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Bod Bod is offline
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 06:40 PM        Totally totally used
So I've been going out with this guy for over two months. WE've been at it like rabbits and had lots of fine days out together. He's took me out for meals and spoilt me rotten. I wasn't as rich as he so it was hard to reciprocate but I did bake him a cake and send him choccies on Vally's day.

I did warn him when we first met that I do suffer from depression due to having been in a violent relationship previously and that as a result I do get odd mood swings. He was fine about it. So I thought I'd found a wonderful man.

But then on MySpace I couldn't help but notice that this 39 year old man had a habit of flirting with teeange girls and it made me feel uncomfortable.

Added to that I lost my job this week I felt highly insecure.

So I sent the foillowing email:

.I'm thinking of going to Sheffield to visit Michelle soon, I can't stand being alone at the moment. There just doesn't seem to be many jobs out there and I feel quite low and so very angry. I officially finish at the end of this month and am not expected to go in. I then get one months pay and £290 for every year I've been there. Shit isn't it?

So anyway, things aren't too good for me at the mo and I wasn't feeling too good before all of this as you know. (I'd had a breakdown the previous week)And as you said you're going through one of the most stressful times of your life too. You've got so much on, you really haven't got the time for me and I don't expect it. As you've only known me a couple of months, we should be having a fun period still and not be worrying about crap.

I really like you but I just don't want to risk any thing else bad happening to me just now. I believe that you only see me as a bit of fun (which I no longer am!) and are probably waiting for something else. I do feel like I'm a constant nuisance to you, so if you are just shagging me until something better comes along, please be honest about it. I was never after anything heavy but I'd hate to think you were actively seeking others at the same time as being with me. So basically I want to know what's going on and if you can't face having to put up with a newly unemployed woman, then so be it.

so this is the reply i got:

I’ve just come in from my meeting to pick this message up.



I’m rather cross at some of the presumption in this note. Let’s be quite clear: my conduct towards you has been uniformly exemplary, even in the face of some very unpleasant abuse. How dare you falsely accuse me of imagined infidelities? You are not my partner or girlfriend and never will be. Furthermore, I have not even thought about ‘actively seeking others’ and if I had, I would not be accountable to you on the matter. On the contrary, your pervasive presence has meant I have been out of contact with most of my friends (of either gender) since before Christmas.



I’d never felt it was appropriate for you to be a sexual partner (you’ll recall I tried to explain this sensitively to you that on 28 December, but you became unreasonable and argumentative). I was willing to be your friend and was keen to help you out of the sad place that you found yourself in, hence the dinners out; the champagne; the help choosing, collecting, and fixing your motorcycle; the gifts; and the countless other contributions I’d made, all in good faith. I was genuine in my offer to pay the extra cost of your bike because you were in need, and I wanted nothing in return other than you to use the new mobility and independence to better yourself.



In return for this, I’ve been treated to a worsening downward spiral of selfish, demanding, and abusive behaviour. Most notable was Friday, 10 February. To recap, I took a day off work to make up I had lost time on my MBA, principally because of time I’d spent doing supportive things for you. One might have hoped that you would respect my need to attend to my responsibilities and would thus leave me alone to get on with my work. Instead you pester me with 10 separate SMS messages all of which were about drawing attention to your problems, real or imagined. Why do I need to hear about a road accident suffered by the partner of one of your work colleagues, neither of whom I’ve ever met? Very sad, yes, but not an appropriate matter to raise with me on the one day I’ve set aside to work on my commitments. Don’t you understand that? If my mother were to die the day before a job interview you had, don’t you think I’d wait until afterwards before troubling you with the news? Managing our behaviour and our emotions: that’s the principal difference between children and adults.



The inference of your messages was clear – you couldn’t bear for me to have a day to myself where you were not placed centre-stage. Something of a similar character seemed in evidence in your messages yesterday when again I gave the day over to working on my MBA. Can you imagine me pestering you whilst you were trying to do your CBT, or pestering you on a day you’d set aside for job applications or suchlike? No properly adjusted adult would dream of doing anything like that. And that, I think, is the nub of the issue. I have been far more tolerant of your behaviour than I would be with anyone else. Because I understand that you are ill. But I will not tolerate abuse, accusation, and this terrible disrespect.



As mentioned above, I’d never felt a sexual relationship with you was appropriate, but I did think you would be a good friend, and I was more than prepared to help you through the tough times of unemployment. But after the way you have behaved over these last couple of weeks, I don’t feel I can trust you enough to have any involvement with you at all. Who knows what you might accuse me of next? No doubt you’ll be telling your pals that I ‘dumped you for a 19 year old’, or ‘dumped you because you lost your job’, or somesuch other fiction to engender sympathy. No one’s dumping anyone here, what’s happening is that your behaviour has devolved to a state that precludes any normal interaction. It’s deeply sad.



I’m very regretful that things have come to this, but I see little alternative. I have some clear priorities that I will not be deflected from. I must finish my degree – I have committed some 16 months of evenings and weekends and £10,000 of tuition fees to get this far, I won’t have it wrecked at the last minute. I must also secure myself a job. I must prepare to relocate if necessary. That will take a lot of my time for the next four months. Sadly, it seems clear to me that you won’t accept just being a friend, and won’t respect my need to take time out to work on things like my job applications, interviews, dissertation, and assignment. So with that in mind, I have little alternative but to distance myself. I won’t have time to respond to emails in the workplace – please don’t send me any. I hope you are successful in finding a job soon and manage to develop your social circles with your new mobility. Be careful on your bike. Good luck with your marathon.



As a final note, I’d like to add this: I believe that we can all be happier and more fulfilled by appreciating the good that others can do for us, rather than resenting them for what they cannot. A thought for you to reflect on or to discard.



This is all very sad, but what else can be done?

Very best wishes,

Twatface


I meanb is it me or is this man uneccessarily cruel?
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  #2  
Bod Bod is offline
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 06:42 PM       
I mean, he's been happily fucking me for two months.

I would like to add that I've not abused him at all.

Does anyone else think that this is unnecessary cruel?
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 07:03 PM       
I honestly think it's time for some self reflection. Friends need to be just friends and you need lots of friends to surround you in this time. No lovers for a bit. It just get tangled up and murky. It just leaves you feeling alone and bitter.

To me, you seem like an incredibly wonderful. warm woman who is capable of offering so much to the right person. And yet just the same, you desrve so very much more. Sometimes when your going through hell, it is easy to grab onto the first lifeboat that comes along and second thoughts come along later.

Yes, I think he used you. Yes, I also think you were cloudy in your choices but that is not the issue now. Now is the time to heal.

Hang in Miss Bod.

And all of you other shitpokes that were expecting a flamable response, well you can just go and f@ck yourselves!
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AChimp AChimp is offline
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 07:27 PM       
I think you shouldn't write e-mails while depressed. :/
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Bod Bod is offline
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 07:28 PM       
thanks for that.

yeah after an abusive relationship I was hoping the next one would be my angel.

But no, just another bloke just wanting sex, you'd think at my age I should know better. I was genuinly getting very fond of thids man.
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maggiekarp maggiekarp is offline
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 07:35 PM       
He writes like a douchbag :/


Second the self-reflection and friends bit.
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 07:36 PM       
It took me a year long sabatical from men to reflect upon my motives for being in a relationship. After this reflection, I found out my prime motive was "avoidance." It turned out to be avoiding the things that hurt me the most or bothered me. It was far easier to mask my unhappiness and focus on anything other than what was going on in my life.

Don't look to men or anything to ease the pain. You need to deal with what is going on inside of you and what makes you seek out others to avoid that time that needs to be reflected upon yourself.

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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 07:46 PM        Re: Totally totally used
he sounds like a pompous arse to me, very condescending. and if he'd been "uniformly exemplary," he wouldn't have engaged in sexual relations while feeling it was "inappropriate."

the best thing about this is that you found out he's a jerk before you got any further involved.
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  #9  
Slinky Ferret Slinky Ferret is offline
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 08:10 PM       
Awww Bod

I think that was really unfair of him to do that via email without talking to you first. Yes, he is obviously very busy with his degree but there were obviously issues that needed to be discussed about your "friendship".

He doesn't seem to really understand depression at all. The fact that you can have days where everything is wonderful and amazing and the next minute you feel like you're dying inside and not even exercise, drinking and eating healthily can shift that. It really pisses me off when people brush off depression as a temporary mood swing as though its like a hangover or something because its not. It can last for months.

In my first year at uni I was suffering from it pretty much the entire academic year. It was a massive download spiral and I only started to recover when I returned home and was surrounded by people who did care about me.

I haven't had a relationship for over five years now because I'm too scared to let my defences down and be open with someone. At first I found this "invincibility" to be invigorating, but now its a burden and I secretly long for someone that I can trust again. The sad thing is, I've got so many friends who I know would treat me right and who love me the way I am, flaws and all, yet I can't bring myself to jepadise years of friendship on the off chance it will succeed.

I think we all long to be loved and to have someone to love. But love isn't like the movies and sometimes there aren't happy endings. Sometimes we are so scared of being alone that we find ourselves with men that aren't always suitable for us and because of that we hurt ourselves even more.

I know its only been a short time but there's no need to feel shame if you're really upset about it, I know I certainly would be! Try not to beat yourself up about it. Its not your fault he's a jerk!
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CaptainBubba CaptainBubba is offline
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 09:27 PM       
Girls: If I have sex with him then we have a relationship.

Most Men: If I have sex with her then I will get to have sex.

I hate girls that presume sex means anything other than sex.

Unless you are already in a steady dedicated and loving relationship with someone sex means nothing to the male. Men who are not assholes will not have sex with you unless you push them too or unless the emotional investment in the relationship is known prior.

Seriously, this is one of those things girls never ever understand how to distinguish. He used you because you let him use you and from the appearance of things did not in any way resist being used. You weren't filtering out bad guys and you found one. I understand its not your fault that hes a prick but its kind of like if I put on a blindfold and dived face forward and got pissed off that there wasn't a pool in front of me.
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Old Feb 20th, 2006, 11:37 PM       
He sounds as ridiculously terrible as me. ;<
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  #12  
Bod Bod is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 06:21 AM       
Yeah but like it wasn't just sex. We'd cuddle on the sofa whilst watching movies, we had days out together and he'd be holding my hand publicly. He helped me buy my motorbike and I made him a cake, yes sloppy I know. He was planning a weekend away for us to go to a mountain and he was planning to come with me when I run the Edinburgh marathon making a full weekend of it. He also was harping on about going on holiday next year. Added to that he was putting me on his car insurance. Oh and he told me that he's printed off pictures of me and had placed them around his workstation.

Given all the above, I would suggest that's a relationship and not just sex.

Slinky Ferret, I'm sad that you suffer from depression too. It's a rotten place to be and so misunderstood by others who think it's some kind of tantrum, attention seeking and you just need to snap out of it. When I'm stuck down that hole there's no climbing out.

Basically he couldn't face supporting me and I can live with that, but the back-peddling and patronising way he wheedled out of this was just plain shitty.
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 07:39 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainBubba
You weren't filtering out bad guys and you found one. I understand its not your fault that hes a prick but its kind of like if I put on a blindfold and dived face forward and got pissed off that there wasn't a pool in front of me.
lol :<

On the one hand, he's probably distancing himself too much from emotion so that he can create a comfortable logical analysis in which he's depicted as the Hero of England (something that I do all the time ;<), but on the other you're probably being more bonkers than most women, and most women are already bonkers to the point of being intolerable.

It doesn't matter why. You're emotionally depressed - His emotional reaction is aversion. Reasons and excuses are entirely in the realm of logic, so why is your emotion okay and his not?

Then again maybe I shouldn't say anything negative to people who probably have blackmail of me from when I was 17-18 and wholly retarded :<
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AChimp AChimp is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 10:41 AM       
I honestly don't think that there was anything wrong with the guy's reaction, because I'd probably do the same thing now. Two months into the relationship isn't the time to drop off the baggage. If the guy was an asshole, then that's just bad luck and he would have dropped you either way eventually.

If he was a nice guy and genuinely liked you, though, then I think your e-mail was way out of line. You basically accuse him of cheating on you and being shallow, completely out of nowhere. How would you react if someone did that to you? You probably owe him an apology, IMO.

Never write these kinds of things while depressed, because your mind is filled with all of the irrational possibilities that you can think of and you just end up adding all of that in. Your first reaction is to think that someone else is the reason behind why you feel shitty. I know this because I once did what you did and absolutely no good came of it. It took me months to put myself back together afterwards.

Save yourself some trouble in the future and discuss things like this with close friends to get someone else's opinion on the situation. Chances are you're seeing things that aren't really there.
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 10:43 AM       
I don't beleive that I did act bonkers though.
The things he deems that I have done wrong is take up his time when he should be doing his studies. But then I never presurrised him into spending any time with me and always waited to be invited.
The other thing was that because he does flirt around teenage girls young enough to be his daughtres, well I just wanted to check that flirting was all it was. I think he's embarrassed that he's been seen to do this.
It is a popular man trick to try and convince you that you are mad and stalking them. Nope I'm not, depressed yes and a little insecure in need of support at times, but mad no.
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 11:23 AM       
Ah and I did discuss this with close friends first. They were highly disturbed that I was seeing a 39 year old man who openly flirted with teenagers on MySpace, especially with the knowledge that he'd already had sex with three of his MySpace friends before he met me. But then I believe that this was over a long period of time.
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 02:01 PM       
Like Sadie said, his holier-than-thou position might be understandable if he had not been shagging you - all this 'I felt it was not appropriate to have sex...' - then why did he? Thats complete hypocrisy whilst he is trying to make out he is some kind of deeply mature saint - to be honest, he is probably freaked out that someone called him out on all the shagging he has been doing with girls young enough to be his kids.

Typical bloke, wants all of the fun and none of the consequences.

You are MUCH better off without him.

If he does anything else to piss you off, show him this thread
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AChimp AChimp is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 02:21 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bod
Ah and I did discuss this with close friends first. They were highly disturbed that I was seeing a 39 year old man who openly flirted with teenagers on MySpace, especially with the knowledge that he'd already had sex with three of his MySpace friends before he met me. But then I believe that this was over a long period of time.
Ah, well then don't give him a second thought. It's still not a good idea to send letters while depressed, though.
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Bod Bod is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 03:52 PM       
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It's still not a good idea to send letters while depressed, though.
You are completely right there of course. It's as bad as sending emails when you are drunk, your head just isn't clear.

And I don't feel used about the sex btw, I loved every minute of it, I feel used in my emotions, if I knew it was just fuck-buddies then I wouldn't have spent so much time with him. It took a great leap of faith to trust another man after the last one.

I also resent him making out I was some sad charity case that he was on a mission to cheer up. For gods sake I have plenty of friends and was doing fine before him, what made him think he was my great saviour?
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Terra Terra is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 04:20 PM       
He was doing it to justify the sex with you. To keep it clear in his own messed up way of thinking, that he was helping you and getting you through a tough time. Or maybe he wasn't even thinking that, he just wanted a shag until you caught on.

And really, I would not sleep with anybody for a while. At least until your emotionally back on your feet.
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Bod Bod is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 04:25 PM       
No I won't, not even a date or go anywhere near a man that might be vaguely interested. I've had enough!
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Kulturkampf Kulturkampf is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 06:06 PM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Terra
He was doing it to justify the sex with you. To keep it clear in his own messed up way of thinking, that he was helping you and getting you through a tough time. Or maybe he wasn't even thinking that, he just wanted a shag until you caught on.

And really, I would not sleep with anybody for a while. At least until your emotionally back on your feet.
You should wait until you are married to have sex.

It makes things less complicated and fucked up when it comes to relations amongst mankind.
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AChimp AChimp is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 06:10 PM       
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Originally Posted by Kulturkampf
You should wait until you are married to have sex.
As opposed to paying for it like you do?
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Bod Bod is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 06:11 PM       
Then I would be a 34 year old virgin!!

I think I'm past the marrying stage.

The sex wasn't the problem, it was being led to beleive that it was something more than it was.
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Kulturkampf Kulturkampf is offline
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Old Feb 21st, 2006, 06:20 PM       
I think because of our western society and culture, we are more inclined to make a lot of these mistakes, and they contribute very negative to much of our society; it is alot easier and a lot better for a relationship if it is not clouded by sex.

On a large scale, sex can be negative to a relationship and can confuse it. It can make a bad relationship last far too long because of 'sex being good,' and it can become an issue of jealousy that ruins good relationships because of past sexual decadence.
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