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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 01:43 AM        Ten Things I Like And Hate About Star Wars Episode II - Attack Of The Clones
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puppetgeneral39 puppetgeneral39 is offline
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 02:37 AM       
First comment?

I thought the same thing in the theater when Boba held up his dad's head. I mean this is the same movie that woman and children being slaughtered so a shadowy severed head didn't seem all that far fetched.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 02:47 AM       
Interesting, didn´t notice some of these things, but then again, I just watched it very casually (more than 3 times actually). BUT I absolutely hate Anakin, Lucas has managed to take away all coolness Vader ever had by showing us what a Jerk he was in his past....just be happy, be very very happy that you get to hear Hayden´s actual voice and not his german synch. Awful, like a little child.

It´s a good thing I was always into star wars with thougts like "Yay, Lightsabers!" and "Yay, Spacebattle!" Enables me to watch the prequels with a little more...ease or something like that.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 02:59 AM       
yea, old lucas wasnt the same after his divorce. thats what ruined him tehy say. that and awful fanboy-writers.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 04:21 AM       
Watching this movie was one of the single worst experiences I have ever had in a theater. While I usually hate people who talk or discuss during any movie I see, I was too busy pretending to stab myself in the eyes and yelling "What!?!" every five seconds to care that I was possibly bothering anyone. I had made many excuses for ep.1, trying to defend the series, but after this I swore off Star Wars forever. Now I haven't seen this for years (never brave enough to re-watch), but if I can remember it my "favorite" parts were the "flowering" romance that gave us that great "frolicking" scene in the fields of Naboo... (There's a poem title). And my favorite line of dialog which was along the lines of "I hate sand, it's rough and coarse and gets in everything. Not like you... you're soft" or some crap like that. After this how did anyone look forward to Indy...
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 04:28 AM       
All the magic from the original trilogy has been raped, eaten vomited up and raped again.
I was hoping for each film to get better in the trilogy and they kinda did slightly (Episode One hurts my eyes so much that they bleed whenever the pod race begins, and you already know Padme ends up a pedophile.) But there was really no way of saving them... I wish Lucas would have went and let some other crazy bastards direct the movie's.

Episode One: Guy Richie (pre-Madonna)
Episode Two: David Lynch (Just to get shit "weird")
Episode Three: Quentin Tarantino (Just so good ol' Sam Jackson could just be himself.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 04:35 AM       
frolicking in the fields of Naboo

I give chase of my Queen
Laughing like a giddy school boy
(Like I was when we met)
Does she run because she is being playful?
Or is she afraid of my Jedi Mind Trick?
There can be no other than her,
She has replaced the lost love in my heart that was once Obi Wan.
I hope I don't ever accidently kill her while she is impregnated with my child (children).
Fingers Crossed.

Fuck the Jedi Code I want me some Poonanny!

Anakin Skywalker

Who would have thought that Luke's badass daddy was a whinier bitch than he ever was?
At least by "Empire Strikes Back" Luke's balls had dropped. It took Anakin getting his ass handed and dipped in Lava and turned into Tetsuo: The Iron Man two get some scruples and even then who can forget his final whine in Episode 3?

Palpatine: "Hehehehe"

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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 05:03 AM       
I hate Star Wars now. Why did he wast 20 years on this bullshit when we could have had more Indiana Jones in space.
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Mojomajik9 Mojomajik9 is offline
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 05:35 AM       
I actually hated this movie more than the Episode I. I could live--maybe that's too strong a word--i could choke back the bile a little bit more on the horrible plot elements if it wasn't for the absolute worst dialogue ever captured on film. How did great actors like Jackson and McGregor not want to kill themselves after spitting out the worst lines in cinema history? At least Harrison Ford had the moxy to tell Lucas that, "You can write this shit, George, but you can't say it."

And yeah, the "younglings" crap pissed me off too. The fact that all the stormtroopers and even Boba Fett are all clones. Darth Vader is really nothing more than an emo punk and Hayden Christiansen couldn't act himself out of a colostomy bag.

Thank you Lucas for shitting all over my childhood.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 05:46 AM       
I agree that Yoda fighting was lame, but I thought it was cool letting one of the short characters be in a fight for a change. For all the little guys in suits and CGI short people, Lucas never really had anyone but R2-D2 be part of the action.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 05:56 AM       
The 5 worst things are ANAKIN.

How did he turn into Darth Vader?
Episode 3 should have just been Darth Vader actually hunting down and destroying the Jedi like he was supposed to do according to the original movies.

What the fuck did Darth Vader ever accomplish as Darth Vader other than chocking a couple of geriatrics and throwing Palpatine down a well?

Also why did Palpatine suddenly turn into a paraplegic when Darth Vader picked him up to throw him?


Did you do episode 3 yet?
That was the real bad one. A nice thick twisting gnarly corny turd on top of the sunday.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 05:58 AM       
On a related note, how sad is it when the X-Box game, Knights of the Old Republic, is a better experience than all three of the prequels combined? Pretty damn sad
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 06:55 AM       
Because Kotor is decently written, it centers around a single character that doesn´t suck annnd...there no Frog-Ass-Man in it.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 07:01 AM       
I can say "youngling" without vomiting.

EDIT: Great article. The prequel trilogy is garbage, period.

Last edited by pac-man : Aug 1st, 2008 at 05:06 PM.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 08:00 AM       
First off, nice nods to Twisted Toyfare Theater Proto with the "Jango's head falling out of his helmet" reference and the "slaughtering women and children is hot reference".

I actually saw Episode II twice on opening night, once as a free preview showing. Then again at midnight as I had already bought tickets to that showing. We all went to Buffalo Wild Wings before the movie and several beers later I got pretty shitfaced. To make a long story short, the first two times I watched it I thought it didn't make sense because I was too drunk to get the broken plot. I went a third time sober with my brother and it turned out it had nothing to do with my inebriation level as it did with the lazy writing and directing. Live and learn I guess.

EDIT: By the way, was anyone else confused by the whole 'younglings' scene? Why do they need helmets in a digital library/classroom? Also, why do they all have their lightsabers in hand as though they anticipate a fight?
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 08:10 AM       
Dig the article, Proto.

When my wife and I went to see Ep. II, during the scene where Anakin discovers the bloody, mutilated corpse of his mother the ENTIRE audience spontaneously started pissing themselves with laughter at Hayden Christiansen's godawful acting. I kid you not - and this was a 300 or so-strong audience.

We also raucously laughed through the 'romance' moments. Then again, we ARE Australians.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 10:18 AM       
Ah... the Yoda scene.

From that day, I've always wonder why the hell Yoda needs a cane if he can jump and turn like crazy.

And since that day, I've always refered to this fighting technique as the "técnica pirinolita" (A pririnola is a little top [kind of a dreidl] used in mexican traditional games). When the term slipped while talking to a Star Wars fan friend of mine, he just whirled his eyes and asked "The Yoda scene?". When I nodded he proptly answered "Yeah, no one believed that scene".

Enough said.

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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 10:21 AM       
Pinball Yoda was one of the only redeeming moments in the movie for me. I sat bored and irritated my entire first viewing of this movie in a theater packed with costumed fanboys on opening night and when Yoda started pinging off the walls and everyone in the audience started going oohh and ahh, I couldn't stop laughing my head off. I cried for crispssake. Cried.

Oh yeah, and the proper response to genocide is disgust. Is Padma supposed to be like Eva Braun or what? Bleah
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 10:43 AM       
I say bravo to you actually finding five good things about this movie. I found zero. Episodes I and III had more merit than this. That animated Clone Wars had more merit. Hell, I'd imagine even the HOLIDAY SPECIAL had more merit (Seriously, Bea Arthur singing to the Cantina theme? I'd never stop laughing.) than this droll, monotonous piece-of-shit. And it feels like it set the standard for jedis as a whole. Droll, monotonous, and never going to get laid.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 11:19 AM       
Hats off to you Proto for willingly sit through this crap-a-thon all over again. Unlike some fanboys out there, I wholeheartedly agree with your list and am truely amazed that you could find something redeeming about the whole film. I wished that Lucas had enough wits to have competent directors for the prequels, as they'd be able to call him on some shit and also wouldn't make poor Natalie Portman cry.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 11:45 AM       
I liked this one the best out of the 3. I love star wars and I don't give a fuck how bad any of them are. Sure they are full of plot holes and when Anakin has his mental break down I thought it was a bit well painfull. The fight between Obi and Jango was good at least. And I remeber my friend and I having hundreds of conversations about the mystery Jedi who ordered the clones.

I've also read the books but I've never seemed to take them as the Gospel truth. Boba Fett was just so bas ass that no one wanted to believe that he could be dead. After seeing how Jango died I think it would be suiting that he die by the hand of a blind man.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 01:12 PM       
As much as I love your articles, I personally think your bias against the prequel trilogy is unprovoked. Dear God, enjoy it as a movie! If its not EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE BLOODY ORIGINAL TRILOGY it can still enjoy as a movie. Not every Star Wars has to satisfy you more than A New Hope (but still, thank god you're not one of those people who claim IV is the ONLY Star Wars). Sure, Lucas made a few mistakes (hiring Natalie Portman, for one), but still, he's not that bad of a director.

Although the horrible abomination that called itself...I'll just say, JJB, is, indeed, deserving of murder and far worse (or should I say better?).
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 01:13 PM       
Loved the article Proto, nice work. I actually believe that Episode II is much worse than Episode I, mainly because I actually made it through Episode I (I'm still not sure if I watched all of Episode II, and I know I went to a theater to see it. Whatever the case, it's certainly not something I'm going to investigate further), and because that when I watched Episode I as a naive little 9-year-old, I actually got some enjoyment out of it.

Full agreements with the Slave 1 battle and Samuel L. acting like Samuel L. (I think I thought those were the most awesome parts of the movie when I watched it). Also: major kudos (to you and the site) for the Star Wars RiffTax add down below, it's as relevant an ad as could be.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 03:09 PM       
Originally Posted by Mojomajik9 View Post
On a related note, how sad is it when the X-Box game, Knights of the Old Republic, is a better experience than all three of the prequels combined? Pretty damn sad
Note though, that Knights Of The Old Republic II was a disappointing sequel. (Or maybe that was just me.) Not that it, in any way, compares to the horrors of the three prequels.
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Old Aug 1st, 2008, 03:19 PM       
If watching Episode I is like sodomizing a goat, then watching episode II is like sodomizing a retarted goat that is paralyzed and blind. I agree with you whole heartily Proto. Lucas may be a great artistic creator, but his ability to write and direct have diminished. I don't think it was his divorce dungeonbrownies. Divorce makes you bitter and jaded, and none of this sentiment made its way into these films. Best part of episode II: watching obi-wan handle Dookie's lightning after Aniken was bitch-slapped by it. Yes, bitch-slapped because that's what he sounded like after being hit by Dookie's voltage.
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