I figured this was the best place to post it given the subject of the article. Its pretty awful.
This is why I'm a math major.
So its pretty much common knowledge at this point that Bush summoned Katrina himself using arcane republican wind magiks he learned in Harvard while getting his double major in whittling and humming “dueling banjos”. Personally I’m appalled that the president of our great nation would do such a thing and so is the media. Liberals all over the country are adamant that had we elected a democrat things would be vastly different and I must say I have to admit their claims have some veracity. Its apparent to anyone with a familiar knowledge of democratic ways that Kerry would have donned his lucky baseball cap and challenged Katrina to a one on one extreme caged wrestling match. Of course Katrina is a hurricane void of sentient thought or a traditionally tangible wrestling form, so even if it did happen to pass by the site of the match purely by coincidence it would basically just batter Kerry’s frail human body against the cold metal cage as it passed by relatively unscathed. Regardless we as a country we applaud his noble efforts and unmatched bravery in fighting Hurricane tyranny.
Then again, I have to give it to the Bush administration and their handling of the situation. Their most recent solution to the national security and defense dilemma is both logical and elegant. On September 20, 2005 U.S Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced the creation of the “Ministry of Super Security Awesome Patriot Excellent Task Squad Delta Force” which will consist of armor clad Persian war elephants with Kaiser helmets, severe personality disorders, and giant speakerphones that play “Cotton Eyed Joe” non-stop as they trample fear into the poor and Islamic in this great land before they think about looting or, well, being Islamic.
Despite the virtues of both parties and their respective fights against evil, a new challenger has appeared in the political Street Fighter arena. A man who needs no introduction. A man who has struck fear and delight simultaneously into the hearts of millions. You might be asking yourself at this point, “ He said the man needed no introduction, yet he is most definitely giving one. In addition my current line of thought could hardly be thought of as questioning myself. No, no, I’m certain my thoughts are quite declarative.” The man is none other than the 1997 world champion of my heart, Christopher “Long Johns” Walken.
You’d think this article would be building up to my endorsement of Walken, but you guess wrong idiot. I don’t need to endorse him. Walken is like a giant walking billboard and do you know what that billboard says? It says “Holy shit I’m Christopher Walken”. His platform and all that jazz can be found at
www.walken2008.com , but honestly I would vote for the guy if his platform was that the hearts of babies taste better if you let them develop to maturity before sacrificing them on a Mayan temple. In fact scratch that I’d vote for him twice if that was his platform. We can all agree that the Republicans have it right when they tell us again and again that as a nation that we must unite in killing science before it marries itself. We can all see the merit of the Democratic plan to build a prehistoric crater sized 7-11 penny tray to solve the nations economic problems. But when you get right down to it, can you ever see a Republican or Democrat candidate threatening to stab the other in the eye with a soldering iron mid-debate? Discounting Nixon I think not.
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