Nov 21st, 2004, 12:17 AM
You know something? I feel like venting, and I'm going to use this board to do it.
My problem lies at the root. I can't understand myself. I look at this objectively, logically: this girl is completely unattracted to me, completely wrong for me, and probably unable to hold a serious intellectual conversation. And yet, in spite of that, I can't help but fall for her like a brick.
And I don't know why.
I always thought I'd retain control over my feelings. I shouldn't be breaking apart at the seams for a bitch like this. How can I possibly feel this way about someone who treats me like I'm a fucking human trashbag? How can I feel this way about someone like her when there are so many other girls that I might actually have a chance with, that don't treat me like shit, that are at least as or more physically attractive... that have more of the qualities that I think I want to find in someone?
How the hell can I love someone so hopelessly? How the fuck does it happen?
When I sit back and reflect on my life... when I reflect on the past... I remember the moment when I promised myself that I would be nothing but logical. That anything else, ANYTHING ELSE, was inexcusable. But that is hollow, for what is logic used for without put in the context of desire? The key, I later realized, is molding desire so that it is easily attainable; that is the way to achieve contentment.
Or so I thought. I would discover that desire cannot be molded, only eroded with the passage of time. And so I embraced desire, with logic simply being the tool employed to attain it.
Yet, now I think again. I cannot allow myself to want this girl. It is not only difficult; it is impossible to live through. And so, I face my inner feelings, and, once again, build a wall - I build a dam even higher, waiting yet again for the inevitable flood.
My thoughts always bring me back to the same thing: I cannot change what I desire, I can only try to contain it. However, I must control what I desire, for I never want what I can have. A never-ending paradox of pain.
This is far beyond any girl in my life; she merely brings it to the forefront. I always desire that which I cannot find - a society of those who embrace agnosticism as the true path; the growth of a libertarian culture; a way to escape the natural limitations of a single individual; a way to truly be not only an individual, but independent of everything so as to escape that which my emotions are tied to.
What is it in my psyche that screws me over? Why can't I simply accept life and be happy? What masochistic element of my mind possesses me? And how can I rid myself of it? That is all I want to know. I'm tired of being trapped in the mires of my own mind.
I remember when I contemplated the knife, so many years ago... it was the only way I thought I could find the answer. Yet the knife will never tell me the truth. I must discover the truth in life. That is the burden which I must carry.
I think that my poem summarizes my thoughts concisely:
Look into the other side
Hatred growing with the gaze
See only the flaws you carry
The trappings you cannot raze
Impossible to become what you desire
Impossible to escape shackles of man
Blood falls with the newborn shards
As serrated as dreams of lambs.
...And while I'm sure that I will get no sympathy on this board, I knew that I needed to express myself. So, if you're going to flame me, go fuck yourself.