Feb 5th, 2005, 03:23 AM
fuck here , youwerent gonna go anyways
t’s a normal trip to the movie store on A Friday night, and you want gratuitous violence, awkward romance, and an unending supply of clichés all for fewer than 5 dollars. You stumble across a gem in an otherwise coagulated sea of movies, you find “Last To Surrender” starring Rowdy Roddy Piper as tough cop Nick Ford.
Released as “Rowdy Roddy Piper Jumps On Moving Cars” and “Rowdy Roddy Piper beats everyone up” in Asia, this movie is the embodiment of a 5 dollar bargain bin movie. It has ridiculous action sequences usually involving RRP throwing things and jumping onto cars, as well a combination of Rambo, Platoon, and Predator jungle scenes. RRP sidekick is the Korean Dolph Lundgren, who is possibly the tallest and most muscular Korean since the guy from Bloodsport. The basic premise is RRP avenging partner’s death, teamed up with Asian cop, both hate each other, then they kill everyone and kinda save the day.
Proclaimed as Rowdy Roddy Pipers most ignorant role ever, it is almost painfully obvious that RRP has spent the last 15-20 years since "They Live" drinking whiskey and eating urinal cakes in a gas station behind the local Stuckey’s. Every other word is a curse or some sort of racist remark. He does however have some notable quotes, such as : Wrong Schwong, Im gonna rip his nuts off!!! and You eat snake in China? What do you use for sauce, Dog Shit?. Lines like these clarify why RRP makes such a great actor in shitty movies; he was born to bad mouth!
These two jerks go on all sorts of zany adventures together, including the worlds most gentle plane crash from 10,00 feet. Somehow, the plane wedges between two small trees (WTF?) and after dropping out the Korean guy, plummets to the ground 50 feet. Miraculously, no one dies!!! Another great moment in the history of bullshit was when RRP jumps on the bad guys speeding car, only to get his hand crushed in the power window and his fingers gnawed off. He is then flung 100 feet off a cliff only to return and repeatedly body slam his enemy to death. Its moments like these that you feel your 5 dollars have really gone its distance.
In one of the finale scenes, the two make a few Molotov cocktails and hurl them into the enemy compound. Amazingly, these gas filled bottles pack the punch of about a stick of dynamite and completely level the enemy...yet another moment of bullshit. They end up toasting the bad guys and killing the drug lord, regardless of the fact that everyone else on the good guy’s squad was toast. I will give this to RRP, he is in pretty damn good shape for a 70 year old man. Despite the fact they used paintballs instead of squibs for blood, and besides the fact that RRP is a moron, this shitty movie lived up to its 5 dollar goodness. I mean, it was either this or a Frank Stallone classic so I stuck with the Piper, he is always good for a laugh.
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