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  #1  
MockBot MockBot is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 02:52 AM        The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie
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  #2  
Julio Julio is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 03:36 AM       
Hey Proto, I think that another good survival tip would be expect the bad guy (someone like Jason) to revive. That way you can save all the panting and victorious drama and better start running the hell away from the murder scene.
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executioneer executioneer is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 03:48 AM       
that's sort of similar to #18, though
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greenimp greenimp is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 04:12 AM       
heheh, nice one
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GreyWeirdo GreyWeirdo is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 04:17 AM       
One point on being in the military. You have to be the only one who is in the military. If you're part of a troop, you'll all get wiped out.
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Outcome Outcome is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 04:55 AM       
Thanks Proto, but now we all know what to expect. So now we'll be the overly cautious ones who know all the rules, and are thus guaranteed to be killed in such a way as to surprise the viewer as well as our selves.
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Poxpower Poxpower is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 05:33 AM       
Haha that's awesome. I remember a similar article in a humor magazine here in Quebec, but that was 10 years ago and in french. Had the "never check if you really killed the monster" one.

Question: in the case that one thing you SHOULDN'T do and one thing you SHOULD do mix together, which one wins out?
Like, say I want to take a shower and I get my fat smelly friend to unleash a Taco Bell storm on the toilet while I clean up, what happens?
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Nick Nick is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 05:40 AM       
I spy an Army of Darkness quote.
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Purple Man Purple Man is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 05:58 AM       
#18 is a rule for living.
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Drunken_Lemur408 Drunken_Lemur408 is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 06:47 AM       
Rule #27 Never call the police expecting them to believe your ramblings of an indestructible Serial Killer,even if you are the wide eyed rookie on the force.
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the Platinum Poppy the Platinum Poppy is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 07:24 AM       
GreyWeirdo and Drunken Lemur, that was certainly needed additions. Do you think it's all covered now? Or anything more we need to know?
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  #12  
dakotacruz dakotacruz is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 08:14 AM       
To add to 18. Never check to see if something you just killed is really dead.
I always would yell at the dumbasses on the screen, if you knock something down/"kill" the monster, hit it until it's jelly! Go smashy smashy until there's nothing left to get up! This is the worst! They shoot the monster/killer, and then get right in it's face...why??

Keep shooting, until the click click click, then gun thump it until it's a fine paste!
Then, hell, place the goo in seperate bags/boxes and then drive like fuck to seperate that thing
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  #13  
Julio Julio is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 08:30 AM       
executioneer: Yeah, the tip I'm suggesting is somewhat related to rule #18, although maybe I forgot to mention that this applies more to those endless sequels in which the heroes should know the history of the bad guy well enough to to at least think about what's going to happen if they remain where they are instead of trying to get nowhere near it now it is temporarily (they always get up) disabled.
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McFly McFly is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 08:39 AM       
If your friend is pulled away by flesh-eating zombies, do not try to save him/her. They are already good as dead. It is always the ones that go back in to save the others that get hit. You may be a heartless bastard for letting your best bud die, but at least you live to tell the tale. Unless you are the only surviving member left in your group, because somehow it gives you better odds.
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AllHallowSteve AllHallowSteve is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 09:18 AM       
Ha. I think you nailed it.
This site: http://www.dodgethekills.com/ went up last year to promote a book called "How to Survive a Horror Movie." My favorite is "How to Defeat a Killer Doll" just kick the livin' crap out of it.
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  #16  
wobzire wobzire is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 09:30 AM       
I can NOT beleave you forgot one of the most important rules. BE A GIRL IN A WHITE TANK TOP.
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  #17  
the Platinum Poppy the Platinum Poppy is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 02:14 PM       
McFly, could also be that you think you managed to drag your friend to safety, but when you look at what you're actually holding on to it's not so much your entire friend as just a few bodyparts, while the rest was eaten. But even if one isn't killed in that scenario, it would be nice to avoid... I mean, yuck!

BTW, isn't there some old horror movie where the main character does smoke weed but lives? I think it might be in the very first Friday the 13th... or something equally old...
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  #18  
MrWarranty MrWarranty is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 02:15 PM       
This was an excellent list. I had fun reading it to my friends. I'll be sure to heed these warnings should I find myself in the darker side of the silver screen.
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King Credo King Credo is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 04:11 PM       
Loved the quote in #18. Glad that like half of the people here got that joke.
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  #20  
Gourry Gourry is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 05:08 PM       
I disagree with #26 (watch your back) because you'll turn to look back, and as soon as you turn back forward, the monster is right there in your face. And I hope you better be wearing brown pants.
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  #21  
The Visible Man The Visible Man is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 06:08 PM       
This one fits pretty well with Gourry's, but...

The killer is always in your vicinity. This may seem like a no brainer (it IS chasing you, after all), but keep in mind that the killer could kill someone in Maine, but by the time you even TALK about it at home in LA... he will be outside your door waiting to kill you in some creative way, garunteed.
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  #22  
Jquick Jquick is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 08:00 PM       
Another one is always keep your clothes on during the movie. Boobs work opposite in a horror environment. Normally=Awesome, Horror=Dead.
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  #23  
Colonel Flagg Colonel Flagg is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 08:57 PM       
Right from the top:

"... the camera really doesn't want to show you in the middle of smashing one out."

Hysterical, and they just got better from there. Great work, Proto.
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  #24  
Chuggernaught Chuggernaught is offline
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Old Sep 10th, 2008, 10:54 PM       
#22 is extremely sound advice. Also, that doll is freaking creepy!
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  #25  
Terrible-D Terrible-D is offline
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Old Sep 11th, 2008, 01:25 AM       
Rule #1 just made me spit Mt. Dew out of my nose. Specifically the phrase "smashing one out".
And oddly enough, I use the "get an axe" line whenever I've been dumb enough to fall for someone calling out from the bathroom, "you gotta come see the size of this!"
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