I recommend you read my poem

[Big McLargehuge]

Blued

A kiss, a bruise to my blue lips
caught off guard I step back curious
self-doubting I wonder why me
be the recipient of such hot
tough love. Tough loved by my
cloud eyed darling she my

tamarack my lost at sea
my one true belief the last thing
I ever clung to. Oh so you
Abandon leave me moored to the
last lonely untouched rock in me.
In my cloud blue sea. Break me cut

me a bestringered fish ruining
my iridescent leather scales
against the sharp rocks hiding
deep in mud. Surprised deceived
I come around to see how
soft your bite used to be.

[glowbelly]

the way you broke it up is distracting and doesn't help the flow of the poem at all.

[Big McLargehuge]

It was an excersise for class we had to have three six line stanzas with approximatly eight syllables per line. My biggest poetry hurdle is line breaks.

[glowbelly]

well, this isn't your class now is it?

repost it the way you would write it out if you didn't have a teacher breathing down your neck.

[Big McLargehuge]

Blued

A kiss, a bruise to my blue lips
caught off guard I step back
curious self-doubting I wonder why
me be the recipient of such hot tough love.
Tough loved by my cloud eyed darling

she my tamarack my lost at sea my one true belief
the last thing I ever clung to.
Oh so you abandon
leave me moored to the last lonely
untouched rock
in me.
In my cloud blue sea.

Break me cut
me a bestringered fish ruining my iridescent
leather scales against the sharp rocks
hiding deep in mud. Surprised
deceived I come around to see how
soft your bite used to be.

[glowbelly]

i'm such a jerk sometimes. i forgot to tell you that i really like the imagery and your word usage.

my problem with it is the way you have broken up the "sentences." the way i was taught to read poetry is that you don't pause at line breaks, but instead pause at punctuation. it's the same way that you would read a sentence.

so i'm reading the first stanza like this:

A kiss, a bruise to my blue lips caught off guard I step back curious self-doubting I wonder why me be the recipient of such hot tough love. Tough loved by my cloud eyed darling

and then i'm left wondering why the stanza break here, because there it just runs into the next stanza (or at least that's how i'm reading it).

am i making sense to you?

[sadie]

i agree. the revision is much better, but some punctuation is definitely in order. the visuals, however, are striking.

[Big McLargehuge]

I use the white space. Line breaks are supposed to be amore effective pause than punctuation because you can effectively control the duration of the pause. Any way i lost all the poetry i have written over the last four years today cause my computer died.

[Big McLargehuge]

you really need to hear me read it to get how i write and use space.

[Blasted Child]

The enjambments themselves are not a major issue to me - that's a pretty established means of controlling pauses in all poetry.
However, the poem is a bit too uncontrolled as a whole. There is no tangiable meter or form; definitely no conventional meter, nor any self-invented rythm that recurs through the stanzas to give a sense of connection above the level of semantics.

Free verse is common nowadays, but unless you've already written heaps of strict meter poetry, it's best to start out there to control the language.
Measure the syllables and beats and try to work out a pattern.