Feb 20th, 2006, 06:40 PM
Totally totally used
So I've been going out with this guy for over two months. WE've been at it like rabbits and had lots of fine days out together. He's took me out for meals and spoilt me rotten. I wasn't as rich as he so it was hard to reciprocate but I did bake him a cake and send him choccies on Vally's day.
I did warn him when we first met that I do suffer from depression due to having been in a violent relationship previously and that as a result I do get odd mood swings. He was fine about it. So I thought I'd found a wonderful man.
But then on MySpace I couldn't help but notice that this 39 year old man had a habit of flirting with teeange girls and it made me feel uncomfortable.
Added to that I lost my job this week I felt highly insecure.
So I sent the foillowing email:
.I'm thinking of going to Sheffield to visit Michelle soon, I can't stand being alone at the moment. There just doesn't seem to be many jobs out there and I feel quite low and so very angry. I officially finish at the end of this month and am not expected to go in. I then get one months pay and £290 for every year I've been there. Shit isn't it?
So anyway, things aren't too good for me at the mo and I wasn't feeling too good before all of this as you know. (I'd had a breakdown the previous week)And as you said you're going through one of the most stressful times of your life too. You've got so much on, you really haven't got the time for me and I don't expect it. As you've only known me a couple of months, we should be having a fun period still and not be worrying about crap.
I really like you but I just don't want to risk any thing else bad happening to me just now. I believe that you only see me as a bit of fun (which I no longer am!) and are probably waiting for something else. I do feel like I'm a constant nuisance to you, so if you are just shagging me until something better comes along, please be honest about it. I was never after anything heavy but I'd hate to think you were actively seeking others at the same time as being with me. So basically I want to know what's going on and if you can't face having to put up with a newly unemployed woman, then so be it.
so this is the reply i got:
I’ve just come in from my meeting to pick this message up.
I’m rather cross at some of the presumption in this note. Let’s be quite clear: my conduct towards you has been uniformly exemplary, even in the face of some very unpleasant abuse. How dare you falsely accuse me of imagined infidelities? You are not my partner or girlfriend and never will be. Furthermore, I have not even thought about ‘actively seeking others’ and if I had, I would not be accountable to you on the matter. On the contrary, your pervasive presence has meant I have been out of contact with most of my friends (of either gender) since before Christmas.
I’d never felt it was appropriate for you to be a sexual partner (you’ll recall I tried to explain this sensitively to you that on 28 December, but you became unreasonable and argumentative). I was willing to be your friend and was keen to help you out of the sad place that you found yourself in, hence the dinners out; the champagne; the help choosing, collecting, and fixing your motorcycle; the gifts; and the countless other contributions I’d made, all in good faith. I was genuine in my offer to pay the extra cost of your bike because you were in need, and I wanted nothing in return other than you to use the new mobility and independence to better yourself.
In return for this, I’ve been treated to a worsening downward spiral of selfish, demanding, and abusive behaviour. Most notable was Friday, 10 February. To recap, I took a day off work to make up I had lost time on my MBA, principally because of time I’d spent doing supportive things for you. One might have hoped that you would respect my need to attend to my responsibilities and would thus leave me alone to get on with my work. Instead you pester me with 10 separate SMS messages all of which were about drawing attention to your problems, real or imagined. Why do I need to hear about a road accident suffered by the partner of one of your work colleagues, neither of whom I’ve ever met? Very sad, yes, but not an appropriate matter to raise with me on the one day I’ve set aside to work on my commitments. Don’t you understand that? If my mother were to die the day before a job interview you had, don’t you think I’d wait until afterwards before troubling you with the news? Managing our behaviour and our emotions: that’s the principal difference between children and adults.
The inference of your messages was clear – you couldn’t bear for me to have a day to myself where you were not placed centre-stage. Something of a similar character seemed in evidence in your messages yesterday when again I gave the day over to working on my MBA. Can you imagine me pestering you whilst you were trying to do your CBT, or pestering you on a day you’d set aside for job applications or suchlike? No properly adjusted adult would dream of doing anything like that. And that, I think, is the nub of the issue. I have been far more tolerant of your behaviour than I would be with anyone else. Because I understand that you are ill. But I will not tolerate abuse, accusation, and this terrible disrespect.
As mentioned above, I’d never felt a sexual relationship with you was appropriate, but I did think you would be a good friend, and I was more than prepared to help you through the tough times of unemployment. But after the way you have behaved over these last couple of weeks, I don’t feel I can trust you enough to have any involvement with you at all. Who knows what you might accuse me of next? No doubt you’ll be telling your pals that I ‘dumped you for a 19 year old’, or ‘dumped you because you lost your job’, or somesuch other fiction to engender sympathy. No one’s dumping anyone here, what’s happening is that your behaviour has devolved to a state that precludes any normal interaction. It’s deeply sad.
I’m very regretful that things have come to this, but I see little alternative. I have some clear priorities that I will not be deflected from. I must finish my degree – I have committed some 16 months of evenings and weekends and £10,000 of tuition fees to get this far, I won’t have it wrecked at the last minute. I must also secure myself a job. I must prepare to relocate if necessary. That will take a lot of my time for the next four months. Sadly, it seems clear to me that you won’t accept just being a friend, and won’t respect my need to take time out to work on things like my job applications, interviews, dissertation, and assignment. So with that in mind, I have little alternative but to distance myself. I won’t have time to respond to emails in the workplace – please don’t send me any. I hope you are successful in finding a job soon and manage to develop your social circles with your new mobility. Be careful on your bike. Good luck with your marathon.
As a final note, I’d like to add this: I believe that we can all be happier and more fulfilled by appreciating the good that others can do for us, rather than resenting them for what they cannot. A thought for you to reflect on or to discard.
This is all very sad, but what else can be done?
Very best wishes,
I meanb is it me or is this man uneccessarily cruel?