? THAT’S THE GODDAMN COOLEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD OF! AND NO, I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T HAVE A 3½“ DISK DRIVE. YOU MUST FIND A WAY TO PLAY IT AND DISCUSS YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH US. JUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE 2 MEGS OF HARD DRIVE SPACE AVAILABLE FOR IT AND WINDOWS 3.1.

GIFT #3 – AN OFFICIAL I-MOCKERY T-SHIRT.
WAIT, WHAT ON EARTH POSSESSED ME TO GIVE YOU A T-SHIRT THAT’S MORE VALUABLE THAN PLUTONIUM? WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A DOC BROWN T-SHIRT THAT GLOWS-IN-THE-DARK AND HAS AN I-MOCKERY LOGO ON ITS SLEEVE TOO? YOU COULD TRADE THIS FOR A NEW HOUSE, THAT’S HOW VALUABLE IT IS. BUT YOU BETTER NOT TRADE IT, OR I’LL KNOW, BECAUSE I HID A MICROSCOPIC TRACKING DEVICE SOMEWHERE IN THE THREADING OF THE SHIRT.

GIFT #4 – A “HATCH ‘EM” DINOSAUR EGG.
THAT’S RIGHT, I GAVE YOU YOUR VERY OWN DINOSAUR TO HATCH. WHILE I KNOW IT MAY BE TEMPTING, PLEASE HEED THE WARNING ON THE SIDE OF THE BOX AND “DO NOT SWALLOW” THE DINOSAUR EGG. I APOLOGIZE IF THE DINOSAUR ATTACKS YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES. IT’S A DINOSAUR. WHAT’D YOU EXPECT!?

GIFT #5 – EGG NOG FLAVORED TEA.
I NOTICED THAT YOU LIKED TEA, SO I FOUND A TEA FLAVOR THAT SOUNDED LIKE IT COULD EITHER BE THE BEST OR WORST THING IN THE WORLD. EITHER WAY, IT’S PERFECT FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AND YOU ARE HEREBY REQUIRED TO FINISH THE ENTIRE BOX.

GIFT #6 – GOBBLEDYGOOP.
DO I WANT YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN MULTI-COLORED SLIME? YOU BET I DO. WHAT YOU DO WITH IT IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU, BUT I LIKE ALL THE GIFTS YOU’RE RECEIVING, I EXPECT TO SEE DETAILED PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOU PUTTING IT TO GOOD USE.

GIFT #7 – WACKY PACKAGES.
THEY’RE NOT THE ORIGINAL ONES FROM WHEN I WAS A KID, BUT THEY’RE STILL PRETTY GREAT AND YOU EVEN GET A STICK OF GUM WITH THEM. WHAT A DEAL!

GIFT #8 – I-MOCKERY’S 8-BIT WINTER PIXEL POSTER.
THE MONA LISA? CRAP. THE SISTINE CHAPEL? PFFT. THIS IS THE ONLY PIECE OF ARTWORK THAT WILL EVER MATTER IN YOUR LIFE FROM HERE ON OUT. WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE THE WINTER SEASON THAN WITH OVER 150 PIXELATED POP CULTURE CHARACTERS? I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR FAVORITE PICTURES, BUT THROW THEM IN THE TRASH AND PUT THIS POSTER IN THEIR PLACE.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. I MAY THROW A FEW EXTRAS INTO THE BOX, BUT THIS THING IS ALREADY GONNA COST ME A FORTUNE TO SHIP TO CANADA. WE’RE TALKING A MINIMUM OF $769,312.53 HERE. IF I EVER HAVE TO SHUT DOWN I-MOCKERY.COM BECAUSE I COULDN’T AFFORD TO PAY THE HOSTING BILLS, YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS,

-RoG-

P.S.: IF YOU DON’T DO A GOOD JOB OF TAKING PHOTOS AND/OR VIDEOS OF YOU PUTTING EVERYTHING IN THIS PACKAGE TO GOOD USE, I WILL RELEASE THE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION TO THE ENTIRE WORLD, AND I WILL CHANGE YOUR NAME ON THE FORUM TO “#1 PARIS HILTON FAN”. HAHA, REMEMBER PARIS HILTON? WHAT AN EMPTY, USELESS PILE OF BONES. AND THAT WILL BE YOU IN THE EYES OF EVERYBODY IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY. HAVE FUN!
__________________
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