Go Back   I-Mockery Forum > I-Mockery Discussion Forums > General Blabber
FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Les Waste Les Waste is offline
Senior Member
Les Waste's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Fuck you.
Les Waste is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 06:33 AM        Something I wrote
Since I haven't written anything in a month, I decided to try and produce something. I had what I think was a good idea for something, so I wrote a quick first draft. I consider it to be far too short, and I will be adding to it, but as a first draft I don't think it's too bad. I'll probably use this as a future column. This might be weirder and more abstract than my "You wanna fight?!" column idea. I decided to share this cause I think it's pretty funny. Also I like getting feedback. Enjoy, suckers!

Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth
By Chris Becker


Now first let me say that you've been a great asset to the abstract concept of existence. You've done everything that we hoped you would do, and then some. We couldn't have asked for more from a complex life form.

You brought an energy to the human race that just wasn't there before you entered the world, and for that you need to be commended. However, we aren't here today to tell you how great you are and shove a rainbow up your ass.

I don't think I need to tell you that this is a very bad economy. Companies all over the world are letting go of employees. You probably already know what this is about, but I should probably spell it out for you: Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth.

I know, I know, it's harsh. You're being fired from life. You've had better days, but don't get too down. This isn't your fault; it's just that existence is being downsized and you just happen to be one of the most unnecessary people in all of existence.

Now don't take it the wrong way. This does not at all mean that we don't value your years of production. You've produced enough carbon dioxide during your run to provide life to a small, sick tree for a small fraction of it's life. And how could we forgot all the waste you've produced? All that feces doesn't come cheap, no it doesn't, so don't think we don't appreciate that.

If we ever need someone to enter the human race, contribute nothing to the planet except crap and gas, and do nothing except barely graduate from high school, spend a lifetime working at Kinko's and fall asleep on the couch while eating corn chips and watching Comedy Central, we'll give you a call. It might happen.

Who knows? We're always looking for new temps, and you might just be a perfect fit for us down the road, even though you clearly aren't a perfect fit for us at the current time. But there's always the possibility. What if there's a nuclear war in the future? We'll need somebody, anybody, to repopulate the human race after total Armageddon. And we happen to know that copulation is something you've always wanted to do.

And you can always use us a reference in your search for another existence for you to exist in. If we ever get a call asking about you and what, if anything, you ever did to benefit and advance your race, we;ll make sure to include that time in middle school when you beat 23 other 12-year-olds to win the remedial spelling bee, even though you cheated. We'll also make sure to leave out the vast majority of your accomplishments, because we really respect you.

Really. We do. We want you to find another great dimension you can exist in, just as long as it isn't this one.
__________________
Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Professor Cool Professor Cool is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Chicago
Professor Cool is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 07:46 AM       
excellent work bobo
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Cap'n Crunch Cap'n Crunch is offline
Mocker
Cap'n Crunch's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Oh no. :(
Cap'n Crunch is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 08:21 AM       
That was pretty funny; nice work.
I didn't know that your name was Chris until now.
Corn chips and Comedy Central.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Esuohlim Esuohlim is offline
BOO! A SPOOPY GHOST :x
Esuohlim's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: TO-DO LIST: WATCH TWIN PEAKS. CALL MOM.
Esuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contest
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 09:21 AM       
Well, it looks like I'm no longer needed here.
__________________


TomWritesAboutStuff.com - The #1 Worst Blog
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Professor Cool Professor Cool is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Chicago
Professor Cool is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 10:04 AM       
Yeah pretty much, see yah later.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
kellychaos kellychaos is offline
Mocker
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Where I Started But In A Different Place
kellychaos is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 10:36 AM       
An even bigger "stake in the heart" would be to send this as an e-mail to the offending blitzkrieg bopper. :/
__________________

Wherever you go, there you are.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Disorder Disorder is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Disorder is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 11:02 AM       
A bit dull, and not overly original.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
kellychaos kellychaos is offline
Mocker
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Where I Started But In A Different Place
kellychaos is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 11:12 AM       
He said it was a "rough draft". Are you familiar with the term?
__________________

Wherever you go, there you are.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Esuohlim Esuohlim is offline
BOO! A SPOOPY GHOST :x
Esuohlim's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: TO-DO LIST: WATCH TWIN PEAKS. CALL MOM.
Esuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contestEsuohlim won the popularity contest
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 12:37 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disorder
A bit dull, and not overly original.
LIKE YOU??? LOLOLOLOLOL
__________________


TomWritesAboutStuff.com - The #1 Worst Blog
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Disorder Disorder is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Disorder is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 01:48 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by kellychaos
He said it was a "rough draft". Are you familiar with the term?
Whether it's a draft or not is not the sole determinant of dullness.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
kellychaos kellychaos is offline
Mocker
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Where I Started But In A Different Place
kellychaos is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 01:51 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disorder
Whether it's a draft or not is not the sole determinant of dullness.
Well, aren't you a living example? ointyfinger
__________________

Wherever you go, there you are.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Les Waste Les Waste is offline
Senior Member
Les Waste's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Fuck you.
Les Waste is probably a spambot
Old Jun 24th, 2003, 04:37 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disorder
A bit dull, and not overly original.
How? You could try explaining why it's bad instead of just saying it's bad. Maybe tell me how to make it better, from your years of experience.

My brother said this is like what God emails you before the piano falls on your head.
__________________
Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
Reply With Quote
  #13  
kellychaos kellychaos is offline
Mocker
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Where I Started But In A Different Place
kellychaos is probably a spambot
Old Jun 25th, 2003, 09:20 AM       
The idea of the "higher power" as a coporate entity amuses me. It reminds me of the Incarnations Of Immortality series by Piers Anthony. That's not to say your work isn't original. You put a slightly differently spin on it. Please expand and refine it a bit and resubmit it. I'd like to see the final draft in the forum.

P.S. Slightly disappointed that the one of the subject's purposes in life wasn't as a point of "mockery". Losers we can laugh at are like "chicken soup for the soul". Cheers!
__________________

Wherever you go, there you are.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Les Waste Les Waste is offline
Senior Member
Les Waste's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Fuck you.
Les Waste is probably a spambot
Old Jun 25th, 2003, 10:59 AM       
I want the final draft to be at least twice as long as the first, which means I'm going to have to use every single cliche used by management when they fire people.

Before I wrote it, when it was still an idea, I thought the sentence "Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth" sounded familiar as hell, but I couldn't remember if it actually was used anywhere, and I couldn't find anything close to it on google, so I guess not
__________________
Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
Reply With Quote
  #15  
kellychaos kellychaos is offline
Mocker
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Where I Started But In A Different Place
kellychaos is probably a spambot
Old Jun 25th, 2003, 11:11 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Les Waste
I want the final draft to be at least twice as long as the first, which means I'm going to have to use every single cliche used by management when they fire people.
Scott Adams' Dilbert books should be a good source of inspiration.
__________________

Wherever you go, there you are.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
kahljorn kahljorn is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: NO
kahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contestkahljorn won the popularity contest
Old Jun 27th, 2003, 11:01 PM       
I think what the person meant, was that while it's an interesting spin on "Existence", after reading the third "Stanza" there's really no reason to read more.

My suggestion would be to compile it and crunch it till it's smaller and more quippy, that word is neat, quippy. maybe use that word in it, just because the word Quippy is a nice quip. So anyway. Thats my suggestion, but I'm impatient and read poetry/prose, so I probably have the wrong idea about the whole thing.
__________________
NEVER
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Les Waste Les Waste is offline
Senior Member
Les Waste's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Fuck you.
Les Waste is probably a spambot
Old Jun 28th, 2003, 03:54 PM       
I kinda agree with you about the first three stanzas thing. But then again, I really don't.

:/
__________________
Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Professor Cool Professor Cool is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Chicago
Professor Cool is probably a spambot
Old Jun 28th, 2003, 05:22 PM       
Not to be a jerk les, but how can you be in your house reading e-mails and still being capable to have a piano fall on your head seconds later.


EDIT: OH YEAH LAPTOPS
Reply With Quote
  #19  
jin jin is offline
LIVE @ THE GHETTO HILTON!
jin's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: MURDER GOD.
jin is probably a spambot
Old Jun 29th, 2003, 07:14 AM       
Who is gods' human resources department?

Ps. I like this. A letter from corporate dieties, :D
__________________
I sell fire in Hell.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
mr-slinkers mr-slinkers is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
mr-slinkers is probably a spambot
Old Jun 29th, 2003, 07:55 AM       
:/ :/ :/

I think personally you need to get a life mate. After reading the works of much more interesting literary geniuses than yourself I find your rabblings boring, uninteresting and drafted from a huge selection of works that don't quite belong to you.

As for your brothers piano comment may i suggest a big red x so it doesn't miss the mark?

Thanx from someone questionably more mundane than yourself!!!
__________________
Always remember you can take a horse to water, but you can't climb a ladder with a bell in both hands.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
jin jin is offline
LIVE @ THE GHETTO HILTON!
jin's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: MURDER GOD.
jin is probably a spambot
Old Jun 29th, 2003, 08:33 AM       
You dont speak english very well, do you?
__________________
I sell fire in Hell.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Rongi Rongi is offline
NEW FACE IN HELL
Rongi's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: POOF
Rongi has joined BAPE's armyRongi has joined BAPE's armyRongi has joined BAPE's armyRongi has joined BAPE's armyRongi has joined BAPE's armyRongi has joined BAPE's armyRongi has joined BAPE's army
Old Jun 29th, 2003, 09:31 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by mr-slinkers
:/ :/ :/

I think personally you need to get a life mate. After reading the works of much more interesting literary geniuses than yourself I find your rabblings boring, uninteresting and drafted from a huge selection of works that don't quite belong to you.

As for your brothers piano comment may i suggest a big red x so it doesn't miss the mark?

Thanx from someone questionably more mundane than yourself!!!
Gee, for a genius like yourself, I would think you would know that an apostrophe goes between r and s. And that internet slang is fucking retarded.
__________________
ill fuck that bitch so hard in 10 years she'll crack her back and remember my dick - kahljorn
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Professor Cool Professor Cool is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Chicago
Professor Cool is probably a spambot
Old Jun 29th, 2003, 09:40 AM       
He probably thought Les Waste was the loser of the board and thought if he made fun of him we would greet him with open arms...

You were way off, stupid!
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Jeanette X Jeanette X is offline
Queen of the Beasts
Jeanette X's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: in my burrow
Jeanette X is probably a spambot
Old Jun 29th, 2003, 11:14 AM       
I liked it.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Les Waste Les Waste is offline
Senior Member
Les Waste's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Fuck you.
Les Waste is probably a spambot
Old Jun 29th, 2003, 01:24 PM       
Mr. Slinkers is mad at me because I'm not Ernest Hemingway.
__________________
Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

   


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:20 AM.


© 2008 I-Mockery.com
Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.