Apr 10th, 2004, 05:03 AM
Why pay thousands for surgery when you could buy the "Super Do-It-Yourself Boobies!" Kit?
For ONLY 80 easy payments of $49.99 we walk you through the incision,
excruciating pain,
the 10 page contract saying you wont sue,
pictures of how ugly and deformed your breasts will be,
and how to use other materials than silicon to save money (such as styrofoam, butter, banana peels, and used toilet paper.
BUY NOW! (Flash 10 times, at epileptic seizure speed)
(Cut to picture of CEO and owner Eh-Nall Rayp, a stocky, pasty 40 year old "man". He has very large, gangrenous breast implants.)
(Advertisement time: Probably condoms, porn, Michael Jackson, or the "Do you want to be the next Bubblyhard Pumper, famed pornstar" contest. Thats what you get for watching TV at 3 AM)
(Slow sweep across rumbling beach. The sun is setting. Tall model man walks down beach with dumpy flat-chested woman. They walk behind some bushes and start groping. The man then seems disappointed)
"I was really worried about my girlfriend. She just didnt have anything for me to grab and squeeze. I mean, except her ass, but I think she doesnt wash very well down there. So my good friend Eh-Nall Rayp ...
(Flash picture of Mr. Rayp ten times. Then, flash picture of the Super Do-It-Yourself Boobies!" Kit with a blue "BUY NOW!" picture written in old Goth calligraphy.)
... recommended the Super Do-It-Yourself Boobies!" Kit...
(Flash the same "BUY NOW!" picture)
... I thought it was a really good idea. I decided to give her some breasts for a gift. So I went and bought some Rohypnol so she could relax. It was really interesting reading how I could use Butter or garden clippings instead of silicon!...
(Voiceover: Young female voice)
"Yes indeed. You can use just about anything to increase breast size, including CDs, Knives, Paper, Tape, Garden waste, Kitchen Waste, Jello, Glue, and used toilet paper. Here at Eh-Nall Rayp Love Co. we strive to save YOU money!"
... So I grabbed up all the recently cut grass from my neighbour's lawn. There was some doggy doo in it, but I bet that only increases the fun!
(Show a "before picture" of the woman's breast. Note that "Before is NOT written on the picture.)
The augmentation is done in a few steps. First you cut it open and stuff some of your grass clippings into it.
(man takes a handful of grass and stuffs it into the woman's chest. Then he takes a lighter and burns the incision)
Female Voice: It's best to burn the cuts closed, so you get that authentic "Implant scar" look many pornstars have!
Show tall, buxom woman. She's wearing a white bikini with the words "BUY NOW!" painted on her stomach. She's wearing a white hat with a red hospital cross on it. (She's the Female Voice)
(for the next while that she is talking, the camera often fast-zooms in on her stomach and the "BUY NOW!" picture. Sometimes, it flashes.)
"Nurse": Being the trained professional that I am, I can tell you this procedure is 1% safe! Lets look at his progress!
Here's after two incisions (breast looks horribly bloated below the nipple in two places, much like a bullfrog or some kinds of male apes who inflate their chins. There are two very distinct lumps (the size of a small bowling ball).)
After five (There are five lumps, in all parts of the breast. It looks like a bag of large tennis balls.
And after twenty (the entire screen is filled with the picture of a giant breast. There are 20 grotesque burned wounds, dark purple stretch marks, and fluids oozing.) you're done!
Just repeat for the second breast and you're done! She walks away, very slowly. "BUY NOW!" is written on her butt, one word for each cheek. The camera follows her walking in a circle around the room for about 5 minutes, randomly zooming in and out.
(Cut to advertisements: Isnt it nice an "info-mercial" has ads? It makes it seem like you're watching something more meaningful, like Matrix Reloaded, Police Academy, or Full House. This time It's an ad for Budweiseer Beer, not to be comfused with the more commonly known Beer. This is a cheap knockoff made by Microsoft.)
"BUY NOW!" flashes on the screen at epileptic speed for about ten minutes. Sometimes "ONLY 80 EASY PAYMENTS OF $49.99" appear.
Man: "Now look at her! That's something to get a hold of."
The breasts are horribly disfigured, green with gangreene and attracting worms and flies. As we watch, one of the wounds open. Some brown grass falls out. The screen goes fuzzy and there is the color test screen and a lound beep. You cant change the channel.
Man: "Now look at her! That's something to get a hold of".
The breasts are perfectly round and have no scars whatsoever. During the procedure it seems that the woman has had a face change, gotten taller, slimmer, and more muscular. She's now black.
The man is still holding the bloody scalpel.
(Cut to picture of flat chest and picture of the previously shown black woman's breasts. Note the lack of the word before or after, or anything at all resembling that.)
Female voice: "Would you notice the difference? BUY NOW! Once you see this large natural breast, BUY NOW!, wouldnt you want to get your breasts enlarged? BUY NOW!!"
Screen flashes the same "BUY NOW!" screen we are so accustomed to.
Screen cuts to an old taping of "Cheers". There's no reason at all that it is being played, it seems that the video was put onto a reused tape that once had "Cheers" on it. Nothing smacks of professionalism like that.
Cut to crowd. Zoom to Mr. Eynal Rayp. The YMCA music plays.
(Female Voice speaking, there is very little rhythmic similarity with the YMCA song) Buuuuy Buy NOW! Buuuy Buy NOW! buy buy buy, buy buy buy, buy buy buy, now, now, now, now!, and so on.
Screen fades to black. The screen flashes BUY NOW!, then fades to black. This repeats several times.
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Linear Mode
