Feb 17th, 2004, 11:50 PM
The Day I Met a Can of Mountain Dew©
The Day I Met a Can of Mountain Dew
The world seemed to end the night all Mountain Dew factories quit making the soda soft drink. Recording this in a notebook for the newspaper “Rubber Chickens Extra” I was walking along the road and I came across a stray bottle of mustard. Perplexed I bent down to pick it up and examine it, possibly throw it out in the garbage because that’s all it seemed to be to me. However as I did a green can jumped out of the dark alleyway beside me, where it had apparently been watching something on a DVD player because of the dull glow on the brick wall, and brandished a wooden spoon at me!
With a loud squeak I jumped back, holding the “Rubber Chickens Extra” notebook to m, looking quite astonished at the green can, which now I could see plainly had the words Mountain Dew scribbled on the side. It was speaking in some deranged language I could only figure was Cannese with much cracking and gurgling, the sounds one would expect to hear from a full can of soda.
It seemed to me that the Mountain Dew can was brandishing the wooden spoon towards the bottle of mustard I had picked up not moments before. I blinked, nonplussed and looked at the bottle of French’s Mustard, then looked again at the can. “I thought that all the Mountain Dew production had been stopped!” I declared, still rather confused.
The can just made cracking and gargling noises at me, which I interpreted as: “True! But I alone survived the destruction of the Mountain Dew factory and now I need that mustard and this wooden spoon scepter to take over the world!”
“Take over the world?!” I exclaimed, now more confused than ever. “Why does a can of soda need to take over the world?”
The can made more can-like noises at me and I gathered that it said: “Because we Mountain Dew are obviously no longer appreciated and we need to show the populace again how much we rule over any other soda can!!”
Understanding this, being a Mountain Dew drinker myself, I nodded. I looked at the bottle of mustard. “I still don’t get why you need a bottle of French’s Mustard and a wooden spoon to do this.”
“FOOL!” It cracked at me. “The wooden spoons and the mustard are VERY important to the taking over of the world!”
“Um, sure, how again?”
“Uh…Can I get back to you on that?”
“Ok…” I waited a few seconds. “How about now? Can you tell me now?”
“NO! I’ll get back to you on…the 21st of June! Talk to me then!” And it leapt up and grabbed the mustard bottle and waddled off into the alleyway, presumably to finish watching the DVD.
Perplexed still more, and suddenly sure I was onto a really hot story to put into the “Rubber Chickens Extra” I followed the can into the alley. I discovered much to my amazement that it was playing a PS2 with a multitude of RPG games all labeled with things like: Final Fantasy Takes Over the World.
Needless to say, the can spotted me.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” It cracked and gurgled at me. “This is my base of operations! My secret Headquarters!--How did you find me?!”
I blinked at it. “You went down the same alley you came out of, how could I have not been able to?” I asked, scribbling something in my notebook.
The can sat and brewed over this truth, then I figured it said to me: “Yes, fine, yes, that all makes sense…However now you have seen too much! Now I either must kill you, or make you join my ranks to take over the world! How do you feel about that Mr. Doubting Mustafa?!” (“Aladdin” reference.)
I blinked at it. “Whatever,” I said and shrugged, “Who else is fighting with you?”
The can looked perplexed this time, or as perplexed as a can of Mountain Dew could look, and after a few moments said, “Plenty of people…”
I chewed on the end of my pen and scribbled something more in my notebook. “Uh-huh, ok, and-how do you plan on taking over the world Mr. Can?” Now my meeting with this Mountain Dew can had become an interview.
The can stopped to think on this. “That-is for me to know, and you never to find out! MUAHAHAHA!”
“Ri-ight.” I said, nonchalantly, and wrote down something more. “Well then, I guess this is a job for: The Invincible Twinkie Man!” And I spun around once suddenly appearing in a playboy bunny costume.
The can looked at me funny. “Uh…”
I looked at myself and blushed. “Wrong costume…I had that one saved away for something else…Hold on, give me a minute!” I said and began digging through a chest. “Ah-hah! Found it!” I quickly put it on and pointed at the can. “The Finger of Justice frowns upon you!” I shouted.
Again the can looked lost.
“Well fine, don’t cower in fear.” I muttered disappointed, “I’ll just have to end your evil plot anyway.” And with that I picked up the can and cracked it open and drank it down. When I was done I crushed the can and tossed it in the garbage. “Well, that takes care of that!” I said brushing my hands off.
Before I left the alley I looked back. ‘It’d be a shame to leave all that useful stuff there.’ I thought, so turned around and took it home with me.
Later I wrote my story for “Rubber Chickens Extra” and started a campaign to bring Mountain Dew back to the general public. A last piece of homage to the can of Mountain Dew I met that day.
Now, about that world domination scheme.
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